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Question
Posted by: Dina | 2010-06-03

Am I unreasonable or Oddly Anit-social???

I am fed up with my fiance''s family and freind using his house as a hotel. (They will call a day or two to say: " Oh, we are coming to Joburg, and need a place to stay" )

So far this year, we have had different people stay with us on 6 different occasions.
It is his home, and he is a push-over.

Whenever we have a tiff about all the visitors, he asks me " What can I say?" 

Am I normal being irritated with all these people or am I being selfish?

I am afraid that this may become an issue in our relationship as we plan to get married next year - I am petrified that I am going to marry a push-over and eventually resent him for it.

Please advise...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Obviously, what he can say is No, even if politely. These other folks don't have a RIGHT to ASSUME they can always drop in when it suits them. Be warned, this is probably the shape of things to come if you proceed towards marriage, unless you can resolve this between you.
Are there other areas and examples where he behaves like a pushover ? Discuss it together, and consider couples counselling, to find a better resolution.
And to return to your question : "Am I unreasonable or Oddly Anit-social??? " the answer is no. No more than I am !

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Purple | 2010-06-03

IF you are having these doubts and concerns before you are married, it''s a good idea to talk to him about them. When he says " what can I do" , point out that he can gently say to people, we''ve had lots of visitors lately and need some time at home alone, or that weekend isn''t convenient for us.

I love having family and friends to stay and would let people visit us for 3 weeks at a time if they wished to. I talk a lot, love chatting to others and although I have a set pattern of supper, bath, story, bed and so on for my son, I''m still fairly flexible. My friends and family all help out with cleaning and food costs and so on and those that don''t I say no to when they ask. My husband hates a stream of visitors, so there are times I have to say no to people, I just explain that its not convenient then.

Perhaps your fiance isn''t a pushover, just enjoys the company? Ask him.

If you find this irritating now though, in ten years time it is going to annoy you to the point where you could scream.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-06-03

Obviously, what he can say is No, even if politely. These other folks don't have a RIGHT to ASSUME they can always drop in when it suits them. Be warned, this is probably the shape of things to come if you proceed towards marriage, unless you can resolve this between you.
Are there other areas and examples where he behaves like a pushover ? Discuss it together, and consider couples counselling, to find a better resolution.
And to return to your question : "Am I unreasonable or Oddly Anit-social??? " the answer is no. No more than I am !

Reply to cybershrink

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