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Question
Posted by: aliel | 2012/09/03

Am I over - reacting...

dear doc

I have been with this man for almost 8 years. We are engaged for more than 6 years. I am sorry about the very long letter.

I am expecting our 2nd (my 3rd) child. He was very excited about his 1st baby. He is taking very little interest in this baby (pregnancy) even though it was him insisting on having this one. I am 26 week along with the pregnancy. I am very excited as this is a baby girl.

He arranges his political meetings after work. He has a meeting Friday afternoons, Saturdays and Sunday at 10. When he returns from the Friday and Saturday meetings he is usually drunk and it is very late in the evening. From the Sunday meetings he returns past 1 sometimes before 2. We do not eat together as we cannot wait till he comes home. We do not talk about anything. We only talk when something needs to be done. Or about topics relating to the kids.

When he is home at a decent time on Fridays or Saturdays then he would pick a fight in order for him to walk out. He would then go out to his friends and come home in the early hours of the morning very drunk. He would than sleep the whole of the next day. I do fun things with the kids without him. I never plan my weekends with him in mind as I know that something will come up and he will not be able to accompany us. We take pictures and have wonderful time without him. When he looks at the pictures he ask why is he never in any of them. I tell him that it is because he never want to do anything with us.

On my birthday he came home past 6 even though he only works until 3. He was drunk and brought a friend with. I was not feeling too good but he insisted to have a potjie. I sat outside with them for a while. He then invited a friend of his who like to drink a lot and with whom I have very little in common. She usually do not want to leave. She came over with another woman. I left them and went to bed. He and his friend and her went to her place. Him and his friend returned at about 3 in the morning. (10.08.2012)

The next weekend he was home before me as I had to assist a friend of mine. He phone and said that he is going to visit a friend around the corner. I woke up at 5 in the morning and he was still not at home. I called him to find out where he was. I was really angry and screamed at him. He told me that he was at the service station and he can’ t understand why the hell I am so angry as he did nothing wrong. He was so drunk he could not speak properly. At 6 after many many smses I decided to go look for him. He refused to tell me where he was. I drove around to all his usual places but could not find him. At 7 he told me where he was. I went to this house and there he was very drunk with still a tall glass of booze in his hand. I just wanted to see if he was with another woman. He was not, he was with a bunch of ugly drunk men. I was so furious. I wanted to know what he thinks of me and why he is doing this to me for years now. He said that he did nothing wrong. He also said that I am the reason that he has no friends and that I drive all his friends away. (17.08.2012)

I left him there and just drove away. I parked in an open parking bay and sat in my car and cried for hours. I went to my office and cried for hours in my office behind a locked door. I left my office at 5 and went to park in a parking lot for a few more hours and cried. I was so exhausted but did not want to go home as I did not want to have to look at him. I have no friends to talk to about this. The only friend I had whom I could speak to lives in Scotland and is also his friend. He told me once that I should not discuss our problems with her. I have stopped talking to her about my problems altogether. I do not want to burden my other friends with this as they think that he is wonderful. He is wonderful…  if you need anything he would go out of his way to help you. He does not do these things for me though only for his friends and even for strangers.

I have stopped talking to his friends altogether as I do not want to be accused of driving them away. I am polite and greet them but that is it. I have deleted all their numbers from my phone.

The Friday of the next weekend he again came home late after having a drink with a friend. He came home just to leave within the next 15 minutes for a meeting. I can’ t recall when he came home. I am no longer waiting up for him. I do not sms or call him to find out where he is and why he is not coming home. I really cannot recall what he did this weekend but I am sure that anything he did had nothing to do with me or the kids. (24.08.2012)

The past Friday he called me at 16.30 when I am knocking off from work to tell me that he is attending a conference arranged by his friend. You must see that at this point in time I am just so gatvol of his never ending meetings and conferences that I tell him “ WHATEVER!”  “ I DON’ T CARE WHAT YOU DO. DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT I SIMPLY DON’ T CARE JUST PLEASE FOR -|- SAKE STOP CALLING ME AND TELLING ME THIS SHIT!”  “ JESUS DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THIS?”  He came home late and drunk as usual. I stopped talking to him. On Saturday morning he confronts me. Why am I being such a bitch towards him. He does not know and cannot understand my attitude. I tell him to stop making excuses and be a man. He uses these meetings as an excuse to leave and then he returns drunk and at all hours. I told him to stop lying to himself and to me. If he wants to go he must just say so. If he does not want to be in the same vicinity as me why does he not just say so. I am just so sick of him. He then told me that he is going because he is not in the mood for my shit. To which I said thank you for being honest for a change. (31.08.2012)

I told him that emotionally he is useless to me as I cannot speak to him about my feelings. He is never available for me.
He told me once that it is only weak people that cry so I never cry in front of him. I would take a bath or shower and cry silently.

