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Question
Posted by: Visitor | 2012/03/26

Arguments with husband

Hi Doc

Please advise, religiously we spend Christmas at the inlaws. Last Christmas my hubby invited ppl and family to our house without telling me - he mentioned it 3 days before Christmas while we were having lunch with friends. I was furious, but nontheless spent the entire day cooking, entertaining and cleaning for the sake of his family and friends. I left it at that and he did not even say thank you for all the effort you put in. Now this week I learn that he invited friends over for Sunday lunch - without consulting me AGAIN....I got a message from one of my friends asking me what time will lunch be?? I approached my hubby and he went into a fit saying that if I don''t want to cook it''s fine he will get somebody to cook - which he did btw. He does not understand that it''s not about the cooking, but when I have guest over I''d like to know in advanced so that I can prepare in advance. Anyway when his friends and their wifes arrived for the lunch I left, and only returned later the afternoon. I just felt that I''m not going to sit there and pretend. I feel that things like this should be discussed with me and not in the company of our friends. We have not been speaking since, and last night when I wanted to talk it out he said that he is not goingto entertain what I have to say. Am I wrong for putting my foot down and not just jumping to things that he does not discuss with me?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

The start of your story describes Bad Manners - neither spouse should invite anyone to the home without discussing it with the other spouse. Similarly, a thank you is also simply good manners. If he keeps on doing this, as in the recent event, maybe you should explain that unfortunately as he didn't check with you, you're unavailable on that day, as you have made other arrangements to go out, so you hope he has a plan to hire a caterer or someone else to cook for them. Apparently this didn't faze him - maybe one then says you'd be glad to cook, but as he gave you no warning, there's no suitable food in the house at that time - could you serve them bacon and eggs ?
Anyhow, of course you're right to put your foot down and insist on simple courtesy. What would happen if you invited friends of yours ( not his ) round without warning him till thae last minute ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: wo | 2012/03/26

Just wonder how you got married to these idiots..? are you ladies telling me you didn''t know they behaved like kids before you married them..? I doubt...or you did but thought marriage would change them...at least you now know the answer.Visitor, divorce him

Reply to wo
Posted by: Same here | 2012/03/26

I think that most men just don''t know how to communicate. If you as a wife you want to talk things out, you''re whining or nagging. I am living with someone like that. He doesn''t see why I get upset when he just takes car keys and say " I''ll be back"  without telling me where he''s going. Let''s say something happens to him of he doesn''t come home. or he''s injured somewhere, where do I start to look, what do I tell his family? I never even know when he''s on leave.

Like this morning, he just didn''t get up, even though last night he''d prepared his work clothes and he didn''t bother to tell me whether he is going to work or not. I am done asking now, cause it seems I''m the only one who gives a damn.

Reply to Same here
Posted by: fifi | 2012/03/26

Los hom, he will get it were he learn it, He doesnt appreciate you as a women. Some other man are like women. how can he invite people and does not tell you. He is useless.

Reply to fifi
Posted by: Visitor | 2012/03/26

Ai Bongi, you know it puts me in such a bad space....when I''m angry I just loose all interest. We are busy renovating our home and he asked me what colour tiles he should buy....I felt like saying " why don''t u ask your friends" . You know I never complain when he goes out, I''m understanding when he is stressed and all I want is to be treated as a wife and not a room mate. We have been married for 4 years and up until today he has Never even made me breakfast in bed, he can''t say the food was nice or even kiss and say " I love you"  When I ask him he says his name is not " Bo Brady"  and I leave it at that because I know his dad is not very effectionate so maybe he was brought up like that.....

Reply to Visitor
Posted by: Bongi | 2012/03/26

I swear I am having a Dey Ja Voo (However you spell it). I know this story. My husband did the exact same thing to me way back when, when I was still married. He concluded that I did not like his friends. He would say as human beings our home should be open and welcoming to people. And I was saying, as you say, I am not saying they are not welcome, I am saying I need to be able to prepare. One day I aslo did the same - just got into my car and off to my sister''s, tires screetching.

I don''t have any constructive advice unfortunately - see, I divorced the moron.

Reply to Bongi
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/26

The start of your story describes Bad Manners - neither spouse should invite anyone to the home without discussing it with the other spouse. Similarly, a thank you is also simply good manners. If he keeps on doing this, as in the recent event, maybe you should explain that unfortunately as he didn't check with you, you're unavailable on that day, as you have made other arrangements to go out, so you hope he has a plan to hire a caterer or someone else to cook for them. Apparently this didn't faze him - maybe one then says you'd be glad to cook, but as he gave you no warning, there's no suitable food in the house at that time - could you serve them bacon and eggs ?
Anyhow, of course you're right to put your foot down and insist on simple courtesy. What would happen if you invited friends of yours ( not his ) round without warning him till thae last minute ?

Reply to cybershrink

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