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Question
Posted by: Faye | 2011/07/06

Betrayal spooks by me

Dear Doc, I was married to my husband for 4 years, when we decided to have another baby. (upon his insistence, as I wasnt ready since I was studying part time, working etc) I agreed to fall pregnant, whilst studying and working at the same time. HOwever he started having an affair shortly after, and I only had solid confirmation after the mistress (a married woman) phoned me. During the preganancy there was a lot of bad things going on, i..e anonamous people would call saying that my husband is having an affair, etc. He became distant, I was working and hardly ever saw him. When he came home he woiuld watch tv till 3 or 4 in the morning, not come to bed, he also never ate supper, yet vehemently denied having an affair. At the same time, my mother was diagnosed with HIV Aids, after getting infected from her husband who also messed around. I was devastated, and needed my husband during this difficult time, but he was sleeeping with another man''s wife, and did nothing to assist me with our other daughter. When I found out abiut the affair, I made his and her life a living hell and got my revenge. He begged for another chance and after much grovelling, tears and promises of change, I agreed to give him another chance. I went on to have another baby, thinking I would feel better and would heal in time, He has for the last 13 years, not done anything, but I still doubt him, dont trust him as he lied and betrayed me at a time I was most vulnerable. I constantly think of ways to get out of the marriage, and resent him and constantly lash out at him, hoping he would leave. He is adamant and refuses to go. I feel like starting over by myself, yet do love him but am not inlove with him anymore. He is a good provider, doesnt drink etc. but I dont feel like continuing the marriage, even though I agreed to give him a second change all those years ago. As time went by, I started to have second thoughts and now feel like I made a mistake. I have had many opportunities to look for greener grass, but would never cheat, or betray whilst I am married. I just dont know how I can continue staying married to someone and constantly look over my shoulder to see if he is going to betray and stab me in the back, especially because I trusted him 100% when we got married and now that I feel I was a fool to trust him and that if he messes around again, it will be my own fault for being a fool

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Expecting someone to work, study AND bear children is usually unrealistic and unfair. And why would he express such a wish for you to bear another child by him, while he was having an affair ? Having any affair was wrong in those circumstances, and having one with a married women, especially irresponsible. If he was and is having such an affair, that was indeed both cruel within the context of the marriage, but also does indeed expose you to serious risks to your health and life, through his promiscuity.
But then you mention that this happened 13 years ago ? That's a long time to bear grudges without trying to resolve the issues one way or another. Brooding about it, feeling resentful and lasing out, helps neither of you.
Why on earth not at long last see a marriage counsellor together, not to guarantee glueing th pair of you back together, but to see whether these issues can be resolved or at least better understood, placing you both in a better position to make a wiser decision about the future of your relationship

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jenny | 2011/07/08

I''ve been through the same problems - you might love this man but he does not love you otherwise he would not treat you this way - go find a man who loves you and treats you the way you want to be treated, you will be much happier - a man who treats you well will also treat your kids well... It''s difficult to leave someone after so long together, but you need to do what will make your soul joyful - life''s too short to allow somoene else to destroy your joy.

Reply to Jenny
Posted by: QueenSy | 2011/07/07

Jeez, this sounds as if I had written it! I struggled with the exact same issues over 18 years and finally had enough. He attended 1 counselling session with me, promised my family that he would never allow himself to hurt me again. I trusted him with my whole life, gave myself to him unconditionally, believed him over other people who called and sms''ed me about his infidelities. Then came the numb feeling, where I could not even react when I realised that he was at it again. That''s when I decided to walk. The kids grew up and witnessed his disrespect towards me. To the world out there, he was the perfect provider. Yet, between us there was no communication. He still cannot believe that I actually left.
If your husband is truly commited to changing, I do believe that there is a way forward for the both of you. Seek professional help and pray to the Almighty. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

Reply to QueenSy
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/06

Expecting someone to work, study AND bear children is usually unrealistic and unfair. And why would he express such a wish for you to bear another child by him, while he was having an affair ? Having any affair was wrong in those circumstances, and having one with a married women, especially irresponsible. If he was and is having such an affair, that was indeed both cruel within the context of the marriage, but also does indeed expose you to serious risks to your health and life, through his promiscuity.
But then you mention that this happened 13 years ago ? That's a long time to bear grudges without trying to resolve the issues one way or another. Brooding about it, feeling resentful and lasing out, helps neither of you.
Why on earth not at long last see a marriage counsellor together, not to guarantee glueing th pair of you back together, but to see whether these issues can be resolved or at least better understood, placing you both in a better position to make a wiser decision about the future of your relationship

Reply to cybershrink

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