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Question
Posted by: Angela | 2012-05-07

annoyed with Scrooge husband - am I ungrateful?

Hi Doc - I''m feeling a bit annoyed with my husband and feeling that he is a bit stingy. Please be honest and tell me if I am ungrateful...
We pay our own way in our marriage. He earns three times more than I do.
We have a combined account into which we put money every month for stuff like groceries, eating out, water/elec, petrol etc etc... we put in equal amounts, which personally leaves me with R200.00 (two hundred rand) left incase I want to buy clothes or something.

I usually feel I shouldn''t be expecting anything from him, because he pays he''s bond of R4500.00 every month, as I cannot afford to help, and he bought this house a few years before we got together... not that I will benefit from this house, as he''s sister is the beneficery if something should happen to him.

I was so heart sore this passed weekend when we went to a festival and he did not even offer to pay my R40.00 entrance fee, and when we got to the bar I had to pay for my own drinks.

I feel like although it is something so small, why can''t he treat me occassionally?

Am I ungrateful or over reacting? After all - I can''t even contribute towards the bond....
I''m such a looser!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Are you ungrateful ? Is HE ungrateful ?
Frankly, the usual sort of arrangement ( and its how maintenance is calculated if a couple split up ) is for each spouse to contribute to the total costs IN PROPORTION TO THEIR EARNINGS. So if he earns 3 times more, he should pay in 3 times more as his share.
It gets complex because he is paying towards the existing bond - and its not "your" house, though again, in the event of a divorce, you might be expected to share part of the proceeds if it were sold. But you ay he has formally left it to his sister, which is hardly a generous way to take care of his wife.
You're not a loser at all, and as he p[resumably has a load more money left over each month compared to you, frankly I have never heard of a husband expecting his wife to pay for her own drinks or admissions when he's there.
Maybe marriage counselling would be a good idea ( if he could agree on how to share that cost !). He's mean, yes.

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Posted by: Tota | 2012-05-26

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Reply to Tota
Posted by: Greta | 2012-05-08

Hell yes your husband is mean!! Geez cannot even buy his wife a few drinks and pay a lousy R40 entrance fee??? What is the roles were reversed and you earned the larger monthly income - would he be happy if you treated him so badly? I earn a much higher salary than my husband, we have one bank account (mine) on which he has no signing power, so I basically control the purse strings. My husband is very generous and loves to spend money (sometimes I think it''s more waste) - the reason why I control the finances. Your husband is treating you very badly and maybe you should have some counselling as CS suggests.

Reply to Greta
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-05-07

Are you ungrateful ? Is HE ungrateful ?
Frankly, the usual sort of arrangement ( and its how maintenance is calculated if a couple split up ) is for each spouse to contribute to the total costs IN PROPORTION TO THEIR EARNINGS. So if he earns 3 times more, he should pay in 3 times more as his share.
It gets complex because he is paying towards the existing bond - and its not "your" house, though again, in the event of a divorce, you might be expected to share part of the proceeds if it were sold. But you ay he has formally left it to his sister, which is hardly a generous way to take care of his wife.
You're not a loser at all, and as he p[resumably has a load more money left over each month compared to you, frankly I have never heard of a husband expecting his wife to pay for her own drinks or admissions when he's there.
Maybe marriage counselling would be a good idea ( if he could agree on how to share that cost !). He's mean, yes.

Reply to cybershrink

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