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Question
Posted by: anon | 2010/08/23

Body hell

I am a young woman and I cannot stop eating crap.
I love watching diet shows and they make me feel so full of hope but even when I have made a really good healthy meal (and I know the good foods, veggies, fruits, chicken fish) I turn around and eat the bad stuff anyway.
I have been over weight since I was five but now I cannot bare to drag myself out and live my life (it''s work, home, work, home) Home is safe! But then I wait for my lean and fit family to leave the room and I''ll scoff chocolates, cream and anything else.
I hate myself everyday! I have had councilling before so I know my childoohd demons but now I m creating a new demon everytime I put something I know better about into my mouth!
My disliking excerccise does not help!
I wish that I could just be anorexic and I hate saying becuase my mother had anorexia when she was young and she suffers the consequences even today. I cannot enjoy me life becuase being in my body is hell. I wish i could take a pair of scissors and cut it all off! See it lying on the ground, wobbling there but not on me!
Where can I get help?!?!? And if I only a eat a quarter of whatever is on my plate can I get away with it? I''ll do anything to stop eating (but I just cannot get myself there)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageEating Disorders Expert

Hello Anon,
Reading your question, I cannot help but see how extreme you are in your outlook. Everything seems to be either "good" or "bad". Food is either "healthy" if it consists of vegetables, fruit, fish (grilled or steamed, no doubt)or any other foods, provided it has little labels on it saying FAT FREE, DIET THIS or ZERO THAT. On the other hand, all this so called "crap" that constitutes your clandestine relationship with food appears to be what you are completely trying to eliminate from your daily intake, as though it is evil and shameful. It appears to be the food that you consume in an out of control manner - your irresistable apple from a garden described very early in the Old Testament. Are you trying to live up to certain expectations in front of your "lean and fit family", while in secret, you surrender to the temptations and eat uncontrollably on the very foods that you deprive yourself of in the public eye? I suggest that you try to not categorize food so extremely, and adopt a new and more healthy as well as realistic view of food: Try to see all food as good, but be moderate in your consumption. A little "junk food" (your pizzas, burgers and deep fried hake and chips) is not harmful if eaten occasionally. However, I feel that it is a mistake to try and deprive yourself of these foods altogether, as you appear to demonstrate the typical danger of then resorting to binge behaviour when you are feeling emotionally and/or nutritionally deprived. It's all about balance and moderation. In nearly two decades as a professional clinician, I cannot recall anyone who has safely retained any meaningful weight loss by way of extreme dieting through food group exclusion or very restrictive calorie intake. You say that you have been overweight since the age of 5 years? Without knowing your full history, I have no way of knowing your predisposed normal weight and body shape, but you might value enormously from seeing a registered dietician and discovering what a healthy stable weight for you is. We each have what is called a set-point weight, and you need to discover what is a ralistic weight for you to accept and embrace. If you don't do this you stand the risk of remaining at war with your body for the rest of your life. Perhaps you should also return to some form of psychotherapy to receive some guidance and emotional support towards resolving some of your absolute ways of thinking, and start working on developing a more nurturing and accepting relationship with yourself NOW.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: agree | 2010/08/26

Thank you Milly for your well wishes. I too pray that all of us whether anorexic, bulimic or binge eater, can learn from one another that we are definately not alone in our struggles. We need to reach out for help because this is a battle we can''t win by ourselves. Life is too short and too precious. Thank you for this forum.

Reply to agree
Posted by: milly | 2010/08/25

Oh my gosh yes! The shame. Only after a year of psychotherapy did I realise that all of my pathological behaviour including my sick relationship with food is due to shame and of course associated guilt. It started in childhood and was actually not a problem then but my husband, an emotional abuser, honed in on it and that''s when things got out of hand. I wish you and every one like you, including myself, lots and lots of strength. This is a very tough road and it is very hard for other people to understand the twisted workings of our minds. All the good intentions and knowledge and planning can fall in a heap just like that. Just keep on picking yourself up and trying again. There''s nothing else you can do.

Reply to milly
Posted by: agree | 2010/08/24

Obesity is a disease borne from shame. Isolation fuells shame and the vicious cycle continues. Obesity has nothing to do with lack of willpower. When we are shameful we cease to exist. It is sad to know that childhood abuse (no matter how insignificant)plays a major role in shaping our lives. It is exhausting living the lives we do.

Reply to agree
Posted by: you are not alone | 2010/08/24

Hi...my eyes started tearing when i read your post. It is as if word for word you have written what i am thinking. I thought i was the only freak trapped in a body i hate. I am so disgusted with what i have done to my body and now cant stand to look or even touch it. I also wish i could just peel off this skin but i cant. i cant accept how i have destroyed my body. My day also consists of getting to work and back home. I close my door on Friday and only open it on Monday when its back to work again. It is comforting knowing that i am not alone in my self hate. I know the fear, hurt, anger, self hate, frustration and the intense pain you are going through. Never give up with your fight. I am an almost 40 yr old woman and i have never lived, i never had a childhood and i am so angry because i stayed hidden away to protect myself from laughing eyes and cruel words.

Reply to you are not alone
Posted by: Eating Disorders and Obesity Expert | 2010/08/24

Hello Anon,
Reading your question, I cannot help but see how extreme you are in your outlook. Everything seems to be either "good" or "bad". Food is either "healthy" if it consists of vegetables, fruit, fish (grilled or steamed, no doubt)or any other foods, provided it has little labels on it saying FAT FREE, DIET THIS or ZERO THAT. On the other hand, all this so called "crap" that constitutes your clandestine relationship with food appears to be what you are completely trying to eliminate from your daily intake, as though it is evil and shameful. It appears to be the food that you consume in an out of control manner - your irresistable apple from a garden described very early in the Old Testament. Are you trying to live up to certain expectations in front of your "lean and fit family", while in secret, you surrender to the temptations and eat uncontrollably on the very foods that you deprive yourself of in the public eye? I suggest that you try to not categorize food so extremely, and adopt a new and more healthy as well as realistic view of food: Try to see all food as good, but be moderate in your consumption. A little "junk food" (your pizzas, burgers and deep fried hake and chips) is not harmful if eaten occasionally. However, I feel that it is a mistake to try and deprive yourself of these foods altogether, as you appear to demonstrate the typical danger of then resorting to binge behaviour when you are feeling emotionally and/or nutritionally deprived. It's all about balance and moderation. In nearly two decades as a professional clinician, I cannot recall anyone who has safely retained any meaningful weight loss by way of extreme dieting through food group exclusion or very restrictive calorie intake. You say that you have been overweight since the age of 5 years? Without knowing your full history, I have no way of knowing your predisposed normal weight and body shape, but you might value enormously from seeing a registered dietician and discovering what a healthy stable weight for you is. We each have what is called a set-point weight, and you need to discover what is a ralistic weight for you to accept and embrace. If you don't do this you stand the risk of remaining at war with your body for the rest of your life. Perhaps you should also return to some form of psychotherapy to receive some guidance and emotional support towards resolving some of your absolute ways of thinking, and start working on developing a more nurturing and accepting relationship with yourself NOW.

Reply to Eating Disorders and Obesity Expert

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