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Question
Posted by: Nonnie | 2010/11/09

Am I making a mistake?

Left my husband of 20 years and got involved with a wonderful person almost immediately. Husband cheated on me during our years together. I left on condition that I leave everything else behind and so I did. It was difficult, but finally I managed to get my life back together and the kids are coping fine with it. I was so sure that I could leave the mistrust behind, but this person is involved with women on a daily basis in his work environment. Women are always calling and texting him. He told me that he only cares for me, but I find it hard to believe. He tends to be busy with work most of the time, even over weekends when I feel we should be spending time together. I don''t really mind that much about the work issue, but he would say that he just has to go and do some work and would be back, but it does not happen. He is not very active and feels at times that he is too old for me and that I could have any other man that I wanted. Problem is that I really do believe that I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else. He tries too hard to please everyone and ends up making false promises. I cannot stand it when someone does not honor his word, no matter how trivial the promise was. Am I being difficult? I just know that I don''t ever want to be cheated on again and that I want to trust a man to do what he says he would. I have told him that it was over, but I find it difficult to deal with. He came to see me last night, so like him, instead of making a call, rather facing me...and I told him that I need to sort out my issues. What if I am making the biggest mistake of my life?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Reminds me of the old English saying about someone jumping out of the frying pan, and into the fire. You have left behind a cheater who didn't respect you - and may have rushed into a relationship with another cheater who doesn't respect you. This is one of the reasons I always advise people NEVER to rush from one unhappily ended relartionship straight into another. Take time to digest and learn from the previous experience and to learn how to avoid making the same mistake again.
Of course he SEEMED 'wonderful" - that's a necessary skill for a serial cheater. If he seemed horible, he wouldn't manage any of those affairs or flirtations.
Other than monks, few men work without contact with women , strictly within the needs of the work - but there's little need for women to be contacting him by phone or text. If this was genuinely work-related, he should also be flooded by calls and texts from men, Is he ?
He apparently has many inexplicable absences, which he SAYS are work-related, but you really don't know, do you ?
I very much doubt that you're making any large or irrecoverable mistak. Take your time. If he's still available and friendly and seems like a good idea 6 months or a year from now, maybe it'd be worth reconsidering. But don't assume that this is your only, ever, chance for love.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Nonnie | 2010/11/09

CS, Maria and Ingrid, thank you very much for your insight and advise. Much appreciated!

Reply to Nonnie
Posted by: Ingrid | 2010/11/09

Youre in trouble.
You need time to heal, you have been through alot, and another man is not going to help... Espescially a man that clearly thinks very little of you.. its horrible to say, but if this is staring you in the face...you need to protect yourself.. follow your gut my girl.. ITS NEVER WRONG.

GOOD LUCK

Reply to Ingrid
Posted by: Maria | 2010/11/09

Rebound. You don''t need to be in a relationship right now, you''re too vulnerable. I suggest you go it alone for a while, rediscover who you are, get involved in some new activities and just have fun.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/09

Reminds me of the old English saying about someone jumping out of the frying pan, and into the fire. You have left behind a cheater who didn't respect you - and may have rushed into a relationship with another cheater who doesn't respect you. This is one of the reasons I always advise people NEVER to rush from one unhappily ended relartionship straight into another. Take time to digest and learn from the previous experience and to learn how to avoid making the same mistake again.
Of course he SEEMED 'wonderful" - that's a necessary skill for a serial cheater. If he seemed horible, he wouldn't manage any of those affairs or flirtations.
Other than monks, few men work without contact with women , strictly within the needs of the work - but there's little need for women to be contacting him by phone or text. If this was genuinely work-related, he should also be flooded by calls and texts from men, Is he ?
He apparently has many inexplicable absences, which he SAYS are work-related, but you really don't know, do you ?
I very much doubt that you're making any large or irrecoverable mistak. Take your time. If he's still available and friendly and seems like a good idea 6 months or a year from now, maybe it'd be worth reconsidering. But don't assume that this is your only, ever, chance for love.

Reply to cybershrink

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