Posted by: Anon | 2011-11-05

attracted to someone already involved

I''ve fallen for someone already involved.
We get on really well on an intellectual level - which means far more to me than physical attraction.
This person had been single the first time we met and had attempted to spark something between us. The problem was that I was going overseas at the time and didn''t want to enter into any sort of relationship. I hadn''t seen her for months until recently where we have shared lengthy conversations - I find myself very much attracted to her.
This is actually quite unusual for me since I have not been in a relationship for longer than two weeks... EVER - having never really felt anything for a potential partner - this is because I struggled to connect with the person emotionally and intellectually and found them (all) emotionally and intellectually not very stimulating.
It''s fair to say I have never been in a relationship despite really craving connection. I''m 27.
Like I mentioned, this person is now in a relationship. A relationship I know is a little rocky (but then few aren''t).
I selfishly feel that I deserve a shot with this person.I''m naturally very shy and a bit reclusive. Relationships are very few and far between. I find it very diffiuclt to connect with most people. It''s been almost a decade since I felt I truly connected with another person. She''s one out of thousands who I actually enjoy.
On the other hand I would NEVER be the cause of a break-up or affair etc. I will not go there.
So then, how do I deal with my selfish feelings, feelings of ''I-deserve-her'', almost obsessive thoughts...?
Furthermore, I will see her by default on a weekly basis and already find myself mildly flirting. I don''t want to end up in an awkward situation involving her partner. (Though, of course I would love to spend a lot of time with her.)
You must understand that I am almost completely ignorant and naive about relationships. So I apologise if this comes across as trivial or even arrogant.

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Our expert says:
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Anoher Anon makes good sense. Tell her calmly and nt manipulatively. But do, please, ignore the wicked myth of THE ONE which causes needless grief to many. Please realise that she is definitely NOT the only woman with whom you could have a great relationship. Maybe some counselling like CBT could help you gain social skills and self-confidence to explore more sucessfully

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Another Anon | 2011-11-07

I dont agree. She wanted a relationship before with you, but, you did not want to. You dont have to break them up, but, I cant see why you dont tell her how youfeel.

You can say something like, you will never come between her and her boyfriend because that is not who you are, and you will never interfere in their relationship, but, your feelings for her are strong and the only reason you did not bite when she tried was because of the overseas thing.

Say that you will never try and influence her decision and you value her friendship, you just want her to know though, that your feelings for her are deeper than mere friendship.

And leave it there.
What will be will be after that.

Good luck, You sound like a really honourable, nice young man and yes, you deserve to love and be loved. Whichever lady gets you will be one lucky young lass. And even if it is not this one, your sleeping beauty will one day eventually arrive.

Reply to Another Anon
Posted by: Anon | 2011-11-06

Thanks Maria,

It makes sense what you say.
Perhaps it is best to remain friends and hope nothing awkward happens from my side.
I won''t tell her what I feel. That seems unfair on her - even if she does feel something for me, it makes a really difficult decision for her.
I can just wait and hope. And keep an eye out elsewhere I guess.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Maria | 2011-11-05

This is a tough one. There are thoughts and feelings, and there is behaviour, and one doesn''t necessarily have to follow the other. Would it be possible to keep your feelings for this girl in check and just be friends with her while she is still in a relationship? You could take a risk and let her know how you feel and that if she should become single again you would like to pursue a relationship with her. The problem there is that seeing her on a regular basis will become really awkward if she doesn''t feel the same.

I hear you when you say that she is the only woman out of many you have met that you really connect with. But it is very unlikely that she is the only woman in the world that you will feel attracted to. Despite popular culture telling us to look for " the one" , it doesn''t really work that way. So don''t cut yourself off from other options by obsessing about someone who is not currently available.

Reply to Maria

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