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Posted by: Suzi | 2012-11-13

Ashamed

good day

I am so ashamed and it took me a while to ask for advice please advice do not judge me for this is the last thing i need at this moment,,, i have a one bedroom flat and i share a room with my 11 year old daughter, Last Night my fiance'''' slept over and as we thought she was asleep we took a chance to be intimate,, she woke up and caught us in the act,, she was upset and histerical... i just needed someone to talk to about it and need advice on how to aproach the satuation and talk to her about it,, i dnt want her to loose respect for me , and at the same time i would like to still know that im her mother though i make mistakes.. please i need advise

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Our expert says:
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I understand the difficult circumstances, and how embarrassing this even will have been for you all. How to discuss this with her depends in good part in whether you have had any previous discussions with her about sex and relationships, or if this is uncharted territory. And on other actors, such as her relative emotional maturity, any previous exposure and reactions on her side to sexual matters ( even how she may have responded to intimacies seen on TV, for instance ). Has she possibly been exposed in any unpleasant way, to aexuality at school or elsewhere ?
This is why it is worthwhile, raher than aiming at one single session of "telling" a child about sex, to have a series of ongoing discussions that touch on the topic. varying according as to their level of understanding and experiences and questions.
A child might in a situation such as you describe be confused even anxious, but "upset and hysterical" makes one wonder what specifically she found so upsetting. Children can quite often mistake sexual intimacy involving their parents as violence, fighting, and potentially dangerous.
She knows you are her mother and a good person, presumably, from her long experience of you, so this is probably not at risk now.
Before you know exactly what to say, you need to understand, if possible what she thinks she saw and what is bothering her about it. You can say you are sorry that whatever she saw last night obviously very much upset her, and that this is not something you intended to happen, in any way.
Encourage her to talk about it if you can.
You don't know how to answer her questions until you know what those questions are.
Good responses from the other readers, so far.
Re-assure her that she is still greatly loved and of the greatest importance to you. Explain that you are also fond of your boyfriend, and last night the pair of you became too involved in expressing that fondness for each other, which you know you should not have done in front of her. Seek her questions, and concerns, and respond sincerely to those.
The reason I emphasize this manner of response is that in my experience, without searching for these concerns, in sexual and other matters, parents often answer the questions the kid misn't asking, and re-assure them about things they aren't actually worried about, while missing the points that really do concern them.
Do feel free to come back to the forum with a fresh posting, to let us know how things go with you
Explain to her that you are concerned that you made a mistake by

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Suzi | 2012-11-13

thank you all for the advice, and i will sure have a talk with her, tonight,,, We are not sharing a bed its two beds in the room,, but we are moving to a biger place end of this month so she can also have her privacy and own space....

Reply to Suzi
Posted by: Anon | 2012-11-13

I agree with Kelly, assuming that you have two beds or a bed and matress (As in not actually sharing a bed with your daughter) you should consider moving one out into the lounge or living area or perhaps just getting a sleeper couch that can be packed back up every morning.Having you living area transform into a bedroom might be a bit weird if you plan on having guests, but to me, it''s better than sharing a room with a girl who is reaching an age where she would want some privacy and personal space and clearly YOU want and deserve some personal space too.
I don''t know how long you have been living under these circumstances? Maybe it has only been a temporary thing, and I really do not want to judge because I don''t know what is going on in your life, but these are NOT normal living conditions to me and definitely not ok and should be changed as soon as you possibly can, even if the solution is as sub optimal as moving a bed into the living room.

As far as talking to her about it, if you have discussed sex, love, relationship and privacy with her and gave her a good set of morals to follow in life, you can''t really blame her if she is upset with you or if she has lost some respect for you for not following your own ''rules''. Personally, I would sit down with her and explain that you are trying your best but also make mistakes sometimes and that you are so very very sorry to have let her down. Acknoweldge that what you did was inexcusable and that it won''t happen again, I would also then discuss with her and ask her what she thinks of moving a bed into the living area for one of you two.

Best of luck to you and daughter.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: lindi | 2012-11-13

hi lady

am sorry for what happened, it must be upsetting for a child to see that, just talk to her and apologize that you are sorry for what happened and re-assure her that it will never happen again, Mommy made a big mistake and you feel so ashamed and please next-time find a way to hook up when in a more appropriate arrangements.

As parents we need to protect children at whatever cost and put them before our own needs.

Hope all goes well.

Reply to lindi
Posted by: Kelly | 2012-11-13

HECTIC! That kid must be traumatized.
I''m sure CS will have some good advice for you wrt speaking to her. I would def. change the sleeping arrangements, maybe put up a bed in the lounge for her since you do not have another room?
It was a rather irresponsible thing to do though, seriously having sex while your 11 yr old daughter is sleeping next to you. I would actually regard that as child abuse and I dont blame her for being majorly upset with you! You''ve def. learnt your lesson though so yip, change those sleeping arrangement or do not sleep with him until you guys are married and have a seperate room.

Reply to Kelly

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