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Question
Posted by: Justin | 2011/07/08

Bisexuality causing problems

Good morning doctor

I think I am bisexual. I have been in a relationship with a woman for two years. I’ m 27 now &  I haven’ t had much experience with women or sex or even men for that matter. My girlfriend complains that when we have sex, I’ m not always “ there”  or “ present” …  Her assessment is accurate because I’ m not always attracted to her sexually so that our sex sometimes (not always) becomes purely mechanical –  my sexual attraction to her fluctuates, but in other respects, I feel fully committed or “ there”  to use her word. I am concerned that this issue might develop into a serious problem. I do not feel compelled to satisfy my attraction to men, looking at porn and/or masturbation helps in this regard…  If I were straight, I wouldn’ t cheat on her with other women, so the way I rationalize it: I also would not cheat on her with men. I could not tell her that I am bisexual –  unfortunately, I know she would not understand or accept it. There are many things which couples don’ t share  I’ ve chatted to my guy friends and there are certain things that they have not shared with their spouses so I wonder whether my bisexuality is something of necessary importance to share in any case. And I really love her and wish to build a life with her, I want to marry her, and I could not bear the thought of losing her. Could you please advise me? Thank you.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There can be differences between who ( in terms of person or gender or characteristics ) we enjoy being with as a pal, who we prefer being in bed with, who attracts us sexually, in reality or in fantasy. Someone who is significantly anxious about aspects of their sexuality or whatever they're doing with their partner, may be distracted while participating in whatever acts are occurring. And as you seem to illustrate, the person we feel abiding sexual attraction for, may not be the same as the person one feels love for.
Ultimately, if you are indeed planning or intending marriage, a partner really needs to know about your basic sexual preferences, behaviours and attitudes. But at this stage, it doesn't sound as though you're truly sure within yourself, Maybe a spot of personal counselling would help you to clarify, for yourself, who you are and what you want in life. Then it would be appropriate to share those conclusions with this woman you say you love, and maybe even consider some couples counselling to enable both of you to make better informed decisions

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/09

There can be differences between who ( in terms of person or gender or characteristics ) we enjoy being with as a pal, who we prefer being in bed with, who attracts us sexually, in reality or in fantasy. Someone who is significantly anxious about aspects of their sexuality or whatever they're doing with their partner, may be distracted while participating in whatever acts are occurring. And as you seem to illustrate, the person we feel abiding sexual attraction for, may not be the same as the person one feels love for.
Ultimately, if you are indeed planning or intending marriage, a partner really needs to know about your basic sexual preferences, behaviours and attitudes. But at this stage, it doesn't sound as though you're truly sure within yourself, Maybe a spot of personal counselling would help you to clarify, for yourself, who you are and what you want in life. Then it would be appropriate to share those conclusions with this woman you say you love, and maybe even consider some couples counselling to enable both of you to make better informed decisions

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Phil | 2011/07/08

If you have gay tendencies  your partner needs to know...

Reply to Phil
Posted by: K | 2011/07/08

how different is this from guys who are straight but fantasize about other women when they are with their wives? or ogle chicks? or look at internet porn?

not sure i see a problem here, but cybershrink might give better advice.

Reply to K

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