Posted by: CrippleCow | 2013-02-11

Backstabbing Mother in law

June last year I had a hip injury and was in severe pain for 2 months - totally bed ridden and could do nothing for myself. Mid August my inlaws invited themselves to our house, because of my husbands coming birthday. I told my husband that it is not a convenient time, because I can not stand ready for my guests. He came back to me telling me that his parents are not coming any more.

On his birthday, he decided to go to the Home Expo " to look for gas geasers" ... I was surprised, because he does not like busy places.

At the end of August I undergone hip surgery, and per chance found out, on the same day as the op, that his parents was in town, and they had met in secret on his birthday.

I was so shocked about the betrayal I could not say anything, and in 3 weeks time lost 5kg.

Then the bomb burst after I noticed some suspicious behaviour, and confronted him with the deceit. I also called his parents and confronted them, upon which his mother told me that I am trying to get between her and her son.

We (the in-laws and I) have not had contact since, and I lost trust in my husband. To make matters worse, because of the dissonance in his brain ( his mother telling him to lie - the woman who was suppose to teach him wrong from right!) - he assaulted me when I tried to discuss the issue further. He has not apologized for lying to me, neither has his mother. He did apologize for the battering...

I left to visit my sister for 3 weeks, and since I have returned, he has been awfully nice towards me.

In a weeks time, he is going to visit his parents for his brothers baby''s christening - and I am forbidden (by him) to go. At first I was upset, but now I think maybe it is better.

Should I never ever go to his family gatherings? Is this tear final? Up until quite recent I felt like scratching her eyes out for breaking the bond of trust between my husband and myself. I am slowly managing the anger, and managing to evacuate her from my head.

Any advice from somebody who has worked through something similar?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jardin | 2013-02-18

Why are you still with him if he hurts you?? you are clearly the one with the issues here....sorry to be so blunt, if you or your kids mean anything to you, you would have gotten out the first time he hit you, a leopard NEVER changes his spots.

Reply to Jardin
Posted by: CrippleCow | 2013-02-18

Nonni, this is not the first time he hurt me. It is the first time I went to the hospital/cops, and that is why he apologized.

But really, to say it is okay if somebody assaults you, because you ''provoked'' him, is a bit twisted. Is that the reason you give after you assaulted someone? "  I was provoked" ?
So, 16000 women who died due to domestic violence probably deserved it, because they provoked their partners....

I now know why people rather go to professionals with their problems - it seems that my peers are mostly clueless and short-sighted.

I won''t be coming back here again, I would rather go to someone I know and trust, and who''s opinion I actually value. This forum is a waste of time.

Reply to CrippleCow
Posted by: CrippleCow | 2013-02-18

Jardin, I used to be as naive as you. That is why I found my MIL passive agressive behavour from day one so upsetting.
But this whole ordeal taught me a couple of valuable lessons, and made me stronger.

Reply to CrippleCow
Posted by: Jardin | 2013-02-18

I believe that yuor mother-in-law wouldnt treat you funny if you didnt say or do anything funny to or about her, that goes for every human being.

Reply to Jardin
Posted by: Nonni | 2013-02-15

Shivermetimbers what an ugly situation this is and seems to have been going on forever and a day. What a pity that both you and the mommy in law cant come to an understanding for the man you supposedly both love and put your personal differences and dislikes for one another aside.

The tension between the two of you must be really extreme if it is your husbands feeling that he has to see them without your presences and in secret not to offend you. It cant be nice for him to be stuck in the middle of it all the time.

Tell me, is it the first time that he hit you, or is it a pattern? If it is a pattern, then yes, it''s a problem, but if he hit you once off which is the feeling I get reading this, and the fact that he was sorry about that in particular and nothing else, leads me to think that possibly he was provoked into his behaviour. Maybe that is also why the other posters had nothing to say here.

I must say though that if I were your mother in law, and you took it on yourself to phone my pastor, I would be extremely cross with you, for a very long time, and I would think that you owe me an apology for meddling where you had no business.

The fact is, while you are married to her son, she is going to be in your life, and if you have kids with him, she is going to be in your life even longer so either you do your bit to get on with her, or you live the way you are currently knowing that you will be lied to and deceived.

All I get from your posts is hostile hostile hostile, and that never solved anything.

Reply to Nonni
Posted by: CrippleCow | 2013-02-14

An interesting observation: I posted this same dilemma on an international site, and the reaction was totally different - instead of focussing on my ''inappropriate'' behaviour towards my MIL, the participants solely focused on the battering I received when trying to discuss the situation with my husband. The prevailing opinion was that MIL was the least of my problems and that I should leave my husband before he kills me.

