Posted by: Crazy Wife | 2013-01-10

Am I Crazy?

Ok, so my husband will casually stroll into the house later than he said he would be home, smelling of brandy. When I ask him where his been, he will just wave his hand and say oh nowhere. Then after asking again he will admit that he''s been to a pub with friends. This happens every now and then. He once bought a boat without telling me. He often plays cricket and then afterwords dissapears for hours coming home drunk much later than he said he would. He sometimes goes out after work and don''t tell me. Sometimes I find out weeks later that he was at a pub that other night he came home late and I assumed he was working late. Or he will say he is " with a friend" , and later I find out he was actually at a pub.

My problem with this is that why can''t he just be honest with me? And is it to much to ask him to let me know if he''s coming home late. And I don''t like my husband staying out late getting drunk, while I''m home worrying about where he is. This usually makes me very angry , and we have horrible fights over this. Really nasty fights. He, however, believes that I am completely overreacting and I am just trying to be difficult.

I am a stay at home mom with two small children. It does frustrate me that he gets to go out and play golf, go fishing, or whatever he wants to do, and I am stuck at home. I go shopping alone maybe twice a year while he watches the kids. That''s all I do alone, ever. I would like to go to the gym, but I simply can''t, as I have no one to watch the kids, and my husband works very unregular hours, so I can''t count on him to be home at a certain time so I can go to the gym.

Therefore, it frustrates me even more that he gets to do things like going out and getting drunk and driving in a drunken state. Even if it''s only once or twice a month.

I believe that he should act more responsible now that he has a wife and kids, and not like a rebellious teenager. He thinks I am the craziest women he knows, and he thinks that I need serious help. I just wish he would pick up the phone and let me know he is not lying dead in a ditch somewhere. He believe he takes care of us financially, therefore he is allowed to behave like that every now and then.

PLEASE tell me who is right? Am I just a bitter selfish wife?

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Our expert says:
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I can't recall an actually crazy person who asked if they were crazy, just as its usually reasonable people who worry about whether they've been unreasonable.
What you seem to be describing would be an unreliable and essentially selfish guy, with a drinking problem. Why isn't he honest with you ? He's possibly not even being honest with himself, and (a) doesn't feel he needs to be honest with you, and (b) thinks he can avoid arguments or bad feelings by lying.
By getting drunk so often and so pointlessly, he also damages his own health, and by the inevitable accompanying drunk driving he risks other people's lives and health.
We don't know whether his job actually requires that he works unpredictable and irregular hours, or whether he adds that element himself, to suit his drinking habits.
You are neither bitter not selfish. Remember that.
Qwerty suggests a tactic I often recommend. As he wants to label YOU as the crazy one who needs fixing, see whether you can enlist him ( because you're unfixable if only you go to a therapist alone ) to join you in marriage counselling with a good therapist, with him agreeing to work hard with you and the counsellor, "to fix you".
Phil usually talks so much good sense here, but in this instance he's wrong. Men have no more right to "freedom", especially not freedom to be selfish boozers, than women.

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Our users say:
Posted by: CAT | 2013-01-13

This sounds like my life!!!! It all started like this 8 years ago with my he is a full on alcholic and i do not not know what to do any more!!! i have tried everything in the book to help my husband. Well...i''m also a stay at home mother,but now i will look for a job and leave this man!!! I had enough!He lied,drunk,working late????Please seek immediate help. PLease please. I do not know your age or personal circumstances,but i have no family and nobody that believed me. I''m trying eveything and anything to get out of my relationship. I HAD ENOUGH!
Good luck. you are in my prayers!

Reply to CAT
Posted by: DAN | 2013-01-11


Reply to DAN
Posted by: crazy wife | 2013-01-10

Thanks for the advice! Much appreciated!

Reply to crazy wife
Posted by: qwerty | 2013-01-10

Obviously you are right, and he is an irresponsible man-child.

Seeing as your husband is so convinced you need help, see if you can use this to enlist him in some couples counselling - but with the focus on " fixing"  you? Any skilled counsellor should be able to see what''s what pretty quickly, and should hopefully be able to talk some sense into his thick skull...

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: Phil | 2013-01-10

Why don''t you just get him a choke chain? Guys do what we do  and when we are being controlled or forced to change we become unhappy. Hence the saying. married men die before their wifes BECAUSE THEY WANT TO. Yes not all men are like this, but most are. and liek you said  he doesn''t do it everyday??? What''s the issue? If he get''s caught  he will have toface the let him be.

Now him. He needs to pull his weight some more  and also allow you to have some YOU time. So put your foot down  and let him knwo what''s good for the goose is good for teh gander! Good luck...

Reply to Phil

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