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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2009/12/09

BJ

Hi I am a heterosexual male married a long time, and many years ago I gave a friend of mine a bj, just as an experiment. It was not done as a big turn on or anything for any of us,and I wouldnt let him reciprocate, anyway I told my wife recently as we shouldnt have any secrets, she has graciously forgiven me but now refuses to give me a bj anymore, as she sais she has a mental picture of me doing it, but she is the only one to actually have ever given me a bj, and I would just like to know if her behaviour is normal under the circumstances, and how do I get her to understand that it was just a quick experiment, which I realise was wrong, and am not trying to justify my actions, but would like her to understand that it wasnt a big horny thing, or anything romantic, she puts it in the same category as me having had an affair with another woman, when surely this was not competition for her and was a once off experiment, which she thinks I must have liked very much, but I dont want it to effect our sex life forever, as it was a long time ago, although she has only known for about 6 months now.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Unfortunately sexual behaviour with a man or a woman may be considered to be a betrayal. Having worked with many people who have had betrayals, her response is pretty limited; so she is not having as big a response as many people! Clearly it still affects her and this is not unreasonable. Don't tar your whole sex life with the same brush, if BJs are out for now whilst she adjusts to the information you gave, that's just one aspect of your sexual relationship. Try to understand her response; you may need to reassure her on more than one occasion. If she wants to return to performing oral sex on you, she probably will in time.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2009/12/17

I would do just the opposite, I would give another guy a bj, and let him ravage my body, while my hubby waited in the living room, then I know he would want great detail, and boy how I would give him those details. Alls fair in love and war

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Susan | 2009/12/17

I wouldnt ever give you a bj again until you described every detail, from before you started, to position, to finished in fine detail, and I wouldnt care how embarrassing it is for you. And if I found out that you even remotely thought of it even for one second after your one time experiment, I would do just like understandings wife, bugger your shame what about mine. And there would be no form of sex at all until you had completed your task with me watching and maby even taping for you to see from the other angle. Then you will realise the true gravity of the situation, because you men always want to play everything down with a million excuses.

Reply to Susan
Posted by: A | 2009/12/17

Couldnt agree more with the previous posts. It is always good to face things and get them over with, even if its extreme, this way having ones spouse watch will surely make one aware to the event, and will strengthen the bond between the couple, because the thinking of ones spouse is directly tied to faithfulness.

Reply to A
Posted by: Anon | 2009/12/17

Well understanding, I think thats perfectly fair, a little weird, but wouldnt you rather see, than have to think about it. Anyway you see how it helped you get over these things, and I can understand that it brought closure for your wife as well. I think that the guy who posted here deserves the same, and he owes it to his wife.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: understanding | 2009/12/17

the same thing happened to me, and my wife insisted that i do it again while she watches, i obviously refused, but she wouldnt take no for an answer and i ended up doing it to appease her, she also wanted me to swallow and lick his penis clean afterwards, i also had to be naked. she said anything i can do behind her back i must also do in front of her,it was so humiliating, and the very thought of doing such a thing now disgusts me to the core,almost to the point of being sick. she said that was how she felt when she first found out and she also felt humiliated, so all was fair. i must say we have neverspoken about it since and things are back to normal, but i had to go through that disgusting ordeal while she watched and it made me realise how disgusting it is, and i would never ever even think of such a thing again. so count yourself lucky that she hasnt done this to you, although it brought final closure on that chapter of our lives, so im glad for it, but i cant explain the dirty feeling afterwards on our way home, but you play with fire sometimes you get burned, but what an awakening. my advise dont mention it again and be lucky she hasnt grilled you on details, i even had to explain the guys penis size and the whole event in graphic detail, even trying to estimate time taken, now that is embarrassing enough, and for me that was only the beginning. my mind is now very very pure, so buddy get your mind straightened out and try avoid any details because i would hate you to have to go through what i went through

Reply to understanding
Posted by: anno | 2009/12/10

why the hell would u experiment by giving another boy a Bj, were you not sure of ur sexuality?? eewwww

Reply to anno
Posted by: Anon | 2009/12/09

Reply to Top Cat. I was not giving bj' s to the boys, it was a once off thing many years ago. And also a one way thing, read the text

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Top Cat | 2009/12/09

Not verry clever Treffer. I think any women will freek if she new her hubby was giving BJ' s to the boys.

Reply to Top Cat
Posted by: anon | 2009/12/09

why the hell did you tell her..thats something she definetly didnt have to know. ,even if you didnt want no secrets between you . [bad move dude]

Reply to anon
Posted by: PJ | 2009/12/09

You made one mistake. You told her something she didn' t need to know. Young men do experiment with friends. Thing like masturbating together, etc. Woman may not understand this.

It is almost similar to telling your spouse you were having thoughts of having sex with her sister, who is younger than her. It benefits no one! Honesty is good, but not if it destroys something good.

How to fix it?? You have to try and talk her through it, but focus more on the fact that it was curiocity and nothing else. What you did is not a sin, punishable by death! Your wife is probably a bit narrow minded, but she should get over it, if you treat it right.

Reply to PJ
Posted by: Anon | 2009/12/09

Sorry I forgot to mention that she has questioned me to the fine detail, everything except the size of his penis and length of time, even questioning my thoughts,and if I got an erection etc etc.And I think that maby all these questions have also aided in giving her an incorrect mental picture, and when I try to explain she sais that she rather not talk about it, so as never bringing closure. Would it be better to not give detail if she asks any more basaar questions that are irrelevant to our relationship as I love her very much and never meant to hurt her, but am having trouble understanding how she puts the connection together to not give me a bj, as if I had of received one, it was tried on me for less than 3 seconds and I refused, not even getting close to an erection.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Sexologist | 2009/12/09

Unfortunately sexual behaviour with a man or a woman may be considered to be a betrayal. Having worked with many people who have had betrayals, her response is pretty limited; so she is not having as big a response as many people! Clearly it still affects her and this is not unreasonable. Don't tar your whole sex life with the same brush, if BJs are out for now whilst she adjusts to the information you gave, that's just one aspect of your sexual relationship. Try to understand her response; you may need to reassure her on more than one occasion. If she wants to return to performing oral sex on you, she probably will in time.

Reply to Sexologist

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