Have we South Africans become so blasé  about violence?

Reply to CrippleCow
Posted by: CrippleCow | 2013-02-11

Bad company corrupts good morals.

This happened with my husband when he chose his mother''s company, so I will do my utmost best to avoid her company. But what eats me is the fact that he is going there without me, and I feel I can not protect him and our marriage from her poison.

I simply cant pretend to approve of her and her actions, that would make me a hypocrite.

I usually avoid all conflict for the sake of peace, but not when it comes to the sanctity of my marriage and my family.

JR, I hope you will be a mother in law, like my mother - she does not interfere or take sides. I am sure she has her opinions, but she keeps them to herself. She told me once, for her and my father to interfere in our marriage, would be like walking with dirty feet over something that is very sacred.

I appreciate your time, and your opinion - you sound rather clear headed.

Reply to CrippleCow
Posted by: JR | 2013-02-11

Her, being as she is is her choice. You, doing your best to establinsh good relations with her for the sake of your husband, or not to, will be your choice.

Whatever you decide to do, as you sow, so shall you reap.

Reply to JR
Posted by: CrippleCow | 2013-02-11

Thank you Namthic. I will be the best I can towards my husband, my dad taught me, if anything is worth doing, it is worth doing well. So, while I am married, I will be better at making this marriage work, every day. Thank you for understanding. Lies hurt. And leaves a mark for ever. Russian Proverb: With lies you might be able to go forward in life, but you can never go back.

Reply to CrippleCow
Posted by: CrippleCow | 2013-02-11

I am not sorry about my reaction to being lied to. Maybe other people do not mind lying (and that is evident), but that is not the way I was brought up and that is not the dynamics of my marriage. Lettie, God does not hate unculturednes, He hates lies. One will not burn in hell for not having culture, but for lying you will. Letti, what can I say - what is wrong with lying to your spouse? In your world, probably nothing.

Reply to CrippleCow
Posted by: CrippleCow | 2013-02-11

My MIL has always treated me as if the cat has dragged me in, with little cutting remarks where ever she can. I have always treated her with respect, despite this. I could tolerate the passive aggressiveness for 10 years of our marriage, (unlike my SIL who eventually had her booted out of the house) Before the incident, she was the proverbial ''Monster-in-law'', creating numerous problems for my sister in law and her husband with her snide remarks and criticisms (about how my SIL raises her children, for goodness sake!) So, yes, I have never loved her (in the beginning her behaviour was very upsetting to me - but I let it go, had a cry somewhere in private if she cut me. I have treated her with all the respect she did (not!) deserve) but this underhandedness of her to get her way, with no consideration what so ever for my situation, was totally uncalled for. How many of you have had months of pain? not mild discomfort - it was like being in labour for months... I did not even want my parents to come to ''help'' (my mom did offer).

So, JR, even if I did apologise, she is not capable of " warming up" . This I have learned a long time ago, and having ''another pair of hands to help'' was not in the equation - help? from a woman who has never made her own bed in her life? help from a woman who does charity work and then slanders the people around the dinner table with rolling eyes and laughter? I think not.

I never forbade hubby to see his parents, and he could just as well have told me that he was going to meet them. I probably would not have liked it much, and he probably would have told me, if she did not advise him to fib. Her motto is " what she does not know will not hurt her"  - what she told me, while feeding my SIL''s child some foodstuffs that she aught not to.

Mat 15-18: " If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ''every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church  and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

So after the upsetting call to my inlaws, and her defensive response, I called the pastor (where she is the organist in the church) so he can have a talk with her. Still nothing forthcoming from her side –  and until she apologises I will treat her like a ''pagan and tax collector'' (the people of old use to hiss and boo tax collectors). I will not hiss and boo, but I will not apologise. Breaking trust in a marriage is nothing but adultery. A lie is a lie. I am ashamed to be associated with such a two faced person who works deceit to get her way. If she had waited but a couple of weeks until after the operation, having consideration for other peoples situation, everything would have been fine. But no. Her way or the high way. With both her daughter in laws now hating her, can''t she not put two and two together?

My husband and I do not discuss this at all. And I do not trust him any more. I still love him (I think), but I am also thinking about divorce very often. Especially after the broken lip and bruises on my body.

