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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010-10-04

Battling

Before we even started dating my husband had a girlfriend with whom he was intimate. They later broke up, and quite some time afterwards we started dating and are now married. I recently started having this feeling that he is hiding things from me, but decided it must be my imagination. Now last week he came to me and told me that she suddenly phoned him regarding something she wants him to do for her, and it was the only time they spoke. I actually found out this weekend that they have been speaking weekly for some time now. I have actually once heard them speak, and I guess that is why it is bothering me so much because he sounded very intimate.

Now I am stuck with this feeling that I want to hurt him as much as het hurts me by doing things behind my back. I know this is not the answer, but I am struggling with this. I know that there is not much you can do for me regarding this, but what can I do to stop feeling this way? Every time in the past when I had this " feeling"  it turned out that I should have listened to it, and now it is saying he is still hiding things from me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

What people do Before they start a reationship isn't usually relevant. But what they do afterwards, is. If his relationship with the old gf is over, they have no need to talk at all, let alone weekly. Hurting him would be a really bad idea. WHat he is doin is indeed suspicious, but hardly grounds for punishment, and you need to be much more sure of what is going on. And then hurting him in a physical sense, or by yourself cheating, is a foolish if tempting idea, and usually harms you too.
If you are saying that he has lied to you or misled you previously, maybe you need to decide whether you want to continue with this marriage. If so, then insist that he see a marriage counsellor with you. If not, consult a lawyer, and protect your rights

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: mk | 2010-10-04

why not approach him with evidence that u know he''s been speaking to his ex weekly and ask him why does he feel the need to lie to u about these conversations. explain that his secrecy is causing doubts in your mind about the innocence of these conversations, surely if they''re just chatting there''s nothing to hide see what his response is. I would advise against trying to ignore this as you''ve mentioned you''ve heard them talk before but have not confronted him about this. Doing this back to him makes u as bad/hurtful/deceiptful as he is meaning u no longer have grounds to be angry/upset about his behaviour.

Reply to mk
Posted by: Liza | 2010-10-04

Well, you could either stick your head in the sand like an ostrich and wait till he perhaps gives you HIV.... or you can try to find out what he''s hiding from you right now and whether he deserves your trust. Just trusting someone blindly will usually bite you in the behind at some time.

Yes, you want to hurt him because he has hurt you - but better find out exactly how guilty he is before deciding HOW to hurt him. And if you do decide to hit back - rather do it legally by suing for divorce and alimony.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-10-04

What people do Before they start a reationship isn't usually relevant. But what they do afterwards, is. If his relationship with the old gf is over, they have no need to talk at all, let alone weekly. Hurting him would be a really bad idea. WHat he is doin is indeed suspicious, but hardly grounds for punishment, and you need to be much more sure of what is going on. And then hurting him in a physical sense, or by yourself cheating, is a foolish if tempting idea, and usually harms you too.
If you are saying that he has lied to you or misled you previously, maybe you need to decide whether you want to continue with this marriage. If so, then insist that he see a marriage counsellor with you. If not, consult a lawyer, and protect your rights

Reply to cybershrink

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