I don’ t know what to do. I cannot afford to move out even though this is the only solution that I can see. I don’ t want to do this anymore it is too exhausting. I know that this is terrible for the baby and my boys can sense that something is not right with me as I am quite and get so sad sometimes even if I am very good at hiding my feelings and smiling. A friend of mine called me this morning asking if I am okay. The kids and I attended party on Saturday and on the video that was made I was in the background looking very sad and miserable. He told me that he is available to talk anytime. I pretended that everything is great and changed the subject.

Please help me. I don’ t know what to do. Any advice will do.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I don't think you're over-reacting ; maybe under-reacting is more possible. Is he really interested in having a child to whom he will try sincerely to be a good father - or in just producing another voter ?
And if he arrives home so drunk, they can't be taking their politics very seriously. Are you sure these nights out have ANYTHING genuinely to do with politics at all ? He's a DRUNK with a serious alcohol problem he probably won't admit to, even to himself, and may not at this stage be capable of being either a father or a husband.
Lets see what other readers have to say, but it sounds to me as though your prime concern needs to be about what is best for you and for the children.
He's not likely to change, and may have no motivation to do so. You know this situation is bad and needs to change, and apparently so do your friends. See a personal counsellor to help you decide what's best for you and the children, and maybe consult a lawyer to protect your interests and theirs.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Loli | 2012/09/04

Y should u move? With 2kids and 1 n the way, pack his bags and let him be the one t go look fr a plae to stay.

Hai bo its plane madness what his doing mxm.

Reply to Loli
Posted by: aliel | 2012/09/03

Today is really bad for me. I am unable to stop crying. Luckily the office is really quite. I have decided to take the rest of the afternoon off. I think the fact that I actually honestly told someone about this is the straw that broke the camel''s back. the dam wall has broken and the tears do not want to stop. I will go see a movie as I do not want my boys to see me like this. Hopefully something funny will make me feel better.
Thank you for listening / reading. being able to share this is making me feel that I am not completely alone.

Chris758 he usually takes a cab or get a ride from a friend. never drives drunk.

Reply to aliel
Posted by: Sandra | 2012/09/03

My advise. MOVE OUT

Reply to Sandra
Posted by: Chris758 | 2012/09/03

I will not trust him anymore!! political meetings? drunk driving regularly? He has no responsibillity whatsoever!! All this meetings is nonsense!! He has someone on the side!!

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: aliel | 2012/09/03

Sandra I am 33 and his 34. I have a very good job. I pay all my own bills. I do as much as I can with my own money. I do not ask him for money. I am too proud for that and I hate asking. I am not sure why I haven''t moved yet. Do I ask him to give me money in order for me to pay the deposit and first month''s rent? After that I will be able to manage without help. i know the meetings are real but i also know that they don''t last for 5 hours after the meeting he would go to a bar and drink in order not to have to come home. I do believe that he has never cheated on me. I also know that alcohol is the problem.

Reply to aliel
Posted by: Sandra | 2012/09/03

How old are you? Both you and your partner. He is not prepared to be a family man. And why do you say you cannot afford to move out? Are you working? If you are then you can afford to move out, rent a room closer to the children schooling because clearly this is not good for you and both children, they deserve better than this. You leave like a single parent so move out if he really needs to change he will come back to you and stay with you in your rented room until you are conviced that he is a grown man

Reply to Sandra
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/09/03

I don't think you're over-reacting ; maybe under-reacting is more possible. Is he really interested in having a child to whom he will try sincerely to be a good father - or in just producing another voter ?
And if he arrives home so drunk, they can't be taking their politics very seriously. Are you sure these nights out have ANYTHING genuinely to do with politics at all ? He's a DRUNK with a serious alcohol problem he probably won't admit to, even to himself, and may not at this stage be capable of being either a father or a husband.
Lets see what other readers have to say, but it sounds to me as though your prime concern needs to be about what is best for you and for the children.
He's not likely to change, and may have no motivation to do so. You know this situation is bad and needs to change, and apparently so do your friends. See a personal counsellor to help you decide what's best for you and the children, and maybe consult a lawyer to protect your interests and theirs.

Reply to cybershrink

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