Reply to CrippleCow
Posted by: Namthi | 2013-02-11

CrippleCow, I hear you and I understand you perfectly, you might have gone a bit over board but I wud have done the same and I do not want to be judgmental but the 3 of you based on what you have said are both at wrong

no1 you husband shouldnt have betrayed you when you are at your worst /vunerable, sneaking behind your back to meet with his mother its never justified because he painted a bad picture about you to his mom. it was never a sign of respect on his part as a husband atleast he shuold have said i will meet with my mom even if you dont allow me so that atleast you know they are going to meet. remember Husband and wife compliment each other you work together and not against each other and agreement taken by you as a couple even if he doesnt like it but ouside " its our agreement"  if you get what i mean

One thing our people to get it in their heads its that the bible says when two are joined together as husband and wife they become one....... and your first priority as husband/wife is GOD then the second is wife/husband not mother then your third is your children. YES she is his mother but she is an extended family she has no business in your affairs she cant enter or alter your decisions. white lies are very hurtful and they leave a scar ask me i know!

no2 Your mother (MIL) as an old person im very disappointed at one of her responses when you confronted her its just shows uba she is one of the typical " MIL"  always thinking we want to separate them from thier sons nxaaa! i wont comment much abuot her coz really she is an extended family your duty towards her is to love, respect, cry to her NOT confront her, she was not supposed to put fuel in your problems

no3 You my dear the only person you shuold never lose his back its your Husband be the best you can be to please him , always strive to be the best wife you can be because he chose you. never force your self to the inlaws, know when to draw the line coz they will love you today , hate you tomorow , i dont know the next day. just respect them, love them, thats all! you are their family BUT.......

Apologising hay im not sure just stay calm and sort out issues with your husband you need to be happy at your home

Reply to Namthi
Posted by: Letti | 2013-02-11

GAL, I think u have issues, even if your hubby is meeting his parents in secret, what is wrong with that??? Just cause u were sick and couldnt meet his parents, it doesnt mean that he must just be home home stuck with u, those people are his parents for heaven''s sake!

And what kind of a daughter in law are u, that u have the nerve to confront your mother in law??? it just shows that u are uncultured, u need to grow up, He didint cheat on you, u hubby did nothing rong to u, and if u want your marriage to last and not have badluck in your life, u better go back to your inlaws and apologise for your disgusting behaviour......

Stop creating issues where there are none,

Reply to Letti
Posted by: JR | 2013-02-11

You need to change the way you think about your inlaws.

I feel that, as the daughter in law, you should attempt to mend the broken bridges. No offence, but, if I was married to you, and you accused my father of teaching me to " lie"  to you, all hell will break loose because at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water, and if there was going to be hostility and unpleasantness at family gatherings, I would also forbid you from attending them.

I understand that you were not well, and did not feel up to having guests, but, how about your inlaws were there to help out while you were unable to help yourself. I would have welcomed another pair of hands to help out. Your inlaws are not your guests, they are your family and should be treated with respect.

If I were you, I would mend the broken bridge. It will never be the same again, but, if you want to keep a good, open relationship with your husband, he should never be made to feel like he has to choose between you. This is clearly to me what has happened. He felt unable to see his family in the open because you did not want to stand ready for them, so it went underground. Maybe your husband and his parents did go a bit overboard, because lets face it, it is a bit ridiculous that they have to meet in secret, and why he felt he could not tell you he was going to see his parents is a mystery. It''s not quite the same as he is having an affair he nees to keep you away from. It''s his parents for goodnes sake. Maybe there is a communication problem between you and your husband that could also use a little work.

I would phone his mom, or send her a mail asking to have coffee and apologise to her, attempting to mend the broken ties for your husband''s sake. Aplogising is not about you being wrong, but somebody has to take the first step. Aplogising is about being the bigger person. Don''t give up. She may not be open to you right off the bat because of the history, but if you persist and show her you are truly genuine, she should warm to you.

Your inlaws are not the enemy. Don''t make them the enemy because society says they should be. Where moms and sons are close, the worst thing you can do is get between them. My son is still young, but we have a very close relationship, and my hope is that one day when there is a lady in his life, that she and I will be friends at very least, or like mother and daughter ourselves.

Life is so short, and my mission in life now, is to be at peace with myself and at peace with everyone around me. The way to achieve that, is to operate always from a platform of love. It''s hard, because we are not always going to " love"  everyone we meet, but, if you study it, and make a conscious decision that this is the way you choose to live, your life will improve a hundred fold.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you all sort your issues out.

Reply to JR

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