advertisement
Question
Posted by: Desperate | 2009/01/20

AM I MAD?

Hi CS, please,please ,please help me. I feel like I' m going insane. Husband had an affair and a child was born. I' ve been going through hell for the past 4 years. I told him now that I want a divorce immediately, he agreed but wants us to wait a bit. I cannot stand it anymore. This girl ( she' s 20 yrs younger than him ) sends him pics of the boy who is 3 every 30 minutes and its driving me insane. He feels that I' m over-reacting. Like he says, its his child and he doesnt give a crap what I think, she' s not doing anything wrong. I feel that she' s disrespecting me ( still ) as she' s fully aware what effect it will have on me or any wife who' s been cheated on. Am I mad coz I dont think that its right or normal. I' m not kidding about the 30 minutes. She also constantly sends him sms that the child is asking for his dad. I want him gone, I cant do this anymore, I have two small children and they' re suffering too. It seems to me that he thinks he can do as he pleases now that I' ve asked for a divorce yet he doesnt want to leave. What can I do to get him out of our house?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Mere waiting rarely solves anything. If there is a delay, it should be for a good reason, such as earnest participation in marriage counselling,seeking to understand what went wrong and how. And while it's not the child's fault, the other woman is fully responsible for choosing to have an affair with a married man, and for failing to take adequate contraceptive precautions, just as he is fully responsible for the same bad choices.
As to whether you can get him out of the house, and how to do so, that's a question for a lawyer, who can also help you with advice about divorce. I like jdi's metaphor of the sour milk which stays sour --- he can't unsour it.
And btc's adice is thoughtful and deserves careful consideration --- sounds like she's had real experience in this area

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

12
Our users say:
Posted by: Desperate | 2009/01/21

Hehehe, had the nip and tuck taken care of the minute I found out about the affair and baby.He is now a sports model, the vintage kind. Dont worry, I can be a real bitch too sometimes. Dealing with that cow I' ve had to or else she would' ve made me insane. The more I think about it the more I feel released by the thought of being rid of him. Lots of hugs to you and prayers to you too!

Reply to Desperate
Posted by: Beat the cow | 2009/01/21

Thanks girl. We sometimes just need someone to talk to and help us with a reality check and some perspective. I know it feels as if you are losing your mind, but hang in there. Soon enough you will know what to do and how to handle the two of them. Keep your head high, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. If you need a chat, I will also be here. Hey somedays I can be a real bitch and if you feel like you need someone to be bitchy with, I will be here. We are allowed to trach them every now and then - at least we feel better agterwards. If things work out for you - best have him nipped and tucked. Can' t have a whole town full of babies. Hugs and prayers to you my friend!

Reply to Beat the cow
Posted by: Desperate | 2009/01/21

BTC, Im so happy for you! I think its wonderful that you are working through your problems. I will keep you in my prayers. Divorce is my last option. I have really tried everything else and I' m giving up. Its just not worth the fight anymore. My kids are 4 and 2 and it hurts that their family unit will be split but before I become ill I need to make a break. ((hugs)). Sometimes it feels like 13 years is a lot to throw away but he' s not willing to compromise. Good luck and if you ever need to talk to someone I' ll be here.

Reply to Desperate
Posted by: Beat the cow | 2009/01/21

I wouldn' t sue her. Won' t do enough damage to take her money and will just make him (asshole) fonder of his little tart. Let them be and wish them all the luck in the world. Don' t belittle yourself and don' t show her that you are hurt. Keep this private - don' t even show him. Sometimes it just takes some biting on the teeth, some " I don' t give a rat' s behind"  attitude to really get through to him. As soon as he see' s your really not interested in their affairs, he might just think twice. If he goes to her, well rejoice girl, they will both get more than they bargained for. I had a cheating husband and he walked out 8 months ago. Long, sad story (married for 20 years). At first I begged, cried, shouted, pleaded. Then 3 months ago I decided to just let it be. I did not cry and in November asked for a divorce. On X-mas day he asked me if I would give him another chance. He was the one crying and begging. Now seeing someone to help us cope and we are working through it. Not easy though and I still have some hurt I must deal with. Strange how soon they realise what they are about to lose when the boot is on the other foot!! Thinking of you. Hugs*

Reply to Beat the cow
Posted by: Desperate | 2009/01/21

Haha, they say be careful what you wish for. My mom is very upset by all this and wants me to sue this girl for alienation of affection. She doesnt have anything! Her punishment will be ending up with my sweet husband. She doesnt know anything about him, only the version he showed her. She' ll soon see the real him and boy, is she in for a big surprise and I' ll be free!

