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Question
Posted by: Sad | 2011/07/21

Am I too hard on my husband?

Hi CS

So I''m a recovering alcoholic - 18 months sober (in 2 days time). My husband knows my history. He also knows how I feel about alcohol - my Mom has problems with alcohol too. I can''t stand to see it detroy people I love.

My husband drinks but he doesn''t drink responsibly and it kills me! I the last year, he''s broken both his wrists (at the same time) from drinking. He''s vomitted countless times in my car and in the house (even on the walls). He''s had me drive him in a place foreign to me that was unsafe at 4am when I didn''t know where I was only to find that he ended up passing out and I had no one to direct me home. He sleeps out and tells me he''s responsible because he didn''t drive (only to find out the one night he slept out he actually drove to a night club, drunk).

The last straw was when I asked him to promise me not to drive drunk and that I would pick him up. So he drinks the entire day and night and drives home drunk at about 5am!! I told him I don''t trust him anymore and that I need to know my husband is going to be around. We''re looking at buying a house but I told him I don''t want to spend nights there alone! We''re thinking about having kids but if he keeps promising me that he can handle his alcohol and he clearly can''t, I don''t know what to think about our future! I know I''m one to talk!!!

He refuses to get help and refuses to admit he has a drinking problem! Please help!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Firstly, congratulations on working effectively to control your own alcoholism. Unfortunately it does sound as though your husband is also alcoholic / a problem drinker, and in denial, so ignoring the extent of the problems he has and causes, in this regard.
You know from your own experience the difficulties of persuading an alcoholic that they have a mnajor problem which is causing major problems for others - he shouldn'y need to be out drinking at night, or visiting clubs, if he is well and doing his duty to his wife and family. Do NOT have children with a man so out of control and so unwilling to face facts.
As with all alcoholics one can only encourage them to recognize how grossly their life has become distorted and centered on drinking, and wait until they are ready to acept this fact, and the fact that they need treatment and must work hard, personally, to get good results. As you know, you can't do this for him.

Sorry for the delay in responding, but my instructions were ignored. This forum was supposed to be CLOSED to all messages throughout Thursday 21st and right through Monday 25th and only to re-open on Tuesday 26th. As my instructions were ignored I am horrified to discover a very large number of questions that should not have been possible to post, which have of course been unanswered while I was away. This makes me very angry and disappointed. I will try to respond as best I can, though very long message cannot possibly achieve full attention.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/26

Firstly, congratulations on working effectively to control your own alcoholism. Unfortunately it does sound as though your husband is also alcoholic / a problem drinker, and in denial, so ignoring the extent of the problems he has and causes, in this regard.
You know from your own experience the difficulties of persuading an alcoholic that they have a mnajor problem which is causing major problems for others - he shouldn'y need to be out drinking at night, or visiting clubs, if he is well and doing his duty to his wife and family. Do NOT have children with a man so out of control and so unwilling to face facts.
As with all alcoholics one can only encourage them to recognize how grossly their life has become distorted and centered on drinking, and wait until they are ready to acept this fact, and the fact that they need treatment and must work hard, personally, to get good results. As you know, you can't do this for him.

Sorry for the delay in responding, but my instructions were ignored. This forum was supposed to be CLOSED to all messages throughout Thursday 21st and right through Monday 25th and only to re-open on Tuesday 26th. As my instructions were ignored I am horrified to discover a very large number of questions that should not have been possible to post, which have of course been unanswered while I was away. This makes me very angry and disappointed. I will try to respond as best I can, though very long message cannot possibly achieve full attention.

Reply to cybershrink

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