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Question
Posted by: sadder | 2009-03-03

blame me

hi.

i am a teen and in matric. i don' t know what to do.

my parents are devorcinig eventhough my father loves my mother dearly, my sister keeps on phoning me and cries that she'  unlucky and so sad she tried to commit suicide my other sister is kept behind because she feelis like she has st look after my father eventhough she has a huge eagerness to spread her wings. I feel so sad and self blaming. I feel like i should be with them and comfort them. i keep on asking myself why am i not there to lessen their pain and i cry often. i cant sleep and i' m often tired. i don' t know what to do. i have to pass matric and i cant get myself to learn and do better because it' s hard for me to concentrate. I looked at the sighns of depression and to most of them i said yes. What should i do? i am not a suicid attempter because i don' t believe that it lessens the pain.

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Our expert says:
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This sounds like a very sad situation all round. But it is absolutely not your fault. Even where teens try hard to break up their parents' mariage, they almost always fail to do so. Such a break-up is the decision of the adults concerned, and often nobody's specific "fault". By allowing yourself to become distressed, that is not helpful. And there would be a limit on how comforting you could be --- they will be more comforted by knowing that you are Ok and doing your matric. It is not your job to lessen their pain --- that is their job and their responsibility, with the help of counsellors if necessary. YOu are too close to be able to do what a counsellor would do, to help them directly, though I respect your wish to do so. Can't you discuss with on o both of your parents, the way you feel, and ask them to arrange for you to see a personal counsellor, to help you get hrough this uncomfortable phase, and to help you work through matric. The counsellor could also assess your state --- it can be hard to mdistinguish between Depression and distress when you are in the midst of a distressing situation. I am pleased to hear that you are sensible and recognize that a suicide attempt is not helpful to anyone.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: jcat | 2009-03-06

hang in there.... it' s a big difference between knowing that it' s not your fault, and being able to say that it is someone elses and assign the responsibility to them. Just keep reminding yourself that while you care about your family deeply, you cannot be responsible for everything that they do and everything that they feel.
And it is really important that you keep yourself strong and focussed this year for your matric - maybe start planning a gap year for next year where you can get away and sort out all the feelings while you travel and work in different places.
Remember too that you can always post here when it feels like it' s getting too much for you. Totally anonymous, and at least you can say how you are feeling....
:-)
jcat

Reply to jcat
Posted by: sadder | 2009-03-05

thanx jcat

funny thing is i know what i' mt hinking and who i' m blaming is wrong. Guess i need someone to blame but don' t want to blame others so i blame myself.

Thanks alot and for caring.

This helps alot

Reply to sadder
Posted by: jcat | 2009-03-04

- I can understand why you don' t feel able to talk to your parents or the school counsellors. If you have access to a phone, you can try Lifeline - number at the top of the page - and one of their phone counsellors might be able to help. It' s anonymous and completely confidential.

And as CS says, it' s not your fault at all. Your first priority has to be to look after your own feelings at the moment - your matric is so important to your future.
Good luck,
jcat

Reply to jcat
Posted by: sadder | 2009-03-04

they know how i feel eventhough it' s not fully. i' m a conciderate person and don' t like to discuss my probs with other people as for they have their won. i know they are my parents and i should talk tot hem but at the moment i feel that i can' t. My mum thinks i am sexually active and i' m not. she doesn' t trust me in the things i do or when i go out. This leaves me with no choice but to not trust her with my problems. she knows i' m aiming to be a virgin and 21 and so far so good but for some reason she just keeps on thinking i' m sexually active. My father is a bundle of depression and he gets anxiety attacks and there i also don' t want to put pressure on him. the councellers at my school talk alot about what the children came to talk with them eventhough it' s confidential so that made me be more than careful.

i want to succeed in life and be what ive allways wanted to be, someone other' s could look up to. I' m trying but just don' t know how to make it work. I' m a fighter but i don' t know how long i can pretend anymore. i wrote a poem and at the end it says  " as i sit here, i have a rough life. i have to pass matric feeling emotionally down and sick. but for success i have to strife. Thats why i have to act, have to be strong and not show that i' m actually weak." 

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