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Question
Posted by: Amanda | 2010/02/09

Botched Engagement... Am I being Selfish?

I am feeling so depressed about my botched engagement.

I had a feeling that my boyfriend wanted to propose (he did the whole " hmmm...how big are your hands / fingers) - so I did have an idea that he was up to something...

Then - by mistake... he showed me photos on his cell phone (forgetting that he had taken a picture of the ring), and so I saw it... Now the cat is completely out the bag.

I haven' t recieved this ring yet - but he has told me it' s a fake ring, and that I must choose my own design etc

I just don' t know why I feel so depressed about how this all happened. I would have loved a surprise, excitement, the whole overwhelming feeling - but I can' t see how he could possibly make this exciting now.

I am a hopeless romantic, and he is so special to me.
It' s just that a girl gets one proposal in her life (usually), and mine feels like it' s been messed up.

All the excitement seems to be compromised. I wish I didn' t feel like this - after all it' s supposed to be a happy time - but it may aswell have been jotted down in my diary the way it panned out.

Please tell me why I feel so crappy

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I really, really, think that surprizes are greatly over-rated. Seurprize parties, for instance, are usually enjoyed greatly more by those planning and attending, than by the person in whose name they are held, the person "surprized".
So what is the basis for your feeling so crappy ? YOu guessed that the man you love might be about to propose ? mThat was sensitive and clever of you, but hardly a disaster - should you rather have been stunned with amazement, and convinced he would never propose, when it happened ?
Is it because youi accidentally discovered that he was exploring the design of an engagement ring ? Isn't it nice that he thought of starting with something malleable, so that it could be prepared to exactly what you most wanted ?
Have you concentrated on what you actually got in terms of experiences of love showed to you, rather than what you may have expected ? And how realistic were those expectations ?
Also, I notice how often events like an engagement and a wedding are seen as entirely about what the woman wants, and about acting out her fantasies, and seem to ignore whatever the man might want - are men not to be allowed to dream, too ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

7
Our users say:
Posted by: Woman | 2010/02/09

It' s not about the engagement or the wedding, it' s about the marriage. I understand that us women always dream the perfect dreams, but open and honest discussions before the wedding is always better.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: f | 2010/02/09

going over the tops about the engagement and ring and wedding and blah blah blah usuallly indicates that you have no idae what marriage is all about. divorce court in 7 yrs time??

grow up and appreciate that you have someone who loves you

Reply to f
Posted by: lady | 2010/02/09

Aah Qwerty ..reading your post gave me goose bumps - and that is real good advice that you have given. wow! :)

Reply to lady
Posted by: Amanda | 2010/02/09

Thank you for your advice - it is always great to see my issue form other people' s views...

Thank You!

Reply to Amanda
Posted by: qwerty | 2010/02/09

I used to think it was going to be the best, most special and romantic moment of my life when the man of my dreams proposes to me. I pictured a fairy tale proposal and in my head it all seemed so PERFECT. (I also thought the whole " surprise"  engagement thing would be the only way to go)

But you know what - my now-husband and I sat down at some point and discussed wanting to get married. So I knew it was coming. And then we went to speak to my parents together, and he asked for their blessing. And I picked out the ring design myself. And you know what? I wouldn' t have wanted it any other way! I loved being able to pick out exactly what my engagement ring looked like. And when he proposed, even though he tried to make it a surprise, I also found out when it was going to happen, and everything went wrong! (lousy music playing loudly, barely being able to hear each other, etc.) And at the end of the day, despite how it happened, it happened - I was engaged to the man of my dreams.

And nothing beats that happy feeling! Don' t pin all your hopes on the actual proposal - what comes after is what is most important.

So think about the upcoming wedding, about sharing a life together, and about how lucky you are to have found your match, and feel excited about those things.

Trust me, when he puts that ring on your finger, nothing else is going to matter! Enjoy this special time, and let us know when he pops the question.

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: Maria | 2010/02/09

If you are completely surprised by a proposal then you' re not ready to get married in my opinion. Getting married is something that must be discussed between partners as equals, the days of a knight on a white horse sweeping the girl off her feet are long gone. So perhaps your bf is not terribly good at the romantic stuff... that is unlikely to change. Can you live with it for the rest of your life? The proposal is one moment in time, don' t give it more significance than it deserves.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/09

I really, really, think that surprizes are greatly over-rated. Seurprize parties, for instance, are usually enjoyed greatly more by those planning and attending, than by the person in whose name they are held, the person "surprized".
So what is the basis for your feeling so crappy ? YOu guessed that the man you love might be about to propose ? mThat was sensitive and clever of you, but hardly a disaster - should you rather have been stunned with amazement, and convinced he would never propose, when it happened ?
Is it because youi accidentally discovered that he was exploring the design of an engagement ring ? Isn't it nice that he thought of starting with something malleable, so that it could be prepared to exactly what you most wanted ?
Have you concentrated on what you actually got in terms of experiences of love showed to you, rather than what you may have expected ? And how realistic were those expectations ?
Also, I notice how often events like an engagement and a wedding are seen as entirely about what the woman wants, and about acting out her fantasies, and seem to ignore whatever the man might want - are men not to be allowed to dream, too ?

Reply to cybershrink

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