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Question
Posted by: Nonnie | 2012-07-23

Are there any decent men out there?

Dear CS,
I am not sure if my expectations are too high or unrealistic. I have divorced my husband after almost 20 years of humiliation, or at least I think it was humiliating. He used to lie about almost everything. Even if there was no reason, he would do it. Almost like normal. I used to cringe at the ease with which he could lie to people and how believable it was to them. He also lied to a lot of women and I knew about most of them. It was easy for him to impress these women. Some of them were staff members of his. I used to think that it was easy for them to fall prey, but he could never charm an intelligent, professional woman. Then I started thinking that I was intimidating him with my position in life. So I started taking the back seat with my studies, my career and everything else. I knew that he would always come back to me after each little affair. I suffered with depression, lacked self confidence and eventually decided that I had enough of his manipulative ways.
I then got involved with a man who believed that women did not respect him if he respected them! He is a successful professional person, but had women in every corner of the country, lied about insignificant things and so I left this relationship.
I recently got involved with a man with the same traits. Wonderful personality, makes me laugh and for a while I was happy. Then came the regular postings on date sites for singles, text messages from women, often much younger and an ex who just would not leave. Or maybe he was lying to her and me at the same time? He called it " white lies"  and said that it was to protect me from getting hurt by his actions?
Why do men lie? Why do they feel that having more than one girlfriend makes them more manly? Are there any decent men out there? Are my expectations too high? I don''t want casual sex, I want a mutually fulfulling relationship with someone who values commitment, honesty and faithfulness. I would never cheat on a person that I love, why does it happen to me all the time?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Are their ANY decent men out there ? Yes, but I am not available.
Seriously, some people, and it sounds as though your husband might be one of them, are what we call Pathological Liars - they lie very often, even when its of no apparent benefit to them, and even when they're bound to be found out. Others are strategic liars - if he lied only to impress women for his own purposes, that was a slightly different form of lie. But none of these lies would be in any way your fault, or responsibility, and you should not allow yourself to feel humiliated by what HE chose to do.
Most frequent liars are basially selfish.
That you've experienced so much bad luck in relationships is not a reflection of a total lack of good people out there, but maybe of a lack of wisdom and skill in picking people with whom to become involved.
Relationships are complex, and as Life says, there are women who behave similarly in how they treat men. There is a human capacity to be deceitful and selfish, and it is not linked to sex or gender.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

7
Our users say:
Posted by: Kosie | 2012-07-25

@ Nonnie

Shamepies. Jammer om van jou k@k te hoor.

Word eerder ''n non en bly weg van verhoudings af.

Soos hulle altyd se. THATS LIFE!!! LIFE''S A BITCH &  YOU MARRY ONE TOO.

Reply to Kosie
Posted by: Brian | 2012-07-23

Sometimes I think it is just far better to be single. But then again we were never meant to be alone. Eish just so complicated.

Reply to Brian
Posted by: Phil | 2012-07-23

Yes there is. And we sometimes also prefer to be single.  -)

Reply to Phil
Posted by: LIFE | 2012-07-23

WOMEN DO THE SAME THING TO MEN,

Reply to LIFE
Posted by: Maria | 2012-07-23

20 Years is a long time to put up with all of that. Yes there are still decent men who treat women with respect and don''t lie and cheat. My suggestion is that you leave dating for a while. Live you life, pursue your interests and become comfortable with being on your own. Try to cultivate friendships, if you are friends with a man you can suss out his values and behaviour without the pressure of a relationship.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Romany | 2012-07-23

Your story is the same as so many other women''s stories. There is no answer to your question.
So many women laterly hiust " move on" .
In the past 6 months 4 women that I personally know simply packed up and left. Started their own lives without men and claim they have never been happier.
It is a sad state of affairs. I will probably be crucified by saying this, but I blame things such as " women''s lib" . The man is no longer the head of the house, the protector and the bread winner, so he feels inferior. I am looking forward to CS''s response to your post.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-07-23

Are their ANY decent men out there ? Yes, but I am not available.
Seriously, some people, and it sounds as though your husband might be one of them, are what we call Pathological Liars - they lie very often, even when its of no apparent benefit to them, and even when they're bound to be found out. Others are strategic liars - if he lied only to impress women for his own purposes, that was a slightly different form of lie. But none of these lies would be in any way your fault, or responsibility, and you should not allow yourself to feel humiliated by what HE chose to do.
Most frequent liars are basially selfish.
That you've experienced so much bad luck in relationships is not a reflection of a total lack of good people out there, but maybe of a lack of wisdom and skill in picking people with whom to become involved.
Relationships are complex, and as Life says, there are women who behave similarly in how they treat men. There is a human capacity to be deceitful and selfish, and it is not linked to sex or gender.

Reply to cybershrink

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