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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2011/09/05

Am i overeating

I feel totally confused  I just started a relationship with this guy. He lost his job a while ago and currently unemployed, at the beginning he showed real interest in me and shared to an extend how he feels about me. I have not been lucky in love, I am a successful, independent with a good job. I can say my basic needs are covered, what I lack (or been lacking) is just someone who sincerely cares about who I am and was hoping this guy would be, he is stressed about not working, but no matter how much I have tried to support him, trying to help him get a job, financially, emotionally with his problems, he’ s just so bitter and angry at all times (yes I understand his frustration), but if I spend 10% of the time with him 9% percent of it is how unfair life is, how people use others and all the ‘ if I could have, things would be..etc) and pay less attention to our “ relationship”  or how I feel. I work two jobs and during one of our general discussion I happen to unconsciously mention something that happened at my 2nd job and got angry once again at how unfair things are that others have two jobs and others have nothing, what’ s worse I don’ t know if I can trust him anymore, he visited me last weekend and sometime during our conversation he asked and commented on some of the things only I know but he was generalising them, but remember I wrote the stuff in my diary which led me to thinking maybe he went through my things in my absence (unless he is psychic which I doubt). The bottom line is I tried not to be picky when it comes to relationships, but I also don’ t want to settle. I am struggling to convince myself that this relationship is worth pursuing. I have my own problems but I am a person who believes if you can’ t do something about it don’ t dwell in it, if you can do something, then do something. Á m I overeating?
Sorry for the long letter

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As you're probably the only person who consistently watches you eat, it's a little odd for you to ask me whether you are over-eating. But actually nothing in your message seems to be about actually eating !
Sounds like your friend is trapped in an unhelpful pattern of automatic negative thinking, which even if understandable if he's had a raw deal, isn't at all helpful to him getting a job and a satisfying relationship.
As you know, in relationships its helpful not to be TOO picky, but its important to be picky enough. Its fair for you to objectively assess whether this particular relationship is of value to you, and unnecessary to "struggle" to convince yourself that it is. If struggle is needed, then it isn't.
Are you (perhaps this was your question ) over-reacting ? No. Maybe you're under-reacting ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Ldea | 2011/09/06

If the volunteering issue came up what became of it? Hospitals are always looking for volunteers.

Volunteering always looks great on CVs.

Reply to Ldea
Posted by: To Hannah | 2011/09/06

If l had 2 jobs l most certainly would give one to another needy person!

Reply to To Hannah
Posted by: Confused | 2011/09/06

Hanna, we both 33 and the volunteering issue came up but more in the field that he is qualified in, which is the field of Fire and emergency assist.

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Hannah | 2011/09/06

Confused, you are not selfish if you have two jobs. You do your bit for society. At the end of the day, if the companies thought you were being selfish then they wouldn’ t let you work two jobs and if you didn’ t need the money, you wouldn’ t be working both jobs. I am sure that the majority of the population would even be able to do any one of the jobs, because it sounds like you need some qualifications/ experience to do them, which most of the unemployed people probably don’ t have. Don’ t feel bad, I’ m sure none of people would give up their jobs to the next needy person. Anyway, yeah sometimes they take time, but you don’ t mention your ages- would he not be able to wait on tables or do promotions or something until such a time that the right job comes along? Or, to make himself feel a bit more worthwhile, could he not volunteer at your local SPCA or shelter during the day?

Reply to Hannah
Posted by: Confused | 2011/09/06

Thanks Hanna, i am not sure why he is not getting a job as some of the applications we put through he qualifies for, but hopefully he''ll get something soon. as inconsiderate as some might think i am, i don''t feel bad or guilty at all as i have played my role in the society. I have been involved in fundraising for children''s homes and have committed to a charity that i contribute to a certain amount every year. the rest i don''t have control over... if that is selfish then its ok.

Reply to Confused
Posted by: MDEQ | 2011/09/06

OK - YOU ARE RIGHT-when there are limited resources it is okay to take a large slice of the cake and leave crumbs for others.
I was wrong to ask that others be considered after all this is a me society.
Apologies to all - what was l thinking................

Reply to MDEQ
Posted by: Hannah | 2011/09/06

Please ignore the people who go on about your having two jobs- if you need the money then by all means keep the two jobs. Your post wasn’ t about making you feel bad because people are jobless out there- it’ s not your responsibility to create jobs. To get to your actual post- if your boyfriend goes on about how his life unfair, tell him that there are children and babies suffering from terminal diseases- THAT’ S unfair. Tell him there are parents who have lost their kids in car accidents, hijackings, etc.- THAT’ S unfair. Tell him there are good people that do good things that are being killed (such as that pastor)- THAT is unfair. He should be grateful about the things that he has, not bitter about the things that he doesn’ t have. At the end of the day, he has a roof over his head, a girlfriend that can support him until he finds a job (and there ARE jobs out there- beggars can’ t be choosers and he need to find something even if it’ s not what he wants), he has his health and he is educated- there are literally MILLIONS of people out there that are starving to death, freezing to death, dying of illness and disease and are REALLY suffering. You need to put it in perspective for him. But what is the actual reason he can’ t get a job (I know lots of people, myself included that were able to get new jobs this year)?

