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Question
Posted by: nevergiveup | 2012/05/23

baggage

Hi there
Myself and my Girlfriend recently broke up. We started fighting a lot about stupid things and the one time (last time) I asked her why she haven’ t ever told me about her past after we have been together for 18months and friends for 12 years, she then replied “ what do you mean”  I then said why haven’ t you told me about your dad who cheated on your mom a couple of years ago.
She then freaked and like went crazy. She then ignored me for 2weeks and one day I phoned her and she luckily answered. We spoke and she was all difficult and stuff. I then asked her why is she so mad. She then said I must never talk about her parents again. And hung up on me. I phoned again and asked well tell me the truth then, and she hung up again. This happened numerous times. So at the moment i''m blocked from every social network etc. she never wants to see me again, she hates me! And we don’ t talk anymore.
Well her dad has been cheating on her mom for 5 years and it came out 3years ago. They then relocated and the cheating has been going on ever since. You still hear stories every now and again. Our parents have a lot of mutual friends so it’ s no secret.
Everyone warned me about it before we started dating and I always believed I can make her happy which I did, but all of her emotional baggage got too much which lead to fights and tears. To top it all of her ex-boyfriend cheated on her 11 times and she found out about it and then we got together. So the thing is she just doesn’ t trust any men and think they are all the same. She also denies that her father ever did anything wrong. She denies all of the stories even though ive heard it from numerous people. She thinks he is a super human. She talks average 4 times a day to him. It’ s as if he does it to get her on his side. The poor mom still stays with him in the house and cries her eyes out 24/7. She also denies everything even though it is so obvious. And ive seen it happen when I visited them. I don’ t know why they get divorced…  I think it’ s because they are afraid that their daughters will break down… .again. My ex also cares about her image so much she takes hours to clean up and always want to be perfect on the outside even though she is rotten on the inside. She is also very fussy and difficult about stuff will always ask what do people say about her and always ask me how she looks and if she is fat etc…  but I still love her so much, I don’ t care about all of her faults she is a great person but her past is haunting her. And it will always if she doesn’ t accept it and go on with her life. She is just so full of baggage but it’ s not her fault, or maybe it is because she doesn’ t want to get over it she just denies all. I really ant to be there for her cause I honestly love her so much.
What do I do?
How can I make stuff better?
How do I get her back?
How do I get her to talk about it?
Why is she like this?
Is it normal to react like this?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why did you feel that he dad cheating on her mom was actually any of your business, let alone to feel able to complain that she had not told you about that ?
Obviously this is a sort point for her, and still hurts her. While its fine for you to indicate that whether this or anything else causes her hurt, you'd like to be available to help if you can and if she wants it, pressuring her into telling you all about her personal hurts and concerns is just not appropriate.
It sounds as though she became invoolved with you whan she was far from emotionally free to do so, and while still full of issues about her family and previous boyfriend which she needed to work through. Clearly she is still very much attached to her father, maybe excessively so.
I appreciate and commend your sympathy and your desire to help her, but this sounds fully complex enough to nneed her to be working with a pproperly trained expert specialist psychotherapist / psychologist, and her needs are surely far beyond what even the nicest and most sympathetic guy could do for her.
And the shrink would be neutral, which you cannot be - even if you yourself managed to be utterly neutral, the fact that you are / were a boyfriend would mean she would always be seeing you as such, and not as a source of objective advice.
Be available IF and when she might want to tak with a friendly person later. And if she never does, be prepared to accept that.


The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: nevergiveup | 2012/05/24

thanks... some hard words there. But it is needed. Its just so obvious that her parents actions have such an big impact on her life. It is something she has to personally sort out. I cant force her. If your not happy with yourself you will never be happy.

Ive backed off completely. Will leave her alone for a month or so and if she wants to talk to me... great but i dont expect her to. I also realised that i brought up something that i should have never have brought up. its got nothing to do with me. If we are meant to be we will work out one day. But i dont have a lot of hope.

Thank you for the comments

Reply to nevergiveup
Posted by: Phil | 2012/05/24

Her parents and their life has nothing to do with you. Hell  isn''t it obvious? Good thing she left you  you have no bussiness in other peoples private lifes.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Nini | 2012/05/24

I think overall your intentions are good in that you want her to open up so that you can help her. But I have to admit that reading your post it sounds pretty much like you are forcing these issues onto her, and you are insisiting that she discusses something very personal and obviously very hurtful with you.

It is clear that she has not come to terms with what is happening within her family, and you are by no means helping her - in fact you are interfering. And I say that with respect.

If you really love her and want to support her, then you need to back off from the personal stuff, and just simply let her know that you are want to help her and when she is ready then you will be there for her. She obvioulsy loves both her parents, but she is finding it very difficult to accept the situation, because by accepting it then it means that she effectively will have to choose a side. I know for sure that I would never put myself in that position - and I most certainly would never allow someone else to give me their opinion if I didnt ask for it.

As I said before, your intentions are good. But I dont think you are going about it the right way. You need to back off, and if you feel that you cannot support her on your terms, rather than on her terms, then perhaps you need to re-think your relationship - because then you will always have this question mark hanging over you.

Just because she hasnt confided in you doesnt mean she doesnt trust you. It just simply means that she hasn''t dealt with it herself, and you nagging her is just a reminder that the men in her life are not what she needs and wants them to be.

If and when she is ready, then she will open up. Hang in there if you see fit for it.

Reply to Nini
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/24

Why did you feel that he dad cheating on her mom was actually any of your business, let alone to feel able to complain that she had not told you about that ?
Obviously this is a sort point for her, and still hurts her. While its fine for you to indicate that whether this or anything else causes her hurt, you'd like to be available to help if you can and if she wants it, pressuring her into telling you all about her personal hurts and concerns is just not appropriate.
It sounds as though she became invoolved with you whan she was far from emotionally free to do so, and while still full of issues about her family and previous boyfriend which she needed to work through. Clearly she is still very much attached to her father, maybe excessively so.
I appreciate and commend your sympathy and your desire to help her, but this sounds fully complex enough to nneed her to be working with a pproperly trained expert specialist psychotherapist / psychologist, and her needs are surely far beyond what even the nicest and most sympathetic guy could do for her.
And the shrink would be neutral, which you cannot be - even if you yourself managed to be utterly neutral, the fact that you are / were a boyfriend would mean she would always be seeing you as such, and not as a source of objective advice.
Be available IF and when she might want to tak with a friendly person later. And if she never does, be prepared to accept that.


Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Romany | 2012/05/23

Leave her alone. She does not want you.
What her parents does has absolutely nothing to do with you.
She does not want to talk to you about it.
She is like that because she loves both her parents and not you.
Yes it is normal for her to react like this. I would react like this too if someone badmouths my parents... like you do.
Move on.

Reply to Romany

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