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Question
Posted by: Not so evil | 2008/07/03

Am I really this mean?

Hi Doc,

I've been involved in a relationship for several months and of recent my girlfriend and myself have been having a lot of fights. One of the reasons is that she claims that I do not put her first in my life and that she is not a priority. This stems from the fact that I do not include her in whatever decesions I make or that I apparently put her second. An example of this is when I found out I got a job I really wanted. After receiving the call I was so excited tha I told the first person in sight (my mother) and afterwards I called my girlfriend to tell her the good news. Because of this she says that she should have been the first to know and that I put her second. Another example is when I bought a car and when I took it home, so that my dad could take a look at it for any mechanical faults, before I actually bought it she said that I should have picked her up so that she could have been the first to see the car. Do these cases really prove that I put her second or not make her a priority or is she just being difficult? She now says that she wants time apart so that i can learn my lesson and make her a priority and put her first. Am I doing anything wrong?

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Our expert says:
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SOunds like a largely false issue --- to tell your mom who is at hand and then call the gf should please any good friend, who should be pleased, anyhow, that you got a good job. It sounds as though her concern is indeed exagerated, and as though she is a VERY high maintenance woman who may be hard to ever satisfy. Her responses to the two events you quote are highly unreasonable. Its not about placing her second, but about her being potentially insatiable. And to expect you to "learn a leson" is cheeky. Let her have all the time apart she wants, and rather concentrate on whether you need the endless bickering this pattern of behaviour suggests will
be your future with her. I agree with Maria's diagnosis --- imature, selfish, unappreciative, and self-centred.
Do NOT expect a long happy relationship with her unless and untill she goes for fairly prolonged counselling / therapy to sort out her neuroses. She should not expect constant reassurance and grooming and compliments. Leave her to grow up, until she is ready for a real relationship with someone else

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Our users say:
Posted by: sadi | 2008/07/03

Tell your girlfriend to get over herself. Relationships work both ways. And please before you even think of getting married get these kinds of issues out the way. My husband and I went for councelling BEFORE we got married. I put all my issues, baggage and things that happened to me in my past on the table and so did he, we were brutally honest with each other and our councellor. I screamed, cried, laughed (hubby laughed more than I did) because somehow men deal with issues and forget about them and move on. Women on the other hand have to always drag baggage and issues of our past into relationships and especially marriage.
Why? God only knows!! We both said before the councelling if after these sessions we feel we could not move forward together and FORGET about our past and begin a future together then we would not get married. We promised each other never to bring our pasts (mine was not so good) up in our marriage or in our arguments. This year we will be married for 25 years and still going strong.
JUST A BIT OF ADVISE, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT!!

Reply to sadi
Posted by: Gracie | 2008/07/03

Your gf needs to grow up! So what if you tell someone else something before you tell her. Sounds like she has some serious issues! If she wants to "punish" you by wanting to teach you a lesson and all that crap, then so be it. Show her that there are other girls out there more deserving of your love and affection. For goodness sake surely she is an adult and should behave like one - this is teenage schoolgirl behaviour and she should then be treated like a child! I wish some people would grow up before getting involved in relationships. If I had to seperate from my husband every time he told others something before me, we would be permanently split up and it's hardly something to get cheesed off about!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: That's me | 2008/07/03

Hi bror,
I understand your girlfriends point, I think im also going through the same phase, I may also agree with Maria, it sounds like insecurities. All I know is I love this man too much sometimes i feel so scared, i wonder if he loves me like i do I mean loving soo much that u even forget the other people in the world exist.
As for seperating she's just trying to run away from being hurt because she thinks u dont love her the way she loves u and u are going to hurt her.
Oh my gosh I feel the same. No wonder I love my byfrnd, in this case he calms me down and give me the reassurance.

Just assure her she is the best thing....
Gud Luck

Reply to That's me
Posted by: bugs | 2008/07/03

how old is your girlfriend??
i am 20 years old an at times i do fight with my boyfriend over pity things but dont mean i love him any less!
i sometimes feel that im neglected because i love him so much and miss him terribly when he is not around so i fight to get extra attention. i know it sounds crazy but many girls do it.
just give her alot of attention and show her that you love her all the time. going out with your mates would make her more aggressive towards you just reassure her.

good luck!!

Reply to bugs
Posted by: Maria | 2008/07/03

In that case NSE, I think she just does not appreciate you.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Not so evil | 2008/07/03

To Maria,

I always chose doing stuff with her over anything else. I'm always there when she needs me to do anything and I will do anything for her and she knows that

Reply to Not so evil
Posted by: Maria | 2008/07/03

Having said that, how do you treat her otherwise? Do you rather go out for a beer with your mates than going to see a movie with her? Do you ever promise her something and then not deliver? Maybe you and she should read "5 Love Languages", it might give you insight into how you can best meet each other's needs.

Good luck

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2008/07/03

I think you're girlfriend sounds insecure, immature and overly possessive.

Reply to Maria

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