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Question
Posted by: Annon | 2012/06/15

Annoyed

My husband impregnated a woman he had a brief affair with and now the woman wants to give the baby my husband’ s surname and she also wants our families to get together to discuss the baby’ s future. My husband has already decided to take full responsibility for the child and he feels it is up to her to make the decision about the surname. We are trying to rebuild our relationship and I find the idea disgusting beyond comprehension, especially after she knowingly slept with a married man. I am still dealing with the shock of the affair and pregnancy, and I find her antics very deliberate and opportunistic. Am I being unreasonable?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe its considerate of her to want you to be involved in decisions about the baby's future, but such a meeting may of course be painful for you. I've no idea of what legal issues are involved, but suspect she might be allowed to give the child its father's surname, but that this may need his consent and some formal legal process.
There is no good excuse for her choosing to sleep with a married man, and, apparently, to take no contraceptive precautions. But surely a major concern now has to be the best interests of the child, and your husband can't evade a responsibility to provide maintenance for the child, though the mother should also of course be expected to contribute towards that.
Maybe if you agree to meet her in this suggested meeting, you'll have a better chance to assess whether she is being as opportunistic as you suspect, and to intervene to limit that, mif it proves to be so.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2012/06/15

Rather keep everything legal and objective. Meeting with this woman is going to make it personal and then things are going to blow up. If she wants to meet to discuss the future of the child, best to do it with legal counsel present. Your husband has to agree on this with you however. A court order must be drawn up stating how much your husband has to provide for this child as well as his visitation rights. That way she can''t start taking chances. Your husband also needs to take a stand and not entertain her emotional blackmail anymore. He needs to tell her very clearly that he is not going to leave you for her and he should not reply to any of her sms''s unless it has to do with the child.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Annon | 2012/06/15

I am the one she wants to meet with, she wants her family to meet with my in-laws. I am the last person in her mind. I have read text messages from her to my husband, asking him about their future together because a baby needs to be raised by both parents, as if my kids dont exist.

Reply to Annon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/06/15

Maybe its considerate of her to want you to be involved in decisions about the baby's future, but such a meeting may of course be painful for you. I've no idea of what legal issues are involved, but suspect she might be allowed to give the child its father's surname, but that this may need his consent and some formal legal process.
There is no good excuse for her choosing to sleep with a married man, and, apparently, to take no contraceptive precautions. But surely a major concern now has to be the best interests of the child, and your husband can't evade a responsibility to provide maintenance for the child, though the mother should also of course be expected to contribute towards that.
Maybe if you agree to meet her in this suggested meeting, you'll have a better chance to assess whether she is being as opportunistic as you suspect, and to intervene to limit that, mif it proves to be so.

Reply to cybershrink

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