Posted by: Nini | 2008-12-11

Bisexual friend

A couple of years back a friend of my friend whom I was was living with, moved in with us cos he had trouble finding a place. I eventually also became friends with this guy. Things turned sour between the two of them cos my friend was gay (but in the closet) and was actually inlove with this other guy, and coming on to him whenever they were alone, touching him in his sleep, that sort of thing. This other guy was very traumatised by this, and confronted my friend. My friend then started treating him very badly. So much so that my friend moved out because when I confronted him about his bad behaviour he also turned on me. Maybe he thought (even though it was true) that this other guy told me what had happened and he was embarrased.

Me and this other guy then started having a fling. After about a year of having a casual affair, we started getting serious. He was the first person that I ever slept with. We were a couple for only a few months before the relationship turned sour and he dumped me.

Before he dumped me he didn' t have a stable job, and hardly ever had money, so I basically supported him for while. He didn' t have to pay rent, buy groceries. He even told me in the relationship that he did not want people to think that we are together just because I look after him.

It took me a while to get over him, but because we were friends first, it made it easier. He has now moved to another town, and is doing quite well. We still have contact, but not like we used to. I recently found out that he is bisexual. He told me himself once that he was into guys too, but that it was not that serious. He has met a couple of gay friends, and hang out with them most of the time. I thought that maybe because he is around them so much, that they influenced this new lifestyle of his. How can he be bisexual when he had such an adverse reaction to when my friend came onto him.

I now get nauseous whenever I see him,and when I think about when we were together. He even speaks about the male to male encounters that he has had infront of me. I feel like I have to try very hard to be pleasant around him, cos I feel betrayed and used. I feel that he used me, he tried to give me what he thinks I wanted, while I had to support him financially. And on the other hand I do not want him to be into men, cos I think that I still have feelings for him, even though the thought of him touching me creeps me out.

What do I do?

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Our expert says:
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I wonder why you make this guy so important in your life, and pay so much attention to him ? Sexual orientation is present from birth, though showing itself later ; and one is not "turned" or shaped by experiences such as you describe. He could be bisexual but upset because your other friend's advances were sneaky and not open, and maybe because he just isn't turned on by the guy ? Nobody enjoys and welcomes sexual advances from everyone in the world. Why do you still spend time with this guy at all ? If his descriptions of his sxual encounters upset you, tell him to stop talking about that, because it upsets you. If indeed he used you, why on earth would you feel you need to be pleasant to him ? If he used you, kick him out of your life.
Move him out of your life, and move on with your own life.

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