advertisement
Question
Posted by: Janet | 2010/10/19

Becoming a social hermit!

Hi doc. I hope you can help. Im 23, in the prime of my life yet Im sinking into a hole that I cant get out of. I don''t have any friends- people on Facebook don''t count and I don''t go out often with my boyfriend either. He''s can stay out until early morning and I struggle to make it to 22:00 so usually he goes out with his buddies or we go out, he drops me at home and goes out some more. I don''t have a problem with this arrangement (because it''s only once or twice a month) but I battle to get into ''party'' mode- in fact most of the time it''s a burden. Last year I didn''t go out AT ALL so I understand why I don''t have friends. I suppose I should go back to the beginning- my boyfriend and I met when I was not of legal drinking age so he got into the habit of going out without me. When I was of legal age, he never got out the habit. But we had a whole group of friends so we hung out quite regularly. The thing is, I don''t like his friends, I think they''re opinionated and rude (plus they didn''t respect his relationship with me as they were always just dropping in expecting him to party with them and drop whatever plans he had with me), his friends don''t like me, they think I''m a bitch (because I would voice the above, as well as a bit more) and my boyfriends family doesnt like me (heavens know why- the reasons they give are pathetic. Plus its not fair to judge someone on the person they were 4 years ago). Anyway, so no one really liked me and when I started a new job, all my girlfriends backstabbed me. So Im basically this disliked burden to society, so I hide (I must be doing a great job because a buddy phoned my boyfriend this evening and didn''t ask how I, the person he (bf) lives with, is. He asked how my boyfriends sister, who he (bf) last saw on Friday and the time before that was more than a month ago, is). Now I''m getting depressed about all of this but I can''t make friends because I don''t LIKE going out (funny though- I want to go out, I want to be seen and I want to have friends but I can''t bring myself to have fun)! My boyfriend is starting to feel it too because he''s declining invites all the time because of me. I don''t know how to get out of this! I don''t know how to LIVE and have fun. Any suggestions are welcome.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Right. "Friends" on Facebook are rarely genuine friends - and not likely to rush round when you're in trouble or difficulties.
I think it's sad that so many people seem to assume that enjoying oneself MUST involve "going out" ; that spending time at home with yourself, or one or a few genuine friends, is somehow worthless, and always trumped by going to an expensive and noisy club and pretending to be Having Fun.
At no age is "partying" a necessary or particularly worthwhile activity. One doesn't really need to "go out" to have friends - real friends are usually formed at work, at school, taking part in worthwhile activities related to sport, hobbies, maybe even charitable work.
How do you make a real friend at a club where you can't hear whatever you're shouting at each other ?
Sounds like you linked up with this guy too young, not merely the drinking age thing, but before either of you were yet ready for a real emotional or even friendly relationship. And from the sound of it, you are growing up, and he isn't. Some guys seem to grow Down, rather than up.
I wonder why you're living with this boy, who seems to use you as a convenience, rather than noticeably caring about you, or your feelings or needs.
Explore other options, of continuing to become your own person, and forming your own friendships in the old-fashioned ways that have always worked, rather than tying yourself to a kid who isn't yet mature enough to care for you properly.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/10/20

Janet,
You don''t sound like a very positive person either. Why does it matter if your boyfriends'' friends like you or not? One thing I know for sure is if I like myself everyone seems to like me! I can make friends easily because I honestly care about other people. Its called the law of attraction  what you send out to the world will come right back to you.
We can''t go blaming other people for our short comings, especially our personalities.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: HB | 2010/10/20

Janet, the response from the Cyber Shrink is so absolutely true.
And if you dont want to go out why try and force yourself to??
Me and my (nearly ex girlfriend) went thru the same thing and because I did not want to go to partys and try to create excuses to drink, we are now basicaly living our own, soon to be over, lives.

You are mature and his not...some guys never mature. This is a big problem, allthough we''re older than you guys and kicked the party habit at a later age, I do wish that I had the oppertunity, like you, to pull it through.

Hope all goes well..xx

Reply to HB
Posted by: Liza | 2010/10/20

You need to find out what YOU enjoy. Going out to ''party'' is not my idea of fun either. There are a million and one things that you can do to meet people and make friends. I do not have a single friend that I met when ''going out''. All my friends I either met at work, at school or at the skydiving club when I was still skydiving. Try the gumtree dot co dot za website under Communities and then Hobbies. Perhaps you can find something close to where you live that you might enjoy?

Good Luck

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/20

Right. "Friends" on Facebook are rarely genuine friends - and not likely to rush round when you're in trouble or difficulties.
I think it's sad that so many people seem to assume that enjoying oneself MUST involve "going out" ; that spending time at home with yourself, or one or a few genuine friends, is somehow worthless, and always trumped by going to an expensive and noisy club and pretending to be Having Fun.
At no age is "partying" a necessary or particularly worthwhile activity. One doesn't really need to "go out" to have friends - real friends are usually formed at work, at school, taking part in worthwhile activities related to sport, hobbies, maybe even charitable work.
How do you make a real friend at a club where you can't hear whatever you're shouting at each other ?
Sounds like you linked up with this guy too young, not merely the drinking age thing, but before either of you were yet ready for a real emotional or even friendly relationship. And from the sound of it, you are growing up, and he isn't. Some guys seem to grow Down, rather than up.
I wonder why you're living with this boy, who seems to use you as a convenience, rather than noticeably caring about you, or your feelings or needs.
Explore other options, of continuing to become your own person, and forming your own friendships in the old-fashioned ways that have always worked, rather than tying yourself to a kid who isn't yet mature enough to care for you properly.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement