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Question
Posted by: Rose | 2010-08-18

Baby ruins my life

I met my boyfriend in Nov 2009 and we both knew what we wanted out of our relationship. He (25yrs) wanted a child even though he was not working at the time and I (23yrs) told him i was not ready as I''m still studying part-time and I was not earning enough. In February i realised that i missed my period and in March i confirmed that i was pregnant. I felt betrayed and at the same time blame myself for letting myself fall into the situation. I went to a public clinic for an abortion (i didnt tell him about the pregnancy by then) as i didnt have money to go to marie stopes. It turned out the whole process takes time and by the time i got a date and it was in June&  was 5 months pregnant and the nurse told me it was impossible and not allowed for me to have abortion at that time. I decided to use home remedies but it seems like the harder i tried the more the baby grew. I ended up telling him and he was over the moon that made me annoyed.

The worst happened, he lost his job which he started in Feb 2010 and we had to depend on my salary which is not enough, to pay rent,our debts, groceries and everything else. I''m now 8 mnths pregnant and i havent even bought a single sock for the baby as there is no extra money to buy anything else and i feel so much hatred for it (baby). I sometimes wish i could get run over by a car or get involved in an accident so as to lose the baby. No matter how much i try to accept, i just cant and just want it out of my body but i dont know how. Its like the more i go to the dr and he mentiones that the baby is healthy is the more i feel depressed. I cry most of the time when i''m alone and suicidal. My boyfriend doesnt know i feel this way, although he''s been supportive that has helped the situation much. None of my family or friends know that i''m pregnant, only the two of us and everyone at my workplace. I just dont want to end up like those new moms who end up killing their babies as a result of post-natal depression...
Please help!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wish forming couples would talk more carefully and practically, not only of what they WANT - he "wanted" a child, even though he was unemployed, the pair of you barely knew each other, and neither of you were well placed to bring up a happy child ( the decision out to be about the child, not only what the bio-parents "want".
Then you fel pregnant - how did you feel betrayed ? Didin't the pair of you voluntarily do the things that often do lead to pregnancy ? If he fled and failed to support you in the pregnancy, I'd understand a sense of betrayal.
Was it really fair not to tell him you were pregnant ? It was, after all, his child as well as yours.
If the public sctor services take 5 months to decide on an abortion, that is disgracefully negligent. And the ultimate decision should be taken by a doctor, not only a nurse.
And it was wickedly irresponsible for an abortion clinic, state or private, not to provide for proper counselling both before the decision and afterwards - that was cruelly lousy health care.
Only after a refused safe abortion, and further abortion attempts did you decide to tell him ?
You don't mention your family or his - are they choosing to be uninvolved, or have you both decided to exclude them ?
You sound really depressed and unfortunately feeling hatred for the baby who is the only totally innocent party here. Have you not discussed this with the doctor you presumably see at the clinic ? People should be able to help you, but of course need to be told that help is needed.
Tell the doctor and your bf exactly how you feel, and explore the alternatives. It may be too late for an abortion, but for instance you could arange for an adoption - there are many loving couples out there desperate to adopt a child, with none available to them. That way the innocent child could get loving parents, and you could get helped with your depression and some more realistic life planning, and work towards a happier life ahead.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: anonymous | 2010-08-18

i would adopt that poor baby.

Reply to anonymous
Posted by: Megan | 2010-08-18

HOME ABORTION REMEDIES? Who knows what kind of damage you have caused to that poor baby! Don''t blame the baby for YOUR actions! How can you be so selfish as to try take the life of a baby away when it is wanted by your boyfriend? You don''t deserve to have a baby. Everyone here may be all kind and whatever to you, but you are the same age as me and you are definitely old enough to know better. Live up to your responsibilities or give your baby to someone who wants it. You know if you give the baby away your relationship is over. The baby didn''t ruin your life- YOU did.

Reply to Megan
Posted by: Nia | 2010-08-18

It is not the baby that has ruined your life, but sex. You willingly had sex with your boyfriend and you knew the consequences.

Think of adoption. There are far too many women who want to adopt and cannot have kids. Give them a chance to give this child love and what it deserves.

Reply to Nia
Posted by: Anon | 2010-08-18

Dear Rose, your situation is extremely sad and I even though I can''t say ''I know what you''re going through'', my heart goes out to you, your boyfriend and your unborn child. It is important that he knows how you''re feeling, as much as it''s going to hurt you to tell him, let him rather be hurt and get over it eventually than let your baby enter the world sharing the cloud of your ''dark emotional state''. No-one will be able to point a finger at you for whatever decision you make, because remember that it will e YOUR decision to make and you will have to live with it for the rest of your life. So my dear, dig deep - find yourself and do what YOU regard as ''the right thing''. God bless you.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Snoopy | 2010-08-18

Hi Rose. Yes. Please get in touch with someone who can help you through this - whether it is adoption or to keep the baby. We are about to start the adoption process as we''d like to add a baby to our family (have 2 biological children). We are trusting God to bring us our little miracle sometime in the near future. I am sure you will feel a sense of relief after having spoken to someone. I can recommend Debbie Oakley. You can google her for her ph. no. (qualified Social Worker) - a lovely lady, with lots of care and concern.
Hoping all works out the best way possible for you!!

Reply to Snoopy
Posted by: Purple | 2010-08-18

Go and see an adoption agency.
Or, your boyfriend could parent the child if you no longer want to be in the relationship and don''t want the child.
He has to give his permission for the adoption.
contact child welfare and tell them you wouldlike to give your baby up for doption.
You have 60 days after baby is born to change your mind.

Please do contact life line or Famsa for some help with the emotions you are dealing with.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: sam | 2010-08-18

Please try to get some help - ww.baby2day.co.za have a lot of support centres and groups numbers all over the country. You need to discuss it with a professional who can tell you about all the options you have and also to give you emotional support. I pray that you would make the right choice and find peace. Good luck!

Reply to sam
Posted by: Anon | 2010-08-18

That sounds awful - I canimagine how frustrated you must feel. Why don''t you look into giving the baby for adoption? There are many childless couples out there who would love the chance to look after this baby. Perhaps they will be able to give it a life that you can''t?

As overjoyed as your boyf may be, he has to realise that if you can''t afford a baby, you can''t afford one. All the love in the world is not going to fix that problem. And if you feel such deep dislike for the baby, surely it''s better to give it to someone who will love it than to bring it up, with it knowing every day that you hate it &  resent it?

Good luck.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Maria | 2010-08-18

Please consider adoption rather than harming your baby. I must warn you though that your boyfriend will have the right to apply to adopt the child if he wants her. He would have to prove that he is capable of caring for her.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Rob | 2010-08-18

I really feel sorry for you because this baby was not planned. I know from what you write that your studies are important but then what you MUST remember is that the baby did not ask to be here!!!!!!!!!

Do not hate your baby before it is even born!!!!! The baby is part of you and will be a part of your life and will fullfill your life but you either need help or a change of attitude.

PLEASE do not take the frustration out on that small little wonder that will be yours!! Love the baby with all your heart and the rest will al fall into place!!

Reply to Rob
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-08-18

I wish forming couples would talk more carefully and practically, not only of what they WANT - he "wanted" a child, even though he was unemployed, the pair of you barely knew each other, and neither of you were well placed to bring up a happy child ( the decision out to be about the child, not only what the bio-parents "want".
Then you fel pregnant - how did you feel betrayed ? Didin't the pair of you voluntarily do the things that often do lead to pregnancy ? If he fled and failed to support you in the pregnancy, I'd understand a sense of betrayal.
Was it really fair not to tell him you were pregnant ? It was, after all, his child as well as yours.
If the public sctor services take 5 months to decide on an abortion, that is disgracefully negligent. And the ultimate decision should be taken by a doctor, not only a nurse.
And it was wickedly irresponsible for an abortion clinic, state or private, not to provide for proper counselling both before the decision and afterwards - that was cruelly lousy health care.
Only after a refused safe abortion, and further abortion attempts did you decide to tell him ?
You don't mention your family or his - are they choosing to be uninvolved, or have you both decided to exclude them ?
You sound really depressed and unfortunately feeling hatred for the baby who is the only totally innocent party here. Have you not discussed this with the doctor you presumably see at the clinic ? People should be able to help you, but of course need to be told that help is needed.
Tell the doctor and your bf exactly how you feel, and explore the alternatives. It may be too late for an abortion, but for instance you could arange for an adoption - there are many loving couples out there desperate to adopt a child, with none available to them. That way the innocent child could get loving parents, and you could get helped with your depression and some more realistic life planning, and work towards a happier life ahead.

Reply to cybershrink

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