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Question
Posted by: Mammie | 2011/12/20

am i wrong

Hi Doc,

Please help, im going crazy and i cant sleep at nite..

I have a 2yr old out of wedlock, the baby daddy and i broke up last year. He saw his dota once this year. Ive been refusing for him to see his daughter reason being that he doesnt pay anything and in turn hes saying he cant pay a cent if im refusing him access to his daughter. Ive never really approched the maintenance court as i thought i will manage financially but the expenses are now pilling up as shes going to creche. I have sent him an sms asking him if he will assist me but he went on about how i just use him as an ATM.

How should i handle this? Am i being unfair to refuse him access? i dont mean to spite him but again i feel its wrong for him to act like a resposible dad only when it suits him.

Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

DO go to the maintenance court, and have a fair amount set by the court, for the sake of your child. You are both wrong in linking maintenance and access to the child. You are not legally entitled to refuse him access to the child, even if he paid no maintenance, nor is he entitled to refuse to pay maintenance ( once its set by a court, especially ) just because he isn't getting access. They are 2 different things and should not be linked.
What matters most is what is best for the child, and it is better for her to see and develop a relationship with her father, than to be kept from him because her mother wants to be spiteful towards that dad.
GO to maintenance court, which can set down fair amounts for him to pay as maintenance, and can also order an agreed amount of access for him, which pushes him towards being responsible, and not only now and then.
Its sad if he hurt your feelings, but that is separate from what would be best for the child. NBever use a child as a weapon.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Honestly Saying | 2011/12/21

Yes you are wrong!

Furthermore, I find it hard to belive that as a caring parent, you would hurt your child so much by denying him/ner the right to get to know her father. You say he has hurt you badly, yet you are willing to hurt your child just as much, if not more? What right to you have to deny the baby the right to get to know it''s father?

He is perfectly right to feel you are using him as an ATM. You denied him and your child the privilage of getting to know one another, as you "  thought i will manage financially "  but now that you need money and things are getting tight - suddenly he''s OK to cll on for money?

Both of you need to grow up and put your child first?

Reply to Honestly Saying
Posted by: Phil | 2011/12/21

Firstly  the child is not your bargaining tool. Secondly teh father has as much right to the child as you do  you don''t ahve any rightto refuse the father access.

Thirdly  grow up.Leave the child out of the grown up issues. Go to court to sort out the maintenance issue. But don''t let teh child pay for your mistakes  the child has the right to have both parents in his/her life.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Bron | 2011/12/21

Take him to court - this is not about you or him - its about the kid. She needs all the basics, creche, food clothes etc. These bils will only increase as she gets older. You have an obligation to give her the best whether he wants to or not is no longer his choice or yours, but her right. Any boy can make a baby, but it takes a man to be a father!

Reply to Bron
Posted by: Motlalentwa | 2011/12/21

Please swallow your pride and go to maintenance court so that he can assist you in the upbringing of his own child.He is legally bound to raise his child and you are right to deny him access to the child untill he is responsible enough to make contributions. We guys tend to emerge when the child is already grown up and brag about being the father.

Reply to Motlalentwa
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/12/21

DO go to the maintenance court, and have a fair amount set by the court, for the sake of your child. You are both wrong in linking maintenance and access to the child. You are not legally entitled to refuse him access to the child, even if he paid no maintenance, nor is he entitled to refuse to pay maintenance ( once its set by a court, especially ) just because he isn't getting access. They are 2 different things and should not be linked.
What matters most is what is best for the child, and it is better for her to see and develop a relationship with her father, than to be kept from him because her mother wants to be spiteful towards that dad.
GO to maintenance court, which can set down fair amounts for him to pay as maintenance, and can also order an agreed amount of access for him, which pushes him towards being responsible, and not only now and then.
Its sad if he hurt your feelings, but that is separate from what would be best for the child. NBever use a child as a weapon.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Mammie | 2011/12/20

You can call me immature,the thing is he hurt me so bad . my daughter gave me reason to live, en allowing him near to my daughter is jst hard

Reply to Mammie
Posted by: ? | 2011/12/20

You are both immature this is not about money or access but what is best for the child.
do u not have an adult who can mediate and make you communicate like real parents?

Reply to ?

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