Reply to Hannah
Posted by: Moral Dilemma - Ehical Question | 2011/09/05

Yes you can do something about ONE persons unemployment by giving up your second job to them...........
Even your BF says how unfair it is for a person to have 2 jobs when others cannot get employment. You state that you would give up your job to him if he was qualified!,,,why not give it up to another person??????? Imagine if someone else , in your BF field, with 2 jobs gave their second job to him!
l would seriously like you to give thought to this moral dilemma and ask yourself what is the right ethical thing to do?????????

Reply to Moral Dilemma - Ehical Question
Posted by: Confused | 2011/09/05

Ldea - i understand you now

???? - NO its not selfish, i needed extra cash and instead of asking i looked for an extra job, i cannot do anything about the unemployment in the country and he is the one who does not give me attention.(if i can give him my second job i will but he is not qualified for that particular job)

Dieter &  Trim - Overeating was just a spelling error, i don''t have weight problem, never had. my subject was supposed to be Ä m i over-reacting

Checking out with a quote by Les Brown, Thank you all for your responses and advices.

“ If you view all the things that happen to you, both good and bad as opportunities, then you operate out of a higher level of consciousness” 

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Trim | 2011/09/05

Wieghless worked for me, but l was not over eating to compensate for a bad relationship.

Reply to Trim
Posted by: Dieter | 2011/09/05

Just dump him. l eat when l am unhappy. lf you get red of him l think you will stop overeating and loose weight.

Reply to Dieter
Posted by: ??????? | 2011/09/05

Is it not selfish in these recessionary times to have 2 jobs when there is so much unemployment?

Whilst l commend your time management skills would it not be better to let someone else have a job and use the time given to the second job to find a job for your man? He complains he needs you to give more time to the relationship - would giving one of your jobs to someone else not be the right thing to do in so many ways?

Reply to ???????
Posted by: Ldea | 2011/09/05

l was not being funny but deadly serious. You have 2 jobs and deserve a full time houskeeper PA driver. lt would give him self worth and if the relationship resulted in marriage he would make an excellent house husband childminder. There are many stay at home dads these days - a woman can really have it all..........

Reply to Ldea
Posted by: Confused | 2011/09/05


Ldea - very funny..i like the humour

????? - i do the same job for 2 different companies, and he is not qualified to do that job, 2nd Q - its called time management.

Reply to Confused
Posted by: ????? | 2011/09/05

Why not give him your second job and live happily ever after
??????
If you have two jobs do you have time for a relationship??????

Reply to ?????
Posted by: ldea | 2011/09/05

As you have 2 jobs why not pay him for looking after your house,cooking cleaning the car,and yr admin.
As he is already sharing your bed and not being paid it would not be included in the contract and he will not be a kept man.

Make sure he only prepares meals for 2 - you do not want to overeat.

Reply to ldea
Posted by: Confused | 2011/09/05

CS
thank you, my question was weather i was overreacting not overeating, typo. I like the guy and wanted to help if and where i can, just like someone whose had her own raw deal. but i struggle to survive in situations where there is a always negative energy or complaints and tend to pull away.

Anon, your unfounded assumption was not necessary. its not always about being laid, but your opinion...

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Confused | 2011/09/05

CS
thank you, my question was weather i was overreacting not overeating, typo. I like the guy and wanted to help if and where i can, just like someone whose had her own raw deal. but i struggle to survive in situations where there is a always negative energy or complaints and tend to pull away.

Anon, your unfounded assumption was not necessary. its not always about being laid, but your opinion...

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Anon | 2011/09/05

Marta, she is getting laid

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Maria | 2011/09/05

It doesn''t sound as if you are getting anything positive out of this relationship.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/05

As you're probably the only person who consistently watches you eat, it's a little odd for you to ask me whether you are over-eating. But actually nothing in your message seems to be about actually eating !
Sounds like your friend is trapped in an unhelpful pattern of automatic negative thinking, which even if understandable if he's had a raw deal, isn't at all helpful to him getting a job and a satisfying relationship.
As you know, in relationships its helpful not to be TOO picky, but its important to be picky enough. Its fair for you to objectively assess whether this particular relationship is of value to you, and unnecessary to "struggle" to convince yourself that it is. If struggle is needed, then it isn't.
Are you (perhaps this was your question ) over-reacting ? No. Maybe you're under-reacting ?

Reply to cybershrink

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