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Question
Posted by: Helene | 2011-11-01

Am I unreasonable

I''m living with an eldery adult female who seems to have no concept of finances. I support her. Won''t go into why or how. I just have to.
She knows I am battling (my salary is for one not two).
She does not work.
She said the other day that there is no money for anything i.e. she wants to have a brow lash and tint.
I take her shopping with me to show her the prices.
I involve her in things.
I cut up the meat I buy i.e. we share a chicken breast.
I asked her to please be aware of portion sizes and how long food can last. She is not hungry and is well taken care of.
Yesterday I come home from work and she has eaten 3/4 of a tart and half a bottle of maas. A whole loaft of bread disappears. She spoons jam out in tablespoons and not teaspoons. Huge bowls of porridge with the milk and sugar to match. I lost it and said you eat for 2. So one of us must stop eating. Her slice of tart can feed 2 people. She used to have a rich husband and that is probably why she thinks I am made of money. She must have 2 glasses of wine not 1. I told her that I am resenting it majorally, that there is never money for me to do or buy the things that I want either. She is well taken off, I pay for absolutely everything from her medication to her clothing. Yes I am younger. No I cannot afford to put her in an old age home. No there is no-one to help. When I watch her she says I am " counting her food" . I said yes I am because I am so streched financially I have eczema on my face and the GP said it is stress. None of the bills are paid this month. No she cannot work.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If she wants something as ridiculous and useless and frivolous, at ANY age, as a brow lash and tint or whatever that is, then she is foolish. Is she perhaps senile or developing senility ?
Maybe she formed bad habits of wastefulness when married to the rich man, but it doesn't need much intelligence for her to understand her position has CHANGED.
Get a lock on the fridge and the food cupboards, and explain that you can't afford to cater for her greed, and can't trust her to not waste the food you can ill afford to buy. Leave out JUSt enough for her midday meal while you are at work, and tell her that as she abuses your hospitality selfishly, you cant afford to trust her.
When she complains that you are "counting her food", say "You bet ! I have to do so. But its MY food I'm counting, not yours, as you don't but any of it. "
Its mysterious what hold she has on you, as you refuse to discuss this aspect of the problem, but one can't help wondering why you feel you absolutely HAVE to totally support her. If she is dementing, for instance, or becomes physially ill, it will be impossible for you to provide the care she may need, and she may need to go into some state facility, and it may be worthwhile to start looking for such a place, as they're hard to find. Does she have any pension, or otherwise make any actual contribution ?
You are not in the least unreasonable to be bothered about this. Yes indeed, lety her feed herself on her pension ( especially as you are apparently providing her with housing, electrivity, and so on, free of charge. What else does she otherwise spend it on ? It may be useful for her to learn that if she eats everything today then yes, tomorow she will be hungry.
I understand why you feel as though you are being punished, but the pubnishment comes not from God, but from a selfish and greedy old woman, and from your own fixed belief that you MUST look after her.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Helene | 2011-11-01

Yes she gets the state pension.
I am so sick and tired of the whole thing I am going to get a locked fridge in my bedroom. She can now feed herself on her monthly allowance and when it is finished she can go hungry.
She washes a few dishes in the day and tells me she is abused and a handy maid. I drive very far to work and back each day and have a demanding job. she sweeps out the lounge and kitchen when I asked her not to and then sits there complaining about her back. Has her own car which I run and maintain but will sit inside all day saying she is a prisoner. I wish she would get lost quite frankly or that someone would come and fetch her and let her live with them and then she can do what she does in my home to them. I must have been an evil baby since God punishes me by having to take care of this selish woman.

Reply to Helene
Posted by: Maria | 2011-11-01

I don''t think you are unreasonable. If there is no way of changing the circumstances then I suggest you leave out enough food for her for the day when you go to work, and lock the food cupboards. Does she get a pension?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-11-01

If she wants something as ridiculous and useless and frivolous, at ANY age, as a brow lash and tint or whatever that is, then she is foolish. Is she perhaps senile or developing senility ?
Maybe she formed bad habits of wastefulness when married to the rich man, but it doesn't need much intelligence for her to understand her position has CHANGED.
Get a lock on the fridge and the food cupboards, and explain that you can't afford to cater for her greed, and can't trust her to not waste the food you can ill afford to buy. Leave out JUSt enough for her midday meal while you are at work, and tell her that as she abuses your hospitality selfishly, you cant afford to trust her.
When she complains that you are "counting her food", say "You bet ! I have to do so. But its MY food I'm counting, not yours, as you don't but any of it. "
Its mysterious what hold she has on you, as you refuse to discuss this aspect of the problem, but one can't help wondering why you feel you absolutely HAVE to totally support her. If she is dementing, for instance, or becomes physially ill, it will be impossible for you to provide the care she may need, and she may need to go into some state facility, and it may be worthwhile to start looking for such a place, as they're hard to find. Does she have any pension, or otherwise make any actual contribution ?
You are not in the least unreasonable to be bothered about this. Yes indeed, lety her feed herself on her pension ( especially as you are apparently providing her with housing, electrivity, and so on, free of charge. What else does she otherwise spend it on ? It may be useful for her to learn that if she eats everything today then yes, tomorow she will be hungry.
I understand why you feel as though you are being punished, but the pubnishment comes not from God, but from a selfish and greedy old woman, and from your own fixed belief that you MUST look after her.

Reply to cybershrink

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