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Question
Posted by: Anon for this one | 2010/12/21

Being loved

I''m a 31 year old female. Suffer from Bipolar (clinically diagnosed).
I can''t remember my parents hugging, holding or kissing me. Ever! Even when I had a nightmare and would wake up screaming my mother would just pop her head in my room and tell me to go back to sleep.
My mom once told me that I didn''t like being held or cuddled. But I remember trying desperately to get her attention and love. It felt as if she was always busy with my younger brother. He " needed"  her more. He always sat on her lap and was getting the hugs and cuddles I wanted and needed. My mom and dad always stuck up for my son whilst I had to be a " big girl"  and own up to what I did.
Now as a mom of a little boy, I find myself almost smothering my son with love. Is it possible? I hug and kiss and cuddle him every opportunity possible. He doesn''t mind though and looks as if he''s happy, but might I be too much for him? Is it possible to love your child too much? My husband doesn''t show love with hugs and kisses, so I''m scared that my son might feel like I felt when I was a child.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some people are indeed unskilled at giving physical and emotional affection to others ; and some are bad at receiving and appreciating it - maybe your mother had both types of disability.
And unfortunately, some parents mis-read the situation, and decide, for reasons unclear, that one child "needs" affection and others don't.
I don't think an overdose of love is likely to be a problem for your child, so long as it includes a proper sense of discpline and limits, as all children need boundaries and behaviour guidelines.
But don't give your boy more than he needs as i this would make up for what you yourself didn't get - and the disparity between how your parents treated you and your brother was probably the most distressing for you, as it left room for you to wonder why you didn't get what he got.
SO love away - it's the only gift you can keep giving, without running out, and so far still doesn't attract VAT !

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: stillwaiting | 2010/12/21

Ok so whats the plan? You going to continue feeling self pity because you werent hugged enough or kissed over and over again? Can you do anything about your perception of your childhood now at the age of 31? can you go back and make it right? Self pity is just going to keep you looking back, its time to move on with your life trust me you made it to 31 so your childhood wasnt a total failure. Not like you grew up in a shack, or in Iraqi when it was being blown away or in London during the blitz.

Reply to stillwaiting
Posted by: QFish | 2010/12/21

Hi
I grew up in exactly the same way. My brother has astma and my momshipped me off to whoever she could because "  She needed to care for him " 
I have 2 kids 23 and 22. I have always " smothered"  then and until today they still " hang on me"  whether in public or not. I am not shy, nor are they. We adore each other

Reply to QFish
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/12/21


I guess we react differently to certain situations. I also never got hugs and kisses while growing up, not from my mom or my dad. I have five siblings and as a second born I didn''t get much attention either from my parents. The younger siblings took more of it.
But if there was one thing I knew for sure in this world, it was that my parents loved me more than anything. They never told me they loved me either, but I just knew that in heart bit they would die for me.

I hug and kiss my kids almost all the time. I think its the best gift to give to our children.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Liza | 2010/12/21

You can''t give a child too many hugs and kisses. My children have always receive lots of hugs and kisses from me. My oldest is now 14 and I''ve stopped hugging and kissing him in public - because teens do find it embarrassing, but at home he still gets lots of hugs and kisses. It makes people (kids and adults) feel loved and that can never be a bad thing.

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Anon for this one | 2010/12/21

Sorry, meant to say my mom and dad always stuck up for my brother

Reply to Anon for this one
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/12/21

Some people are indeed unskilled at giving physical and emotional affection to others ; and some are bad at receiving and appreciating it - maybe your mother had both types of disability.
And unfortunately, some parents mis-read the situation, and decide, for reasons unclear, that one child "needs" affection and others don't.
I don't think an overdose of love is likely to be a problem for your child, so long as it includes a proper sense of discpline and limits, as all children need boundaries and behaviour guidelines.
But don't give your boy more than he needs as i this would make up for what you yourself didn't get - and the disparity between how your parents treated you and your brother was probably the most distressing for you, as it left room for you to wonder why you didn't get what he got.
SO love away - it's the only gift you can keep giving, without running out, and so far still doesn't attract VAT !

Reply to cybershrink

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