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Posted by: Halle | 2009/11/16

Am I fooling myself here?

About 4 months ago i met this wonderful guy until i found out two months later that he was involved in a long-distance relationship with the mother of his 4yr old son. he told me about his son after a couple of dates bt never mentioned the mother so i assumed they were no longer dating. I then asked him about it and he told me they are in a long distance relationship and he didn' t want to tell me in the beggining because he didn' t want to scare me off. i thought of ending the relationship then but i already liked him, and i felt like i was the only one since he spent a lot of his time with me. anyway, this weekend the mother and child came to visit him, i found out accidentally when i called him and heard a child' s voice, i asked who' s child it was, he said it was his and he didn' t know how to tell me they are here and they will be there for the whole week.

I know the only logical thing to do is break up with him, i feel i may be settling for less but the people in my life seem to think i' m being unreasonable, they say i won' t find a man who' s single and available so i have to put up with this one because i' m with him most of the time, they also say i give up too easily. at the moment i feel hurt, maybe i should have walked away the moment i found out about her, i know now that i come second. i would like indipendent opinions on this issue, what do i do?


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wrote such a nice answer here, but programming errors caused it to be lost in cyberspace, and its hard for me to recall what I said !
Its not clear to me what is going on here - does he actually have an ongoing physical . emotional relationship with his ex ( and then, lying about it, this would be a sinister sign with regard to your relationship with him ) - or does he have contacts with her as he would HAVE to have, to maintain his relationship with his child ( as a 4-year-old can't do this on its own ) - and could you perhaps be over-reacting, and he doesn't want to tell you about these much more reasonable contacts, for fear of this over-reaction ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Halle | 2009/11/17

I believe they do still have a physical and emotional relationship, he doesn' t like to talk about her bt amongst all he' s revealed is that the relationship btw them has always been long distance and even now they can' t be together because she' s bound by a work contract for the next 3yrs, he can' t join her because of work commitments also. he says he doesn' t want to hurt either of us but someone will get hurt eventually and i think it' s most likely to be me (she doesn' t know about me and i think he' s doing all he can to make sure it stays that way)

Reply to Halle
Posted by: Halle | 2009/11/17

Thank you for your responses, it' s hard but has to be done. i' ve asked not to contact me in the interim, i know i can' t handle knowing he' s playing happy family with another woman only to invite me back when she' s gone. i don' t think he' s a bad man and he adores his son but he can' t have it all. i wish women could wake up and realise the power we have over whether cheating happens or not, it happens because we are willing to play along. thanks a lot

Reply to Halle
Posted by: Samy | 2009/11/17

The longer you wait the longer its going to hurt. This that you are feeling now is nothing in comparison with what you are going to feel later. Once she leaves he is going to force his way back anyway until he himself is leading two lives!!! You can maybe fight this but its going to be tough, while you can rather swim hard and find another fish??? Good luck!

Reply to Samy
Posted by: bi | 2009/11/17

It won' t be easy but you probably have got to leave because it' s not going anywhere and think about... every time you do think about it you' ll hurt more.
And there ARE other fishies in the sea, the sea is a big big place and the only way to find what you' re looking for is to let go of the anchor that' s weighing you down.
I' m sure he doesn' t mean bad, but it' s hurting you. Let go of the hurt and go find happiness.

All thebest!

Reply to bi
Posted by: bi | 2009/11/17

It won' t be easy but you probably have got to leave because it' s not going anywhere and think about... every time you do think about it you' ll hurt more.
And there ARE other fishies in the sea, the sea is a big big place and the only way to find what you' re looking for is to let go of the anchor that' s weighing you down.
I' m sure he doesn' t mean bad, but it' s hurting you. Let go of the hurt and go find happiness.

All thebest!

Reply to bi
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/17

I wrote such a nice answer here, but programming errors caused it to be lost in cyberspace, and its hard for me to recall what I said !
Its not clear to me what is going on here - does he actually have an ongoing physical . emotional relationship with his ex ( and then, lying about it, this would be a sinister sign with regard to your relationship with him ) - or does he have contacts with her as he would HAVE to have, to maintain his relationship with his child ( as a 4-year-old can't do this on its own ) - and could you perhaps be over-reacting, and he doesn't want to tell you about these much more reasonable contacts, for fear of this over-reaction ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: LALALA | 2009/11/16

Are the people in your life even caring about you?? They sound really stupid to me! Leave the guy, why bother? Hurt now or hurt later?

Reply to LALALA

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