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Question
Posted by: Stella | 2011/05/11

Am i being unreasonable?

I think I resent my husband. We both studied at University and though he has a very good job in the small town we stay in I feel as though I always come second to his career. After our first child we moved away from Durban to a small town sothat he could be closer to his work. I have been unable to find work with an organisation and so started a consultancy. Its not what I want to do. I do it because I have no other means of making an income. I''d be happy working for a huge corporate but these are situated in the cities and we live at least 150km away. My husband says we can move once our youngest child is in university (18 years from now) and then I can work in the city and he can retire from his career. I''m starting to feel done in. The money I make goes to cars and houses he wants. I can''t afford to buy myself anything because I have to give him money every month to pay for the cars and houses. Every few months he is away overseas on business trips that we pay for from our own pocket and I have to come up with the money or he sulks because he can''t go. I don''t know what to do anymore. I''m left with the kids when he goes to watch rugby or play sport or feels he needs a time out. When is it my turn? I don''t know what to do. I don''t confront him about this anymore becuase I can''t handle his tantrums. Should I just leave it? I do love him

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Setting, unilaterally, am 18 year delay on your dreams and your career, hradly sounds fair at all. And what's the point of your working to pay for "houses and cars" HE wants ? And why do you both need more than one house, and maybe 2 cars at most ? If he has a job in the bundu that;'s so great, why does he ( and you ) have to pay for these grand overseas trips ? It just doesn't make sense except in an entirely selfish way. If he's traipsing round the world to watch or play sport, that's a HOBBY, which he should pay for himself, aftwer having paid for everything his home and family need. He can play sport here, with no need for grand travels.
Your question is very fair - why does he need "time out" at such huge expense, but not you ? If he throws tantrums when you ask about this, that's pathetically childish of him.
Stop earning extra money for his frivolous enjoyments ; or put it all into a separate account used TOTALLY for and by you. And get involved in the community, social and business, in which you live.
He is behaving like a spoiled child - handle him like one. A case for Supernanny !

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Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2011/05/12

Stella,
You are living in a small town as it is your husband''s choice.
You are doing something to earn money thatyou dislike but none of the money you are making goes to you.
He has an " outside"  and " social"  life and you do not.
You love him, have kids and obviously leaving him is not a priority.
There is obviously money as there is carS and houseS.
My suggestion is that you sell or close your little business as it is not making you happy or making YOU money.
He needs to give you a fixed allowance every month as he obviously can afford it
Then, get a life. Join clubs, do pottery, paint, mosaik.... whatever goes on in your litttle town. Maybe even study by correspondence? You need this and you deserve this.
His sulking... ignore.... men only sulk if they get their own way.
His tantrums... whatever.... get intothe car and have a glass of wine with a friend and go back home only once he " behaves"  again.
Sorry to say, but spoilt me are like children.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/12

Setting, unilaterally, am 18 year delay on your dreams and your career, hradly sounds fair at all. And what's the point of your working to pay for "houses and cars" HE wants ? And why do you both need more than one house, and maybe 2 cars at most ? If he has a job in the bundu that;'s so great, why does he ( and you ) have to pay for these grand overseas trips ? It just doesn't make sense except in an entirely selfish way. If he's traipsing round the world to watch or play sport, that's a HOBBY, which he should pay for himself, aftwer having paid for everything his home and family need. He can play sport here, with no need for grand travels.
Your question is very fair - why does he need "time out" at such huge expense, but not you ? If he throws tantrums when you ask about this, that's pathetically childish of him.
Stop earning extra money for his frivolous enjoyments ; or put it all into a separate account used TOTALLY for and by you. And get involved in the community, social and business, in which you live.
He is behaving like a spoiled child - handle him like one. A case for Supernanny !

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Mrs P | 2011/05/11

You will never change what you tolerate. You need to learn to say no.

Reply to Mrs P
Posted by: Truth | 2011/05/11

If he is employed by someone why r u paying for his business trips?

Reply to Truth

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