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Question
Posted by: embarresed | 2011/12/08

asexual husband

Hello
I am a 32 year old woman, married for 9 years with 2 kids. My husband is not into sex. We often fight about this, he tells me he just doesnt think of it. He doesnt have erectile dysfunction, he can get it up, he just doesnt want to. I''ve only ever had sex with him, and now i feel like i missed out. I feel like im old now and i missed out on my life. Now i wish i slept with every guy i ever dated and had one night stands, anything. I read on the internet about asexuals, but how do i cope with this? I am a normal woman and he is asexual, everytime i innitiate sex i feel like i''m punishing him because he really doesnt want this.
Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

I would recommend that you seek professional help about this. Your needs of intimacy and feeling loved by your husband are not being met and it is not surprising that you feel this way. If your husband agrees, it may help to attend counselling regarding this issue. There are sometimes physiological causes of decreased libido such as low levels of testosterone which would have to be excluded. For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: hornybitch | 2011/12/14

use your fingers

Reply to hornybitch
Posted by: Tito | 2011/12/14

he may be gay!
im in the same boat, im that kind of husband. my wife also thinks i have a condition, but im just gay. we have 3 kids, and i cant come out of the closet. i love my family a lot, so im not willing to break it.

Reply to Tito
Posted by: Thobi | 2011/12/14

Who diagnosed your husband ''asexual'' if I may ask?

Reply to Thobi
Posted by: Pretty | 2011/12/14

I also have the same problem dear but not exactly the same because my husband of 7 years has been cheating since we got married. We also have 2 kids, if I have not initiated sex he will never do it and sometimes I wait for him only to find that I can wait even for a year bcoz he sems like he is not interested at all. When I check his cellphone I would find pictures of him and his girlfriends having sex.

Reply to Pretty
Posted by: Charles | 2011/12/14

SA Man sorry to hear about your situation. If you would like to chat, since we are in a similar boat, you can mail me charles dot jansen45 at gmail dot com

Reply to Charles
Posted by: SA Man | 2011/12/14

@ Charles
I have the same problem with my wife of 17 years as you.
No kissing, holding, touching, stick it in and get it over and done with and with a very strict time limit
And my wife can see NOTHING wrong with this

Good to see other people have the same problem as me :)

Reply to SA Man
Posted by: Nan | 2011/12/14

Dear embarrassed, i know EXACTLY how you feel! i was in the exact same position. i was married for 19 years to a man who was never interested. he was also the first and only one man i slept with. unless we didnt have a fight it never happened and then i felt he only did it because he saw it as " his duty" . In front of other he always said how much he loved me. He never wanted professional help and blamed me for discussing this with my gp. eventually i fell for another man who think i am the most beautiful woman in the world and who cannot get enough of me and we are happily married for 5 years. needless to say, i was the whore who cheated on him and he bad mouth me everywhere he goes. I really hope you can get this sorted before you go the same path.

Reply to Nan
Posted by: Sisi | 2011/12/14

Divorce is definitely not the answer guys, sit down with him and explain how you feel or maybe write him a letter explaining in detail how you feel and what you are recommending wrt seeking professional help. For all you know he could be gay in the closet and the fact that you have children doesn''t change anything. Only you can help him now - make his way out easy. Be grateful that at leas he gave you these beautiful kids - it could be worse. Imagine being married with no sex no kids. At least he was decent enough to force himself and succeeded to have the kids. You are in this together please help each other.

Reply to Sisi
Posted by: Blertus | 2011/12/13

This problem needs attention. If you want to go on like this, don''t complain. Go to a professional person to get help  a psychologist or Famsa in you area. There could be many reasons for this lack of libido. Stress, medication or other medical reasons. If he or she refuses to cooperate, divorse him / her.

Reply to Blertus
Posted by: BKD | 2011/12/13

Are you sure he''s not a homosexual?

Reply to BKD
Posted by: Annie | 2011/12/13

He is getting somewhere else!!!!!!!

Reply to Annie
Posted by: crazy | 2011/12/12

just a thought was your husband with you when you delivered your kids just asking I have a mate with the same issues after he saw his kids born he was totally off sex.Personally seek profesional help.This can make or break your marriage sex is a very important aspect in a good relationship I know the feeling and I''m a man ,my wife and I was in the same boat and luckily for me she was prepaired to get help.So good luck on that hope it all plans out for you.

