advertisement
Question
Posted by: Wilhelm | 2010/08/31

Bekommerd oor Vriend

Goeie more,

Ek het eintlik so bietjie advies nodig oor een van my vriende oor wie ek regtig waar bekommerd is. Ek is nie 100% seker hoe om die hele storie te hanteer nie.

Hy is omtrent nou so 35 jaar oud. Tans betrokke by ''n vrou wat so 30 jaar oud is. Hulle is nog nie getroud nie. Hulle het ''n pragtige dogter''tjie van omtrent 1 jaar oud.

Op hierdie huidige stadium van sy lewe is hy op ''n stadium wat ek dink hy nie heeltemal reg op die regte plek is (as ek dit so kan stel). Hy sal op ''n gereelde basis skielik net baie drink. Veral oor naweke. Gedurende die week drink hy nie so baie nie. As hy deur die week ooit drink. Dus glo ek nie hy val onder alkholisme nie.

As gevolg van die drinkery, plaas dit nogal baie druk op sy verhouding met sy huidige girlfriend. Hulle sal dan hewig baklei op stadiums. Ek kry die vermoede dat die girlfriend weet nie mooi hoe om die saak te hanteer as hyregtig waar dronk is nie. Hy kan met tye maar baie stupid goed doen as hy dronk is. Sy het al ''n paar keer gedreig om hom uit die huis te skop. Ek het eenkeer die fout gemaak om hom na my huis toe te vat nadat hy gedrink het net om hom enige onnodige spanning te vermy by die huis.

Ek persoonlik dink die drinkery kom van as gevolg van onderliggende spanning waaroor hy nie wil praat of deel nie. Een van dit vermoed ek is asgevolg van sy pa (sy pa is dood in sy arms toe hy 11 was. Soos ek verstaan balmmeer die familie hom vir die pa se dood. Dus wil hy nie daarmee " deal"  nie).

Die ander een is - ek vermoed hy het dalk ''n stryd ook oor sy seksualiteit. Dit het al ''n paar keer gebeur dat hy my my aan gelê  het as hy dronk was. As ek bestuur, sal hy onder andere sy hand op my been sit, verleidelike dansies doen terwyl ek bestuur in die kar... Hy het my eenkeer probeer leer dans. Dit was nogal baie intiem as ek dit so kan stel (nie op ''n seksuele vlak intiem nie). Hy het my nogal baie styf vas gehou met tye, sy gesig teen myne gedruk op ''n stadium... iets wat ''n normale straight man nie doen nie. Ongeag of hulle nugter of dronk is. Die man is bewus dat ek wel gay is.

Ek weet dat die man het onder andere depressie ook. Ek dink van die depressie is ook afkomstig oor wat in die verlede gebeur het (kinder jare na sy pa se dood, army jare, ens). Ongelukkig kan ek nie als pyl nie omrede hy nie met my kommunikeer nie. Ek dink nie hy kommunikeer met baie mense nie.

Ek sit nou op hierdie huidige stadium dat hy nie my oproepe, SMS''e, e-mails en die klas van goed nie antwoord nie. Ek weet hy is nie iemand vir e-mails en SMS''e nie. Jy is wel BAIE gelukkig as hy jou wel antwoord op ''n SMS en/of e-mail. Hy is nie lief om dit te lees nie. Ek weet nie of daar ''n rede is hoekom hy my foon oproepe nie beantwoord nie. Ek weet ook nie of sy girlfriend dalk iets met die saak te doen het nie.

Ek wil baie graag net weet hoe ek die saak kan hanteer van my kant af. Hoe ek hom kan help as ''n vriend. Ek wil nie te knaend wees nie. Ek dink juis een van die redes hoekom hy dalk nie sy foon antwoord die laaste tydperk, is dalk omrede ek hom te veel bel (bel hom net so baie om hom die nodige support te gee waar ek kan).

U hulp en raad sal opreg waardeer word.


Dankie,

W

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Lets clarify the issue. When people argue that they are not alcoholic, they usually are. The word Alcoholic causes problems through triggering a set of excuses and denials. If he behaves as you describe, he IS a problem drinker / has a substance abuse problem. There are many patterns of alcohol abuse.
But if your drinking or substance use causes problems in your work, or personal relationships, there IS a problem which needs to be dealt with.
The next issue is that although often a problem drinker causes difficulties and worries for other people, they often deny it themselves and refuse to get the help they so obviously need. and you can't do it for them.
ONLY if and when they accept that they have a drinking ( or substance abuse ) problem and that they need help with it, can they be helped. Sometimes they have to create crises and more severe problems before they face these facts.
Of course there can be various aspects of his childhood or earlier life that are relevant to why he drinks, and they may need to be dealt with in time. But they're impossible to help while he is drinking. Only when he stops drinking, with help from a relevant expert to enable him to stay stopped, has he a hope of getting this and related things right

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2010/08/31

CS will only see your reply if you put it in a new post.

Your friend is lucky to have you in his life. Unfortunately it is very difficult to help someone who does not want to admit that he needs help. Perhaps you and his girlfriend can contact Al-Anon for support and advice on how to handle his drinking.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Wilhelm | 2010/08/31

How can I then from my side, as a friend, help him? I know to force someone in this type of situatution is not always the best option to do. All that you do, is to push him away. I thought after one incident that he stopped completely. Or at least drink less. But, there were an incident or two again after that one. He is off beer that so called creates the issue of drinking and makes him so much " aggressive"  at times. He was never aggressive towards me so far (touch wood!!), but most of the times towards his girlfriend. There must something, or a way, that I can help him or support him. Maybe to try to get on his positive side...?

I personally thinks he realises that I pick up on the issues that he have. And there are a lot. And I would love to help him in those issues. As you have mentioned in your reply, it is just to get him to the point to realise his problems and issues.

I might be wrong, but if I just can to the core of the issues, his so called drinking problem can be solved easier.

For some or other reason I can not relax or just let it go. This is why I need advise from people that knows and understand these type of situations better than me.

Reply to Wilhelm
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/31

Lets clarify the issue. When people argue that they are not alcoholic, they usually are. The word Alcoholic causes problems through triggering a set of excuses and denials. If he behaves as you describe, he IS a problem drinker / has a substance abuse problem. There are many patterns of alcohol abuse.
But if your drinking or substance use causes problems in your work, or personal relationships, there IS a problem which needs to be dealt with.
The next issue is that although often a problem drinker causes difficulties and worries for other people, they often deny it themselves and refuse to get the help they so obviously need. and you can't do it for them.
ONLY if and when they accept that they have a drinking ( or substance abuse ) problem and that they need help with it, can they be helped. Sometimes they have to create crises and more severe problems before they face these facts.
Of course there can be various aspects of his childhood or earlier life that are relevant to why he drinks, and they may need to be dealt with in time. But they're impossible to help while he is drinking. Only when he stops drinking, with help from a relevant expert to enable him to stay stopped, has he a hope of getting this and related things right

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement