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Question
Posted by: Wife | 2011/05/10

Bitterness against my husband

I am so frustrated with myself, i am not happy and very bitter and i only realised 2 days ago the actual feeling that i feel towards my husband is " bitterness" .

We have been married 26yrs and i always find he chatting to some women. I am not sure who he slept with.

About a year ago my sister told me she slept with my husband 24 years ago, and i cant move on...from that dissapointment. My husband and sister if i see them i get so angry for thinking she shared the intimacy i have with him, that i dont want only for me.

For the past 4 years he cant have an erection due to a ingery and i still find him chat or photos of women every couple of months on his phone, and then he tells me it means nothing it is just PORN. on saturday i asked him to show me something on his cellphone, he went to his photos and he did not delete one of the photos and i asked him what it was but he said it was a photo he downloaded from the internet, put revused to show me said i am making something out of nothing it was just a porn download, and i know it wasnt! i saw the photo but i am doubting myself.

I am always thinking of leaving him for the past 3 years that is what i have been doing every time something happens but i never do, i always forgive him and try to move on, but i am not hapy but i dont want to dissapoint our kids Age 24 and 20.

I dont want them to think that this is marriage, after 26 years you can walk out!

Is live really better on your own? Is there really men out there that wont cheat on you?

Feeling so angry and sad and dissappointed about it all and i dont know how to tell him i want out, but he has his suspicions anyway!

I am not an angel and really if i get a bit of attention i grab it with both hands! but not really what i want! I am angry with him for messing things up with us!

Can i forgive and move on and be happy with him.......... i struggle with the idea but dont want to upset everybody!
and he will tell me he wont continue living without me and will make a huge scene, that he will kill himself and get in his vehicle and drive away and i cant handle that trauma! he''s done it before so i know how he reacts and then i feel quilty for doing this to my family!

I have a GLASS HOUSE!


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Whatever he did ( and of course it's important to discover the truth, rather than relying only on "feelings" , suspicions and rumours ) the important thing is for you to decide what's best for you in regard to the marriage, and to free yourself from the sort of bitterness than ties you into misery rather than finding satisfaction for yourself.
I don't quire understand - did your sister tell you 24 years ago that they had recently had an affair ? Or has she just told you of a 24-year-old affair ?
If he has recently had an injury which prevents him from getting an erection ( that's possible, but not common, and other causes of erectile dysfunction can be treated ) he may be feeling unsure of himself as a man, and may have turned to porn as a substitute for being actually able to do much himself in the real world.
The central issue, though, is what is best for you and your happiness, and seeing a personal counsellor may help you work this out. I don't think you should worry abou disappointing your adult kids, who surely want what is best for you, and who gain nothing by you remaining in an unhappy marriage. Don't be so worried about upsetting others, and think of reducing the upset you yourself feel.
There certainly are men in the world who don't cheat, just as there are women who cheat. ( and of course most of the men who cheat, do so with women )
Maybe the best first step would be to try to persuade him to join you in joint mariage counselling, to see what can be achieved. If he refuses, then individual counseling for you would be the next best step.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

6
Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2011/05/12

Always remember: What comes around goes around.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Truth | 2011/05/10

Quote from your post
I am not an angel and if l get a bit of attention l grab it with both hands !!!!!!!! And you think that divorcing will affect how the kids see you!
No wonder he is downloading porn and sleeping with your sister?
As CS says you need couples therapy, but you are probably better off without each other.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Wife | 2011/05/10

I also think i am scared of stepping out of my comfort zone!

Reply to Wife
Posted by: Wife | 2011/05/10

Hi,

Doc on your question? My sister told me last year that she slept with him 24 years ago! He had other affairs as well, and talk to other women on the internet chat sites "  he register himself on singles websites"  last 6 months i''ve not picked up anything that he is registered on. the porn photo i saw on his phone last weekend! he did not want to show me.

Liza, thank you for the advice, i really do feel i am missing out on a lot as well and must be honest also rather bored and miserable in the relationship i am in.

Reply to Wife
Posted by: Liza | 2011/05/10

My goodness. Not wanting to divorce ''for the kids sake'' is usually done when the kids are still children and even then it''s a terrible reason to stay together. Your kids are adults. They''ll survive any disappointment. Do you want your children to follow the same example of staying in an unhappy marriage for hardly any good reason at all? Sorry, but ''not walking out after 26 years'' is a terrible example to try and follow. Sure a parent must teach their children to sometimes stick things out and not give up BUT your kids are adults. I think 26 years is far too long to try and stick with something that just causes unhappiness.

If he throws his toys out of the cot and threatens to kill himself - he''s just trying to manipulate you. The chances of him actually doing it (and doing you a favor!) are VERY small.

So you want to leave. Feel guilty? For what? For being unhappy? For ending something that just isn''t working? For setting a GOOD example by not allowing the mental abuse to continue? You''re being far too selfless! Sometimes people actually need to be a little selfish. If you leave him, do it for yourself and don''t stay in the relationship for OTHER people.

Good Luck
Liza
PS. I''ve been single for the past 8 years and I''m very happy with my life. It did take some counseling to get to this stage though. I don''t even date because I just don''t see the necessity of being in a relationship.

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/10

Whatever he did ( and of course it's important to discover the truth, rather than relying only on "feelings" , suspicions and rumours ) the important thing is for you to decide what's best for you in regard to the marriage, and to free yourself from the sort of bitterness than ties you into misery rather than finding satisfaction for yourself.
I don't quire understand - did your sister tell you 24 years ago that they had recently had an affair ? Or has she just told you of a 24-year-old affair ?
If he has recently had an injury which prevents him from getting an erection ( that's possible, but not common, and other causes of erectile dysfunction can be treated ) he may be feeling unsure of himself as a man, and may have turned to porn as a substitute for being actually able to do much himself in the real world.
The central issue, though, is what is best for you and your happiness, and seeing a personal counsellor may help you work this out. I don't think you should worry abou disappointing your adult kids, who surely want what is best for you, and who gain nothing by you remaining in an unhappy marriage. Don't be so worried about upsetting others, and think of reducing the upset you yourself feel.
There certainly are men in the world who don't cheat, just as there are women who cheat. ( and of course most of the men who cheat, do so with women )
Maybe the best first step would be to try to persuade him to join you in joint mariage counselling, to see what can be achieved. If he refuses, then individual counseling for you would be the next best step.

Reply to cybershrink

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