Reply to crazy
Posted by: unknown | 2011/12/12

I HAD A BOY FRIEND WHO IS STAYING NEXT TO MY HOUSE ITS NOT VERY FAR.BT IT TAKES ABOUT 4 WEEKS 2 C HIM.HE IS NOT INTERESTED 2 CM AND CHECK ME IF I ASK HIM SOMETIMES HE SAYS HE CAME LATE FRM WORK AND I MISS HIM SO MUCH HE IS THE ONLY ONE IN MY LIFE.AND I DON''T FEEL LIKE SEEING ANYONE I REALLY LOVE HIM.PLS HELP ME LADIES WHAT I MUST DO

Reply to unknown
Posted by: Pieter | 2011/12/11

Hi, have the same problem as all of you, we are 39, 10 yrs married, no problems, she is just not intrested. When it happened, she really enjoys it, but than nothing for weeks. What do i do?

Reply to Pieter
Posted by: Anon | 2011/12/09

XXX - I agree with you - but when he is just plainly not interested, says it''s not something he thinks about and doesn''t think there is anything wrong - Well then there is no where else to go. You accept it, after all " if there is nothing wrong"  they are not going to go for advice now are they??

Reply to Anon
Posted by: XXX | 2011/12/09

You are NOT too old at all for lots of good sex.You need to get him to a Sexologist to check out the problem and how he can be helped.
It is simply not acceptable to do nothing about an issue like this as sex is a HUGE part of a relationship.I always say that when sex is great it is not so important BUT when the sex is lousy,it is very important.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Charles | 2011/12/09

Hi Ladies - i am in the same situation as you guys. My wife is not interested in sex at all. It happens every 2 or 3 months, and when it does happen its wham bam thank you mam. No foreplay, touching, kissing etc. I am tired taking to her. I have recomended professional assistance but she refuses. I also have 2 kids and dont want to divorce her just becuase of a lack of sex. Not sure what to do though, it is becoming really frustrating.

Reply to Charles
Posted by: Anon | 2011/12/09

Hi Embarresed, I really do know how you feel, and you have my complete sympathy. It would be the easy way out to just get a divorce, I too have thought about it, but ultimately it isn''t. Honestly the rest of the relationship is good. We also have kids, and I am lucky if I get it once a month. But you know what then do the little things that please you and yes help yourself. It is not the ultimate satisfaction but it helps. Takes the edge of so to speak.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: embarresed | 2011/12/09

Hi Anon, thanks for the reply. I''m glad to hear i''m not alone. You atleast got a couple of years of good sex. I never did. I now have to make peace with the fact that i will never do it in a car, or pool, or in the middle of the day, or with chocolate syrup. Everytime i innitiate sex i actually feel like i''m raping him. So i leave him alone for about 2 months then i try again and feel really guilty afterwards because i know that he is just lying there and taking it even though he really doesnt want to. I have children, so i cant just get a divorce. Imagen how embarresing that would be, i''d be the woman who got divorced because her husband didnt want to have sex with her.

Reply to embarresed
Posted by: Anon | 2011/12/09

Hi Embarressed, Not much you can do unless you went looking for it somewhere else, not really advisable. Rather just help yourself. I am in exactly the same position (I didn''t know there was a name for it though). Been married for almost 25 years and the last 7 8 year have been like that. He is just plain not interested and that is it. One also can''t force the isssue either.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Realist | 2011/12/09

Horneyguy this lady clearly has a problem and judging by your comment you will not be able to help her either she needs help she does not need to babysit an idiot like yourself, clearly you dont have a girlfriend or wife which means your a probably a failure in bed as well.

Go back to creche and stop making a nuisance of yourself around adults off you go now

Reply to Realist
Posted by: Hornyguy | 2011/12/08

Mail me we can chat

Reply to Hornyguy
Posted by: Hornyguy | 2011/12/08

Its never too late - mail me hornyguy67 at gmail dot com

Reply to Hornyguy
Posted by: sexologist | 2011/12/08

I would recommend that you seek professional help about this. Your needs of intimacy and feeling loved by your husband are not being met and it is not surprising that you feel this way. If your husband agrees, it may help to attend counselling regarding this issue. There are sometimes physiological causes of decreased libido such as low levels of testosterone which would have to be excluded. For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

Reply to sexologist

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