Posted by: Molly | 2009-05-03

Anger Management

Hi Doc,

I' m a 22 year old female in desperate need of anger management.

I am not abusive to my boyfriend but I am breaking things in my home left right and centre.
I broke my brand new cellphone on Friday by throwing my bag against the wall and yesterday I broke a small table that belonged to my great grandmother. I break lots of other things and I scream and I cry so hard I can' t breath and my body hurts and I don' t want to do anything except scream and break my house down. I used to cut myself and I am trying to stop- the last time I did it was about a month ago, but I ripped out a chunk of my hair and I scratched out chunks of my skin a while back.

My boyfriend on the other hand has become increasingly violent towards me. Today he slapped me so hard he wacked my glasses off my face and bent them. He has since calmed down and he said his one friend is in anger management and he' s going to ask him where he goes.

We' ve been together for 6 years and it' s only these past few months that the violence has been bad. We don' t want to lose each other to anger. And we also realise we need couple therapy.

Is there any place you' d recommend? Where do we start looking? Do they charge? Thank you.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOu need to see a good local shrink for assessment ( as there can be various reasons for such hair-trigger temper tantrums, and such bad choices of ways of responding to anger ) and selection of the most useful way to intervene.

Have you thought seriously about what sort of situations trigger these excessive rages --- and why you seem to feel satisfied by breaking things ?

Your bf's physical violence towards you is unacceptable, though one can understand that it must be very frustrating for him to have you go into your tantrums, too, and it is common advice among lay people, to slap someone's face when they get "hysterical" to help get them out of that state of increasingly unthinking fury.

Anger management if from a suitable genuine psych expert could help, but effective treatment always epends on a proper, expert diagnosis.

As for couple therapy, good idea --- call your local branch of FAMSA, and they can recommend a number of people near you, perhaps even with some particular interest in or experience of anger problems, and can discuss potential costs

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-05

Sounds like your boyfriend finally snapped after taking your tantrums for 6yrs! Who is paying for all the stuff you breaking? My wife slaps me, but I like it.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-05

It is not right to hit, it is definitely not right for men to hit women, EVER. Men still have the option to walk away, something that not all women can do, either because they do not work and have the kids. Men are physically stronger, then can defend without hitting. IF you hit a woman, you are a disgrace, no other way to say it. And I am a MAN ... so don' t start with the woman card!!!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-05

huh huh huh huh

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-05

There is something else bothering you. You probably know what it is and are struggling to deal with it. I suggest you write your frustrations down (money, job/career, relationship/sex life ..) and then write down a strategy for dealing with those. You are NOT powerless to deal with the underlying issues, you just need a starting point. Do it now ..... grab a pen and paper ....

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-05

You say you are very violent, by breaking things, and that your bf hit you out of the blue as it were. I wonder if you did not hit him first? I am just saying in general people are so against men hitting woman out there, which I agree is wrong, BUT, more and more woman are starting to abuse their men physically, and why are men not supposed to react? That is bs, it is not equal. If your gf hits you, then you are allowed to retaliate. It' s either equality or nothing. It' s like the race card, previously there was no defence against, but now that we are all equal, it holds no water.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Greig | 2009-05-05

I really feel sorry for you if you unable to control your anger. I used to go into fits of rage but they were mostly alcohol induced. I stopped drinking 18 months ago. If no one is driving you to do what you do then you have a serious psychiatric problem and need the help of a psychiatrist. Good luck, I hope that you get the help that you need.

Reply to Greig
Posted by: Luke | 2009-05-05

This is a typical " throwing the toys out of the cot"  situation. When you were kids, the measures taken were not adequate to teach you to handle situations calmly. It' s a typical outfall of modernized " psycological"  upbringing, where the brats are spoiled to hell and back. It' s going to take years to teach youselves to first think and act later, de-fusing possible violent reactions. Good luck.

Reply to Luke
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-05

Maybe you should stop acting like a child. You obviously are in a toxic relationship (it doesn' t matter whose fault it is) and both of you need to end this. It is quite clear that you have issues and I am going to go out on a limb and guess that your boyfriend is quite a bit older than you and that he was your " first love" , so to speak. You were probably also quite a rebel the past couple of years but you have since recently realised that there must be more to life than spiting your parents. Please correct me if I' m wrong.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Frosty! | 2009-05-04

People, especially those that know they can remain anonymous, will use ill placed humour to disguise their inability to communicate in an intelligent manner. The old adage of “ I was only joking” , when stupidity turns to embarrassment or insult, is extensively used to mask their deficiency. Intelligence is like people standing on a ladder: You can interact on anyone’ s level, provided they’ re on a lower rung than yourself. Here’ s a hint: If you don’ t have anything nice to say, don’ t say anything.

Reply to Frosty!
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-04

Why do people make such unhelpful and useless comments all the time? " Im glad im not your neighbour" .. wally. Either post comments that help the person who is asking for advice, or go wash your bakkie...

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Wisdom | 2009-05-04

I think your bf is an idiot for hitting you.

Reply to Wisdom
Posted by: Frosty! | 2009-05-04

You may be having too much sex.
It is commonly accepted in the medical fraternity that the excessive use of euphoric drugs can lead to over production and hence the depletion of serotonin and dopamine, needed in your brain for, among other things, emotional stimulation and control.
Sex can become addictive because of the release of these naturally produced stimulants and have the same long term effects as drug abuse.
Depression, often bipolar, is a symptom of this abuse.
There are a multitude of effective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors on the market and your dilemma may be as easy as popping a pill twice a day for the next 6 to 9 months.
Having said that, it would greatly ensure success if you combine any treatment with expert consultation so that you may understand exactly what and why your emotions are the way they are. Knowing the reason of any problem is half the solution to solving it. Pardon the cliché , but there’ s enough truth in it to justify its use.

Reply to Frosty!
Posted by: Wildboy | 2009-05-04

My Anger Management Instructor Pisses me off!

Reply to Wildboy
Posted by: Baas Koos | 2009-05-04

1stly, a man that hits a woman is not a man....

what encourages you to do this.....

glad i am not your neighbour as your bf would have been in hospital already! he must be a man' s man! tell him i say congrats!!

Reply to Baas Koos
Posted by: Peace | 2009-05-04

Perhaps you need more than anger management counselling - this may be the symptom of something deeper.

Reply to Peace
Posted by: Anon | 2009-05-04

What is everyone so angry about?

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Richard | 2009-05-04

This sound pretty much past redemption to me. Maybe you should just give it up as a bad job while you still have any furniture left.

Reply to Richard
Posted by: Petra | 2009-05-04

Good heavens - imagine having this lot as neighbours. Hell can indeed be on earth. You find that anger management course, girlfriend - maybe they give a group discount.

Reply to Petra

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