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Question
Posted by: Michaila | 2011/01/12

Beyond his age

My hubby has a 9 year old boy and he is just beyond his years, he is like a teenager already...he listens to certain music and he knows very old school music that his dad use to listen to. I feel like he is distracted easily and he will choose playing games or with his friends over doing his homework or something that he needs to do first... if he is not told what to do , then he will sit infront of the tv the whole day. he will not eat, bath or do anything else unless he is told to.... he told his day the other day that he is wasting the day by going to buy food things and going to the chemist!!!

Will this behaviour continue if nothing is done to make this child understand what he needs to do first? What can be done? I know he is only 9 but I dont think his behaviour will change, it will get worse with as when he gets older he gets more choice.

I think his mother allows him to be around adults all the time, she just plays with him and gives him what he wants...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He sounds like a rather normally annoying teenager, apart from being just 9. And still he sounds much like an average kid of 9 living in an anarchical system with no proper rules and structure.
It sounds like the mother needs to learn that being over-indulgent and failing to provide a child with boundaries and a clear disciplinary system, is actively abusive and always bad for the child.
A child psychologist should be able to help set up a proper system and to plan to implement it - the only snag would be if the irresponsible mother insists on spoling the child her way and won't buy-in the what the child needs.
Even then, it needs to be made clear to the kid that the proper rules apply within your home and he will not "get away" with breaking them, and that there will be predictable rewards and penalties.
Meanwhile, try to catch him doing some things right, and reward those with praise and small rewards, more than shouting at him when he does wrong.

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2011/01/12

You can''t control what his mother does but you and your husband can work on your own parenting skills. I suggest you read Kevin Leman''s books " Making kids mind without losing yours"  and " Bringing kids up without breaking them down" . (I may not have the titles exactly right.)

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Michaila | 2011/01/12

You guys need to understand that my husband and I are very loving towards the child, we help him with his homework, make sure he eats porperly and also make sure he has some fun. My point is that he is not listening to us when we try to teach him good things...He is naughty and when his father shouts him he still doesnt listen.... Now his mother takes advantage of that because she gives him everything he wants or lets him do whatever he wants to do....

My point, he is drifting away from us because to him, we are the bad ones because we the only ones who care enough to teach him what is right.

I dont believe that I can feel sorry for his situation because I feel that he understands whats going on, he knows what is right and wrong but chooses to follow the bad because his mother puts him up against his father... He knows that he is being naughty but he still does it because he knows he can get away with it. So what must we do then??

Reply to Michaila
Posted by: Maria | 2011/01/12

Maybe post on the step parenting forum as well for advice.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Amy | 2011/01/12

So because he listens to old school music you say he acts like a teenager. I have a nine yr old and this child sounds like a typical nine yr old to me. Any boy of thi sage will prefer to be out playing with friends than to do homework and let me tell you my son dislikes shopping mall too. It sounds to me as if the problem lies with you!!

Reply to Amy
Posted by: Maria | 2011/01/12

Sounds like a pretty typical nine year old to me. He needs structure and routine which will help, but choosing to play with friends rather than do homework is entirely normal!

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/12

He sounds like a rather normally annoying teenager, apart from being just 9. And still he sounds much like an average kid of 9 living in an anarchical system with no proper rules and structure.
It sounds like the mother needs to learn that being over-indulgent and failing to provide a child with boundaries and a clear disciplinary system, is actively abusive and always bad for the child.
A child psychologist should be able to help set up a proper system and to plan to implement it - the only snag would be if the irresponsible mother insists on spoling the child her way and won't buy-in the what the child needs.
Even then, it needs to be made clear to the kid that the proper rules apply within your home and he will not "get away" with breaking them, and that there will be predictable rewards and penalties.
Meanwhile, try to catch him doing some things right, and reward those with praise and small rewards, more than shouting at him when he does wrong.

Reply to cybershrink

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