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Question
Posted by: Nicky | 2010/06/22

At a crossroad

I''ve been married 7 yrs and I feel now I''m at the crossroad. It''s been a tough ride for me. My husband has always mentioned the word divorce with every argument. He had an affair 5 yrs ago which is still very hard to get over. It went on for too long and I feel I wasn''t regarded at all during that time. I was so determined to save my marriage at the time. But now I loook back and I''m like why didn''t I leave then. he came home hiv +ve that he says it was not through sexual intercourse. We have 2 kids and I still want more kids but I can''t imagine myself having his kids. Why would I put myself through the risk of sperm washing procedure for a man who treated me so badly over the years. I don''t see us together in the future but still I''m afraid to be by myself. One of the reasons I''m still in the marriage, I''ve always been afraid to leave. maybe self-esteem??? My husband has been so good this days, he is a good father and trying his best to be a good husband. He''s a good provider and takes care of us very well. Having sex with him is a nightmare for me, a reminder he''s hiv positive. I''m afraid to kiss him, cause the Dr said it''s very risky as you can have mouth cuts that are undetectable and one can be infected. I look at my kids and I feel bad to divorce him. We are currently goling for counseling and it''s still hard. I don''t know what to do?? I know what to do but I don''t know if I can do it?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Be cautious not to end up living life backwards you can spend so much time reviewing past issues, and what you coulda - shoulda done, that you spend less time living more enjoyably right NOW, and working out what's best for the future. The past you cant re-do, but you can learn from it.
Going through elaborate procedures to fall pregnant by someon you don't seem to love or respect, would make no sense, as you suggest.
I hope your present couples counselling is successful - not necessarily in glueing you back together as a couple, but in enabling both of you to make the wisest decision in this situation. If your counsellor isn't reall addressing the issues you consider important, tell him/her frankly so

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Our users say:
Posted by: Stacy | 2010/06/23

This is not easy but seriously I think it is unforgivable. I would divorce him and move on with the kids I have. You are risking your very life and that of your kids. Having come from a dysfunctonal family I wish my mother had left my father years and years before she was going to (he died before that).

I think that you deserve far better and it is admirable that you tried to save your marriage, but I think you did it to your own detriment. If you really had no misgivings sex would not be such an issue even with HIV.

In a way I think you are abusing yourself.
All the best, I have been there

Reply to Stacy
Posted by: Angel | 2010/06/23

Hi there. I agree with the above comments. Many women stay because of the kids but think really about what damage you are doing to them actually. Fighting, getting HIV and then your kids are left to be orphaned.
I am sorry for your experience. Truely I am. I also have a cross to carry and its easier said than done, so please follow your heart as you know what is right. Good luck!

Reply to Angel
Posted by: Soso | 2010/06/23

U know what if it was me under this situation, my health come first and my life, Another person like a cheater who go out and do this stupid thing like screwing other girls i dont give a damm. I will divorces that idiot. I was born alone. I wont stand that situation.
are u using protection when u have sex

Reply to Soso
Posted by: anon | 2010/06/23

good heavens.
i have no experience in this so i dont think im someone to make a fair comment.

i just really wanted to say all the best.
ps: you have a right to be happy - think of your future, how happy you want to/can be.

Reply to anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/23

Be cautious not to end up living life backwards you can spend so much time reviewing past issues, and what you coulda - shoulda done, that you spend less time living more enjoyably right NOW, and working out what's best for the future. The past you cant re-do, but you can learn from it.
Going through elaborate procedures to fall pregnant by someon you don't seem to love or respect, would make no sense, as you suggest.
I hope your present couples counselling is successful - not necessarily in glueing you back together as a couple, but in enabling both of you to make the wisest decision in this situation. If your counsellor isn't reall addressing the issues you consider important, tell him/her frankly so

Reply to cybershrink

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