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Question
Posted by: almost mad | 2008/07/17

am i selfish?

Okay,so i normally prefer to keep my anger, my sadness, my hurt and my feelings to my self. Because i dont want to hurt anyones feelingsby making them feel bad even though they did something wrong to me. The other day i completely lost it with my mum. I asked her a couple of week ago why i am always expected to let everyone else have there way and understand. She said because they know that its because i always understand. So does that mean that i should be overlooked??? Okay...and a month ago my sister told me she cant afford to have me stay at her house, even though i know she makes a lot of money. I had wanted to relocate and better my life by finding a better paying job. (i relocated with my boyfriend and now stay on my own,and found a good job within 2weeks)I was extremely hurt by my sister. We grew up with very little, and i never thought money would change a person like that. I have good life with my boyfriend and puppy, and a very nice aprtment. So i am not bitter, neither have i everbeen. I dont want her to be a part of my life, but for the sake of my family not falling apart i went to visit her when i relocated. My mum came visit joburg for a month because my sister is pregnant. I saw my mum when i fetched her at the airport, and then again when i went to see the baby when he was born. Im angry and hurt that my mum hast spent any ime with me. When i fetched my mum at the airport my sister insisted she come stay at her house and there was sulking and stuff about it so i dropped my mum at her house the next day. I was not working at the time and i wanted my mum to stay with me a bit untill i started my new job in a few days. Now she just had a baby and i got invited to the babynaming 30minutes before the ceremony. I was so hurt. I felt like i wasnt a part of the family. I guess they thought that i would understand. So when my mum called i blew up. Im hurt, confused and i cant understand why i get overlooked and am expected to understand why. Then there is my boyfrind who bought his mum a R1000 watch, even though he had told me for months that he cant afford to buy me an ngagement ring. (i dont expect something expensive). He has already asked meto marry him. SO the day i lost it with my mum it all came spilling out and i feel aweful. I feelbad for letting my feelings be made knowntomy mum and my boyfriend. So you tell me..am i selfish????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Truly selfish people never ask that question.
I know how this happens --- you're expected to always understand and to be the last person they think of ; and so, because you're always asumed to be "understanding", the legend continues. Odd, isn't it, how families tend to vote people into certain roles ? One is the Strong one who handles everyone else's crises ; one is the designated victim we're supposed to fel sorry for, and so on. Now don't feel bad for having been eventually goaded into expressing your feelings to your mom rather than always suppressing these. She needed to know, and to think about it. Maybe even go so far as to see a counsellor ( or at least get some self-help books ) about being assertive, and ecognize the difference between Assertive ( Good Thing ) and Aggressive ( Bad Thing ).

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: almost mad | 2008/07/17

Thanks guys. I will look at the book. CS, u are so right about families. My sister is the one who everyone is meant to always feel sorry for. So nomatter what she does, everyone always says oh shame and you know how she is so just forget about it. But its not so easy when you at the receiving end of the hurt. Sometimes i feel that when we have disagreements and the family hears about it, that they already choose what side they on before they even hear what i have to say. Even when they hear what happened from my side they still tell me to just let it go and im being oversensitive. I know im not being over sensitive, and i guess thats why i just try and keep my pain to my self.

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: Rosey | 2008/07/17

You are not selfish. Maybe you' re being too accomodating of other people' s crap and just need to learn how to tell them what' s acceptable and what' s not (with grace and love). There' s a book called ' Stand up for your life'  by life coach Cheryl Richardson. If ur serious about having your needs respected, this book will tell you how to be assertive yet gentle with those you love.

And your boyfriend is a putz. Kick him in the ass.

Reply to Rosey

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