Posted by: Anon | 2009-07-16

Am the friend or the child

My father passed away 3 years ago and ever since my mother has been struggling with her grief. It has never been diagnosed as depression but she has a lot of bad days.
I have also been through a personal tragedy of my own and often feel that I can not talk to her for fear of making her sad (if she' s having a good day) or for fear of making her feel worse (if it' s a bad day). I basically feel as though I lost a mother too because it isn' t the same anymore - I do not really talk about my problems and just give her a shoulder to cry on.

She now has a male friend who is just a friend for now.
I' m glad that she has someone to talk to but feel that her conversations with me on the topic make me feel uneasy some of the time. She assures me that they are only friends, but then adds a little stab into the conversation - to see my reaction. It' s usually along the lines that she' ll do what she wants with him because she' s old enough. I' ve told her that I' ll be so happy for her if she meets someone, but she continually tries to test that. It makes me feel as though she doesn' t believe or trust me and that makes me sad.
I feel as though I' m taking on the friend role more than the daughter role.
I can' t talk to her about this as she' ll be hurt.
It makes me uncomfortable because she' s still my mother.

I just miss being the child sometimes. I went from having 2 wonderful people to talk to about me fears, to having none.

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Our expert says:
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There may be grief as distinct from depression, or a mixture of both. Its unfortunate if you ( maybe she does, too ) feel unable to discuss your own griefs and problems with her for fear of making her feel bad. At some stages in life, though you may feel you want her to me more of a mom than a friend, a woman may feel she wants more of a friend than a daughter. Have you discused with her your fear, quite probably excesive, that talking to her about any of your concerns will hurt her ? She may be sronger than you think

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