Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-07

Am I going crazy?

Dear CyberShrink

To make a really long story short:

1) I grew up in a household where my mother was an alcoholic and my father was addicted to mandrax and dagga. My mother was very abusive - physically, emotionally and verbally - towards me. My father acted in the same way towards my mother.

I always thought that it was because she was angry at me cos I was conceived out of wedlock, and they got married soon after my birth. I thought (still think) that if I wasn t born they wouldn' t have had to get married, and that their lives would' ve been happier. That I am the cause for their and my unhappiness. In 2002 my father had an affair, his addiction and the affair lost him his job, we lost our house. My mother moved in with another man, and we, the kids, had to go and live with our grandparents.

I have seen and heard so many things (such as my father raping my mother, and even worse), and now I can' t seem to get these images out of my head. I was so busy the last couple of years trying to get my life together after all that I' ve been through, that I haven' t had time to think about the things that I went through. Now it seems to be with me wherever I go. I feel that the only way to get rid of this pain is to take my own life, and I tried a couple of months ago. It failed, and it was not a very pleasant experience, so now I try to focus on not doing it. It' s hard, and I' m afraid that one day I will try again, and that I will make absolutely sure that it works.

2) I get these bouts of extreme anger, I think it borders on rage. The most recent incident was almost two weeks ago. I started drinking when I got home from work, cos I wasn' t feeling well. Then I went to my friend who stays in the same building. We had a bit of trouble these past few months, and I wanted to know what was going on. I was quite emotional, but not out of control.

Another friend of his arrived, and we had to cut the talk short. I started feeling (or so I thought) a bit better, and I went to fetch more wine.

After a while I got drunk, but I wasn' t out of control of anything, quite jovial actually. Then me and my friend started getting into a fight.

I just lost it. I started shouting and screaming. The security guards of the building came and took me away (not without a struggle), and the supervisor of the building actually gave the instruction that I should be put out of the building.

While sitting outside I begged the security guard to let me in, so that I can go home. He refused. I got really angry, I picked up a rock lying outside and wanted to smash the door of the building with it, shouting obscenities at him and the supervisor (watching from inside the building)

The police was called, I was taken to the police station for disturbing the peace. Also, not without a struggle, i screamed, bit them, kicked them, spit at them.....At the police station I was still struggling, and they told me to calm down, otherwise they would lock me up. Immediately I changed. I started chatting with them, smoking with them, and they said that they can' t believe that I' m the same person of earlier.

Even the building supervisor didn' t recognise me the next day (and she holds a grudge against anyone who even attempts to make a noise in the building). I greeted her (just to test) and she actually greeted me back.

This is not the first incident like this. I feel like I' m two different people. I went to see a councillor last year, and I was told that I have to walk away when I get angry, and that the anger is a sign of immaturity. She also acted as if the problem was solved, so I never went back.

I tried a few times before to walk away and I can. But it' s like something inside tells me to go back, and then I can' t stop it.

Am I going crazy??????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I understand your thinking about this, but no baby is as powerful as your thoughts imply --- they would have been abusing and troubled whether or not you had been born, and probably together miserably anyway. But abusers are highly skilled at convincing you that THEIR choices and actions are somehow YOUR fault.
Apart from the need to see a shrink for assessmenrt and advice in detail on managing your rages ( with someone far more skillful than the person you saw last time ) --- DON'T DRINK --- alcohol ALWAYS shortens your fuse and makes rage reactions far more likely. But you know how drink affects you, and will be held totally liable for anything youmay do while drink.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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