Reply to Desperate
Posted by: Beat the cow | 2009/01/21

Glad I could put a smile on your face! Someone ought to - hehe. I can' t even imagine your pain, but you know what? We are resiliant and we can get up and go on. Give him a kick in the b...s and then a kick to the curb. Take your kids and make a life for yourself. Let them sort out their little " family" . He stuffed up but instead of mending and doing the right thing, he does the opposite. The best thing is we women can make a statement without saying a word. Until he' s out, enjoy the family outings and keep us posted - lol.
Hugs*

Reply to Beat the cow
Posted by: Desperate | 2009/01/21

BTC, you have just brightened my day. I agree with you 100%. I even told him that why is he more scared of loosing that one child than our two? He couldnt answer me and just said I' m only thinking about myself. You' re right, he' s a selfish rubbish and I should kick him to the curb asap.
Thanks for the chat and have a lovely day!

Reply to Desperate
Posted by: Beat the cow | 2009/01/21

Sorry forgot to say that his pathetic excuse about him being scared she will keep the child from him is rubbish. He pays maintenance, so the law says he is entitled to see his child. WHAT about the 2 other kids or are they chopped liver? Should he not be scared that you will keep them away from him too? He is a lousy jerk who only thinks about himself and he does not even think of the pain you are going through. What a piece of selfish rubbish. Girl, say good riddance. The fact that she does not want the child to visit your house is to manipulate him to come to her house - obviously to have him all to her own. Why don' t you take the kids and make a real family outing the next time he goes to visit? Take some toys and sweets and the whole family can then visit. Surely the kids must get to know each other - don' t you think?

Reply to Beat the cow
Posted by: Beat the cow | 2009/01/21

Well doll, then there' s just one thing to do, and I know you know what it is. Send him packing to her - she will soon find out that he is not what she believes and fantasises about. The old saying if he can do it with you rings true. Pack his bags and ship him off. Don' t put yourself through this hell. He is immature and a real jerk and she is getting what she tendered for. Put them together and they will both see that it just won' t work. Pick up your chin, take your children and move on. We both know you can do it and remember your other two kiddies also suffer because he couldn' t keep it in his pants - give him a real hard kick up the ****!

Reply to Beat the cow
Posted by: Desperate | 2009/01/21

BTC, I' ve tried what you' ve suggested. Child came to my house twice and the mother had a fit. Told my husband that if he wanted to see the child, it had to be at her place. He' s not allowed at my house. My husband allows her to dictate the rules to him and he allows it coz he is scared that she' ll prevent him from seeing the child. I think thats bull. They are still involved and is using the child as an excuse. I dont think that there' s any hope here. I cannot have a little tramp tell my husband whst to do and he allows it. Sounds too fishy for me. He must get out.

Reply to Desperate
Posted by: Beat the cow | 2009/01/21

While I understand your gripes with the other woman, I must also tell you that I understand her to a certain extent. To have a child (this includes you) with someone creates that certain bond. This is her way to try to keep him and make him feel guilty. Don’ t you think you would react the same if you were in her shoes? I know this doesn’ t make you feel any better and I fully understand your position in this. The more you try to keep him from his child, the more you are playing in her hands. You wouldn’ t want your two kiddies to grow up without their dad, so you can’ t really expect their child to grow up without a dad. If you want to keep your husband (I really don’ t know why you should, seeing he betrayed you with this little tart) I would tell him that I want him to see his child on a regular, but structured basis. This means visits to your house, on your turf so to speak. If she sends pics, ask to see them and comment on how he looks just like your two kids. Don’ t scream and fight about the pics. Because the child is small, invite the cow with and be courteous and friendly towards her. Bite on your teeth girl. She won’ t know what hit her. Your husband won’ t believe the change and I am sure the more his child comes over to visit, the less time he would want to spend with her, UNLESS there are still some feelings between them. Tell your SOB that you want your kids to get to know their little brother. Your husband is a real SOB who couldn’ t keep his pants up. If he is so keen on his child then provide him with ample scope to see the child, but on your terms (without him even realizing it). When they come over introduce your kids to their sibling –  this child is not going to “ go away”  anytime soon. He will always be there. I know you are in a lot of pain and I will kill my husband, but girl, take a step back –  we are stronger (and more clever) than any little cow who upsets our lives. You can either stick it out or play into her hands and send your husband running back to her. It’ s your choice. Hugs*

Reply to Beat the cow
Posted by: Just do it | 2009/01/21

I can' t blame you for feeling like you do. Why on earth are you waiting ? Get rid of this jerk now. Go an see a lawyer, get the papers drawn up and get them served. Then ensure that you get enough finance from him to keep you and yours financially stable and get the house too if you can ,or force him to pay you out. He should leave, with a small suitcase and he can start again with his 20 year old. No I am not being mean nor vindictive, simply giving you some sound advice. Remember if you put sour milk in the fridge, it will still be sour tomorrow. " Giving it another go"  " Wait and see"  are just " Sour Milk"  events.

Reply to Just do it

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement