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Question
Posted by: Leen | 2011/03/25

Am I expecting too much???

Hi Doc

I am 6 months pregnant and I last saw my baby''s father in October when I conceived. We are in a long distance relationship. The plan was for him to come for a visit in December. We found out about the pregnancy at the end of October and he was very excited, started giving the baby names and would ask about the baby all the time, we never spoke about ourselves anymore, i was all about the baby. When December came he couldn''t come, said he was a bit low on cash, which I kind of understood. We made an arrangement for him to come in Jan for the baby''s scan, he still couldn''t make it, don''t remember the reason though.

I decided to stop asking him when he will come, and he hasn''t even volunteered to say anything. The was a time when we had a fight abut him not contributing financially to the doctor''s appointments. he deposited some money, but I still pay for all my gynae''s visits, I''m tired of having to ask for his contribution towards the baby. But he is still there ''emotionally'', sends SMSes all the time, but no more phone calls.

Sometimes I think the guy is just not into me, maybe into the baby, but not into me. and I think I should make arrangements to raise the baby without him, because I don''t want to end up struggling and ''believing'' he will contribute financially when he is simply not interested. Another thing is my friends who live around the same area as him told me that he is seeing someone and the girl has moved in with him. It might be true, but for some reason., I can get hold of him whenever I call, even in the middle of the night.

He promised to send me some money towards buying baby''s things beginning of April. wl see if he will.

Do you ladies think I am being too much? Am I expecting too much from him? I have never seen myself as being too clingy or dependent of men. But I just wonder if I am hanging onto something that is not worth it.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This sounds even less than the usual long-diatance relationship. Surely in the circumstances you describe, even if cash was tight, he could make a plan, to work extra etc, to raise enough to visit you about the baby ? And at the very least he owed you a proper explanation and good communications.
So long as he admits it is his child, or you go to Maintnance Court and they can arrange paternity tests to prove this, then he will HAVE to pay maintenance, as is proper, for the child, whether or not your relationship continues.
Men, or people who like to think of themselves as men, need to understand that they can't just wander about making women pregnant and avoiding the costs of their choices.
If indeed he is seeing someone else, then he is behaving badly and ignoring his obligations.
Plan to raise the baby on your own, but with his required maintenance - if he says he can't afford maintenance, then he certainly can't afford another woman. IF that's the case, then maybe it's the boyfriend who needs to be aborted ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Leen | 2011/03/28

Thank you doc. I know he is making money, so money cannot be an issue. But i have already aborted him. I just want him to be a father to his child, that is all

Reply to Leen
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/26

This sounds even less than the usual long-diatance relationship. Surely in the circumstances you describe, even if cash was tight, he could make a plan, to work extra etc, to raise enough to visit you about the baby ? And at the very least he owed you a proper explanation and good communications.
So long as he admits it is his child, or you go to Maintnance Court and they can arrange paternity tests to prove this, then he will HAVE to pay maintenance, as is proper, for the child, whether or not your relationship continues.
Men, or people who like to think of themselves as men, need to understand that they can't just wander about making women pregnant and avoiding the costs of their choices.
If indeed he is seeing someone else, then he is behaving badly and ignoring his obligations.
Plan to raise the baby on your own, but with his required maintenance - if he says he can't afford maintenance, then he certainly can't afford another woman. IF that's the case, then maybe it's the boyfriend who needs to be aborted ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Leen | 2011/03/25

Thank you ladies.. i feel so much better now. Just regret the scans that I have been sending him, thinking he really couldn''t make it

Reply to Leen
Posted by: Leen | 2011/03/25

Thank you ladies.. i feel so much better now

Reply to Leen
Posted by: Star | 2011/03/25

Leen you have your priorities in order from what I have read and you will make a fantastic mother. His loss my dear...

Reply to Star
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/25

Then that is what you have to tell him.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Leen | 2011/03/25

yeah, you are right. Bt for some reason I feel I''m not up to it, like I want to know the truth but I don''t really care. I think I''ve been thinking about this and been negative about the relationship for a while now. I mean what kind of a man does not make an effort to be even in one check up? I doubt I still have strong feelings for him, I think what I feel I only feel because he is the father of my baby, I''d like him to be in his child''s life, not necessarily mine.

Reply to Leen
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/25

No need to abort. Your baby will bring you only happiness.
What you need to now sort out is the boyfriend.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Leen | 2011/03/25

I know ladies I sound stupid or something, but the baby is a case of failed contraception. I couldn''t possibly abort the baby, it''s against my morals. Not that I judge people who do, it''s their business, but I wouldn''t want to have an abortion, a child is a gift from God, a blessing, no matter what.

Reply to Leen
Posted by: Woman | 2011/03/25

Okay, I''m not a prude, but I must say that I think the wedding should come before the babies. Unless you''re in a long-term committed relationship where you live together.

Children should have the stability of both parents wherever possible. When there is no stability, the child suffers the most. In your case, marriage was not mentioned once. If marriage is not on the cards, how committed is the relationship?

Believe that you can provide a stable and loving environment for your child on your own, and you will be fine. If you want him in his child''s life, you must tell him! he needs to know what kind of support you expect from him.

I think Romany''s idea is very good- surprise him with a visit, and then have a serious chat. You only have 3 months left to get clarity on this matter And it sounds like you''re waiting for him.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Leen | 2011/03/25

Thank you ladies. At the beginning of the pregnancy he spoke of me relocating and being near to him, or him relocating but it all ended with " we will see what God has in store for us." 
Basically that''s all he summarizes everything he says about the future with. I have been thinking about this and bit by bit realized that he is not interested else he could have made a move. What really opened my eyes was when we were discussing c-section and he said " it will limit your chanced of having more babies, not that I am saying you should have more.'' I think he has finally made up his mind not to be part of my future. At the beginning there was talk of two babies, but after the ''not that I am saying you should have more.'' I think that was a message.

Reply to Leen
Posted by: Woman | 2011/03/25

Leen, to me it doesn''t sound like this man is really interested or up to taking responsibility for you, your relationship or your child.

There is only one thing you can expect from him now and for the next 2 decades, and that is maintenance. Make sure he pays a fixed amount into your bank account for maintaining his child. Go to your local maintenance court and make sure it is done.

Has he made any effort to discuss the future of your relationship? Has he made any move to get you to him or him to you on a permanent basis? This should have been agreed on already - there will be a child soon!

As for support, get your support from the people who love you - your parents, siblings and friends. Stand on your own two feet emotionally and never depend on another person''s support.

maybe one day he will come around, maybe not, but I can promise you that one, if you''re patient and ready a man will come along who will make you feel like a princess every day. Someone who isn''t afraid of taking responsibility for your heart. That would be the man you can lean on. Someone you can trust.

For now, relish the new life, love your baby and live for your baby. That is the best thing you can concentrate on right now.
Good luck!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/25

I think you should pay him a surprise visit.
And yes, avoid disappointment, make plans to raise baby on your own.

Reply to Romany

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