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Posted by: anon | 2010/08/16

and another post

so. here goes. i can''t go to a cousellor just yet. that would be admitting i am crazy and i am just not ready to hear that right now. relating to my last post on my extreme disappointment over finding out my childs gender. i have spent the last few days researching for answers and it appears gender disappointment is rather common especially for mothers who have only sons and are desperate for a girl. i have come to the conclusion that my feelings boil down to pink dresses, decor and all things girly. things i relate to and love. and the fact that my mother in law who i just do not get on with, and it is not one of those normal situations, she really is a strange and selfish women, well, she told me that i will only have boys. which i was crushed to hear because yes, i am a crazy, and i do believe in jinx''s to a certain extent. so i am really mourning the desire to fill my house with all things girly, shop for dresses and have a little doll. that is crazy right. my mother and i never had that mother daughter relationship i so badly wish to have with my daughter which i will never have. i want to make right what was wrong with me growing up. perhaps the man upstairs knew i could just not do it as i only focussed on the materialistic aspects of raising a girl. what i basically want to know and have not been able to get information on is. does this desire for the materialistic association with having a girl ever go away? will i be crazy forever or will i just learn to accept the blessings i have. what i want for my sons is to give them a secure emotional upbringing which i never had. i want them to be men who are happy with themselves and happy with their lives. i want them to be confident in their relationships. i want them to know what they want out of life and take it. i want so many important things for them and yet i am worried about pink ribbons and bows and shopping and decorating. i guess i am just wanting you to tell me my pain and longing will soon be a thing of the past and that i will soon be able to just focus on the real things. the reason we are suppose to have children. they are not our dolls, they are people who we have a chance to impact positively on and love unconditionally knowing that one day we will have to let go and let them experience all the joys of life. in my head it makes sense. i think. but why does my heart still ache.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Counsellor's dont see people who are crazy, and sometimes it's the crazier people who are convinced they don't need the help a counselor could provide. I am entirely sure you are not crazy at all. Sounds like a nasty MIL is spooking you out rather meanly. Retaliaite by not allowing her to upset you.
It sounds as though part of your desperation to have a girl is to prove her wrong ? But of course, she is totally wrong whayever brand of child you have.
If you really like pink dresses, etc., congratulations, so did my late mother, a most marvellous person - but she never felt diminished because she didn't have a daughter to also wear pink dresses, or because her son wasn't fond of pink shirts.

And apart from the nasty MIL< your mother didn't have the right sort of mother-daughter relationship with you - so you want to have aa daughter so you can prove that unlike your mom, YOU can do it right. But what was and is most important is the loving relationship with any child, and that's apparently something you are doing fine with your son. You don't need a daughter to show that you're a good mother.
Whatever may have been wrong with the way you are brought up, can be fixed within you - it is not something to |fix" in one's child. Who knows whether to some extent your mother's poor mothering was a reaction to how SHE in turn had been brought up as a child - maybe her style of mothering, that overlooked your own special needs, were more aimed to deal with her own needs.
Your current anguish CAN indeed be a thing of the past. Time may well solve the issues, but it would be achieved much sooner and more efficiently, and leaving more time for you and your sons to enjoy each other, with the aid of a counsellor / psychotherapist.
Your heart aches now, not because this is inevitable, but because you are a bit stubbornly holding to a prescription you wrote for yourself years ago, which isn't solving your problems but creating them, and needs to be revised with expert input


The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2010/08/16

to unique
i only just read your response and i am sorry that you had to go through all that. favoritism between children is an awful thing. i know what i have to do. i do have to get on with it. i need to grow up because what i am longing for is a childhood dream. a fantasy which i have always felt so strongly about.

Reply to anon
Posted by: Unique | 2010/08/16

Did you get a chance to read my response to your earlier post. I wrote it this morning?

Reply to Unique
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/16

Counsellor's dont see people who are crazy, and sometimes it's the crazier people who are convinced they don't need the help a counselor could provide. I am entirely sure you are not crazy at all. Sounds like a nasty MIL is spooking you out rather meanly. Retaliaite by not allowing her to upset you.
It sounds as though part of your desperation to have a girl is to prove her wrong ? But of course, she is totally wrong whayever brand of child you have.
If you really like pink dresses, etc., congratulations, so did my late mother, a most marvellous person - but she never felt diminished because she didn't have a daughter to also wear pink dresses, or because her son wasn't fond of pink shirts.

And apart from the nasty MIL< your mother didn't have the right sort of mother-daughter relationship with you - so you want to have aa daughter so you can prove that unlike your mom, YOU can do it right. But what was and is most important is the loving relationship with any child, and that's apparently something you are doing fine with your son. You don't need a daughter to show that you're a good mother.
Whatever may have been wrong with the way you are brought up, can be fixed within you - it is not something to |fix" in one's child. Who knows whether to some extent your mother's poor mothering was a reaction to how SHE in turn had been brought up as a child - maybe her style of mothering, that overlooked your own special needs, were more aimed to deal with her own needs.
Your current anguish CAN indeed be a thing of the past. Time may well solve the issues, but it would be achieved much sooner and more efficiently, and leaving more time for you and your sons to enjoy each other, with the aid of a counsellor / psychotherapist.
Your heart aches now, not because this is inevitable, but because you are a bit stubbornly holding to a prescription you wrote for yourself years ago, which isn't solving your problems but creating them, and needs to be revised with expert input


Reply to cybershrink

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