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Question
Posted by: Megan-Lee | 2012-06-28

ANGER / SADNESS

I tend to hide my feelings of sadness behind bursts of anger ... I don''t like people to see my sadness, I prefer them to see my anger - I don''t want to show any signs of weakness. I have just this morning broken off a friendship because of this. I was accused of having anger issues and a very volatile temper. Things were said which I know neither of us will be able to take back. I also have rather intense feelings of hatred towards people who anger me and I bear grudges for a very long time when someone has said or done something I don''t like! I feel rather saddened by what has happened (lost a good friend), but also angry at the same time as he pointed out my faults to me (who the hell does he think he is to judge me??) I know I need to deal with whatever is bothering me (unhappy marriage, hate my job, hate living in Jhb and so it carries on). Please advise CS. Thanks.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Isn't it interesting, that you feel ( what ? ashamed ? ) for people to see you sad, but not for them to see you angry ? Is anger more admirable than sadness ?
As you describe your usual way of handling such situations, it really doesn't sound like a useful technique. See a counsellor to work on sorrow and anger and better ways of handling both.
Pointing out faults or the ways one may cause problems for oneself or others isnt necessarily "judging", not is "judging" necessarily a bad or unhelpful or unkind thing.
I find it curious that "DOn't JUDGE me!" has become such a popular excuse to evade responsibility for ones choices and actions, at the same time that people love watching Reality TV and Game shows, in which contestants / participants are severely "judged" and cast out, "sent home", "evicted" and otherwise eliomintated. Judging, often unfairly and with prejudice is a central element of these popular programs.
Anyhow, take a break, as siggested, and consider seeing a counsellor to do exactly what you realize you need to do, to deal directly and successfully with the specific things that are troubling you.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Winnie | 2012-06-28

When last did you have a holiday? Take a break, the change of scenery and pace will do you good. You can do some soul searching and find out what is bothering you and try to work on it.

Reply to Winnie
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-06-28

Isn't it interesting, that you feel ( what ? ashamed ? ) for people to see you sad, but not for them to see you angry ? Is anger more admirable than sadness ?
As you describe your usual way of handling such situations, it really doesn't sound like a useful technique. See a counsellor to work on sorrow and anger and better ways of handling both.
Pointing out faults or the ways one may cause problems for oneself or others isnt necessarily "judging", not is "judging" necessarily a bad or unhelpful or unkind thing.
I find it curious that "DOn't JUDGE me!" has become such a popular excuse to evade responsibility for ones choices and actions, at the same time that people love watching Reality TV and Game shows, in which contestants / participants are severely "judged" and cast out, "sent home", "evicted" and otherwise eliomintated. Judging, often unfairly and with prejudice is a central element of these popular programs.
Anyhow, take a break, as siggested, and consider seeing a counsellor to do exactly what you realize you need to do, to deal directly and successfully with the specific things that are troubling you.

Reply to cybershrink

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