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Question
Posted by: David | 2012/07/16

Bad situation and need advice

Hi dok.

I''m in a despriate situation and need advice. I''m 22, male and live with my father. When I was 10 my father starting working in the Middle-East, so I saw him only a few times a year. At the beginning of this year (after 12 years of him being away) he made a spontanious decision and desided to come back to SA. He works from home now, which is great, but he is so used too being in charge all the time.

He asked me once if I would like to become his assistant but I refused.
Despite me turning down the offer he STILL keeps on shunting me around, I''m not in control of my life, he is. It''s a hard hit on my social life and it breaks my self image.

He missed out on a very important time in my life, and he never got to know me and my sister so he still treats us like children, like how he would treat us before he left. The last relationship I had ended very bad for me and made me very depro, vulnrable and fragile and he takes full advantage of it by making me rely on him.
He is obsessed with power and control! I''m his little puppet.

I can''t take it anymore, I must become independent and move out.
I don''t know what to do.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like a situation I have indeed seen before, when a guy who has been an ineffective and absent father, who neglected his proper parental duties at the time when he was really needed, later feels a bit guilty and returns, and tries to make amends by being too bossy and trying to be parental in ways that might have been helpful a decade earlier, but which don't recognize the experiences, needs and maturity of their children at this point in time.
he's trying to take up where he left off, ignoring how much has happened to you in the meantime, and maybe not really knowing how to deal with your adult selves.
And, from the sound o it, he may be having problems he isn't recognizing as his own - its not easy to retire from an executive type position in which you were bossing round a large number of people, and then go home, with nobody to be Boss to except the kids and the cat.
Useful questions from Maria. And from your reply, OK by November you will have fresh possibilities in regard to work, supporting yourself and being able perhaps to move out and live independently.
A counsellor might help you learn to effectively become assertive rather than aggressive, and to stand up to your dad in fruitful ways that would help him to learn to respect you rather than just causing conflict. And it does sound as though you have a need to finish working hough the break-up and becoming more resilient as regards such future relationships.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/17

Sounds like a situation I have indeed seen before, when a guy who has been an ineffective and absent father, who neglected his proper parental duties at the time when he was really needed, later feels a bit guilty and returns, and tries to make amends by being too bossy and trying to be parental in ways that might have been helpful a decade earlier, but which don't recognize the experiences, needs and maturity of their children at this point in time.
he's trying to take up where he left off, ignoring how much has happened to you in the meantime, and maybe not really knowing how to deal with your adult selves.
And, from the sound o it, he may be having problems he isn't recognizing as his own - its not easy to retire from an executive type position in which you were bossing round a large number of people, and then go home, with nobody to be Boss to except the kids and the cat.
Useful questions from Maria. And from your reply, OK by November you will have fresh possibilities in regard to work, supporting yourself and being able perhaps to move out and live independently.
A counsellor might help you learn to effectively become assertive rather than aggressive, and to stand up to your dad in fruitful ways that would help him to learn to respect you rather than just causing conflict. And it does sound as though you have a need to finish working hough the break-up and becoming more resilient as regards such future relationships.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: David | 2012/07/16

Hi Maria

My sister stays with my mother. They live closeby. I have a good relationship with my sister but I rarely speak with my mother since she climbed out of the closet.

I did study but had to drop out due to my ex. I don''t work at the moment, but I am busy with diving. Begin November I will be a fully qualified Dive Instructor which opens alot of doors for me.

I apritiate your comment.

Reply to David
Posted by: Maria | 2012/07/16

Where is your mother in all this? Do you depend on your father financially? Do you work? Are you a student? Your father will only treat you like an adult if you behave like one and stand up to him, but in a nice way. If you are not emotionally in a place where you can do that at the moment, why don''t you go for some counselling to help you get over your breakup and work on your self esteem and assertiveness.

Reply to Maria

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