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Question
Posted by: Paula | 2011/01/08

An affair going wrong

Before I explain all that is happening. Other people commenting on my post please dont tell me how i am doing wrong and that i should not be cheating on my husband there are many underlying factors as to why I am doing what I am doing besides the usual seeking escape or sex.
The story is this. I am married and having an affair with a man that has a long time girlfriend. He has not had sex with her in many many months and doesnt bother to anymore. My dilemma is that I have fallen for him and he knows I like him I have put all that in an email to him telling him this and telling him that I think he feels for me too and that if I am wrong he needs to tell me, to which I have not received a response.
At the onset of the affair the rules were that it can last as long as no one gets hurt, we both know that if the affair comes out in the open that people will get hurt that is inevitable, but my question is. Seeing that he knows how I feel about him and the rules have been broken why does he continue to see me and each time I ask him does he want to stop his answer is no, or does he still want to see me and his answer is yes. I cannot get in this man''s mind. His relationship has had the daggers out for a year. My marriage I have not been in love with my husband for nine years. Why does this man still want me, it does not make any sense. I could use the sex factor or he could just be a real a**hole and not give a flying monkey how I feel or could get hurt, but is that really the reason. I mill this around my head all the time. I have even asked him what if I get too attached his answer was he will let me know. Surely he knows already. What is this man''s angle.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There are no good reasons for cheating or deceiving a spouse on the scale you seem to be describing. This situation is likely to end being unhappy for all involved. You are married and havin an affair with a man who remains devoted to another woman, to whom he is being unfaithful, too. An affair such as you apparently imagined, in which "nobody gets hurt" is exceedingly rare. Usually, this belief is a comforting fantasy, enabling the cheating to take place more comfortably.
How can you be so certain that the affair WON'T come out ?
Now, on your more specific question - why wouldn't he be content to have his cake and eat it, as one might say ? He has a gf, a child he enjoyrs pretending is his, AND a married mistress who is presumably also enjoyable for him. Why would he want to change this situation ?
If you no longer love your husband, either get into marriage counselling to try to sort this out, or see a lawyer and arrange a divorce. Failing to divorce, but claiming some right to be unfaithful, is in a sense expecting your unfortunately unloved husband to pay for or at least part-sponsor your affair. It makes plenty of sense from his point of view.
Its not at all clear what you are expecting or wishing for - what do you want this guy to do, or indeed what do you want your husband to do ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Phil | 2011/01/09

You know what Paula, you are quite arrogant to ask anyone not to give you a mouth full. And then expect to ask for advice.

You know what, what is happening is called karma. What you do to others, even if you are forgiven has a price - THAT KARMA will collect at some point or another.

GOD never said that any reason was good enough when you made your vows and promises to cheat? Did you bargain that deal before you made promises to GOD when you got married?

Sorry, but this might only be the begining. You should divorce if you want have another relationship. Right now you are deceiptfull, and are in the same ranks as thieves and criminals. You bassically lied in front of everyone and to GOD when you made your vows, and now there seems to be nothing wrong with it cos you say you have valid reasons? Good luck lady, there is no escaping karma....
Maybe try and make an " agenda"  to fix your morals.
And yes, I am no angel but have learned and definately working on mine.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/09

There are no good reasons for cheating or deceiving a spouse on the scale you seem to be describing. This situation is likely to end being unhappy for all involved. You are married and havin an affair with a man who remains devoted to another woman, to whom he is being unfaithful, too. An affair such as you apparently imagined, in which "nobody gets hurt" is exceedingly rare. Usually, this belief is a comforting fantasy, enabling the cheating to take place more comfortably.
How can you be so certain that the affair WON'T come out ?
Now, on your more specific question - why wouldn't he be content to have his cake and eat it, as one might say ? He has a gf, a child he enjoyrs pretending is his, AND a married mistress who is presumably also enjoyable for him. Why would he want to change this situation ?
If you no longer love your husband, either get into marriage counselling to try to sort this out, or see a lawyer and arrange a divorce. Failing to divorce, but claiming some right to be unfaithful, is in a sense expecting your unfortunately unloved husband to pay for or at least part-sponsor your affair. It makes plenty of sense from his point of view.
Its not at all clear what you are expecting or wishing for - what do you want this guy to do, or indeed what do you want your husband to do ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Paula | 2011/01/08

I can imagine I will get those posts but ultimately they will make up my mind as to what I need to do or prepare myself for. I never though it would be easy as this was not my initial agenda but I think his original agenda is not the same as it was in the beginning either

Reply to Paula
Posted by: IMO | 2011/01/08

Mark my words this is going to end in tears - be prepared for a lot of negative posts.

Reply to IMO
Posted by: Paula | 2011/01/08

Something I need to add. Right in the beginning he used to tell me about his girlfriend and how he feels like a lodger in the house, never running her down but just that he feels like the odd person there. He now only talks about her when I ask questions, like does he still love her and then he will answer that sometimes he does and sometimes he hates her. He does not have any children but he is close to her youngest daughter which he treats as his own. I have also said to him does he stay because of that little girl and to which he answered he does not know. In the beginning he asked me if my husband and I still have sex to which i answered yes but very seldom he never commented on that. I know he has been having problems in his relationship for a year from a mutual friend, this mutual friend however does not know about our affair.
In the beginning I would receive a text every 1 or 2 days but now I am finding the only time i hear from him is if I contact him in the morning by phone or if i text him a morning text to which generally he replies but lately i have just been calling him to hear his voice. I have asked him to keep in more contact with me and doesnt he think there should be more correspondence (as this is new to both of us and we have not had affairs) to which he didnt disagree. He is very busy at work and has a full day at the college he works very little time to himself and i think that i am very much probably the last thing on his mind when he is in work mode. He is also very dedicated to a voluntary service he does for the govt which is absolutely enjoys. Thought I would give you a little bit more of a rundown so YOU cybershrink could give me an overview of what your opinion is in the scenario. Please help me understand him

Reply to Paula

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