advertisement
Question
Posted by: Brione | 2012/06/19

Am I being selfish???

My husband has a friend at work who is experiencing problems with his wife. She spends all the money they earn, does not pay any bills, does not buy food or clothing for her children and cannot tell her husband what she has done with the money. Since December 2010 she has wasted in excess of R200000 (loans she took, pension monies she received from her previous employer etc.) and has nothing to show for it! Apparently she also sleeps a lot - over weekends etc. and at night goes to bed early and leaves her husband to attend to their daughters. I have told my husband to tell his friend to arrange for his wife to see a counsellor as there appears to be a problem. She is a very intelligent and well-educated woman and according to her husband, she has not behaved in this manner before. You may ask what this has to do with me? Nothing really, but my husband wants to dip into our budget to give his friend money for petrol. We live on a very tight budget, I make a lot of sacrifices (don''t buy new clothes, have my hair or nails done, don''t use expensive facial products or perfumes, don''t go out to dinner or movies) as I know our money must last until the next pay day! My husband is very annoyed with me as I don''t have money to give to his friend for petrol - we have had huge arguments about it! He says I am an " ugly person with a black heart"  as I don''t want to help his friend. Last night he tells me that his friend received a no-claim bonus from his insurance in the amount of R4000 and went out at lunchtime to buy gas bottles and a heater as well as Christian books! Like WHAT THE HELL is that .... my husband wants to take money from our budget to give to his friend, who in turn uses his insurance bonus to buy other things! I get so irritated with my husband as he says it is his christian duty to help others. I agree to a certain extent, if there is money to help others, by all means, but I don''t want to be short before payday because someone else cannot work with money! This has been going on for too long and I cannot take it anymore. My husband''s family have also caused a lot of financial problems (taking a loan in the form or a mortgage bond from a Bank for R475000, investing it with a company that went into liquidation) and now we are burdened with that debt too that must be repaid! Am I being selfish or are there others who agree with me that this is just too much? We cannot carry on this way! My hb often fights with me when he wants to go out and spend money on a Saturday morning and I tell him that there is no money to spend ... he does not seem to understand how expensive food is and how difficult it is for me to ensure that there is always money until the end of the month. I don''t waste money, I don''t spend money unless I really have to. If I have to live like this, why do I have to fork out money for someone who wastes theirs????

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Such wildly irresponsible behaviour on her side suggests either a sociopathic personality ( and then this would have been typical of her long-term behaviour ), or, if this is a recent change from previously responsible behaviour, it suggests a potential psych illness, such as the manic phase of Bipolar Disorder. She needs more than a counselor.
Can he not persuade her to see a psychiatrist for a proper assessment and advice based on what is found ? Does she recognize ANYTHING wrong in what she has been doing ?
And what has she been wasting the money on ? Usually it turns out to be drugs, alcohol, gambling, or some combination of these. If so, it is possible to have her banned from casinos, and to persuade bars and bottle stores to limit or stop sales to her.
And why has he allowed and enabled her to waste his money and what should be available for the children ? He should immediately cancel any legal access she has to his accounts, credit cards, etc., and if she has taken any bank or other loans with his consent, to withdraw that consent immedately, and make it clear that she alone must be responsible for every expense she has chosen to make.
Though it may seem charitable to help, giving money to the couple is most likely to simply extend the problem, rather than to really help to end it. If the friend is so idiotic when in such a massive financial mess, not only to have failed to get expert financial counselling, but to frankly waste scarce money on books of any kind, then he does not deserve anyone else's money. Those books cost could have provided him with petrol, and who knows what he may do with money given to him for petrol ?
It is NOT anyone's Christian duty to enable others to continue to neglect their children and waste other people's money.
And apparently you are also spending to help family members who made a very foolish investment. People often need to suffer through the predictable consequences of their lousy decisions in order to learn to change their risky behaviors. ASo long as others will naively cushin them from such impacts, they can continue to act foolishly.
If your husband is also a foolish spender, and doesn't appreciateb what food, eg, costs - have him sit with you and draw up a shopping list within your budget, and then to join you in shopping and see what such items actually cost.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

7
Our users say:
Posted by: Brione | 2012/06/19

My husband will never learn ...he is like a lapdog when it comes to other people and I have had enough. Just this weekend his brother phones him and asks him to draw money and go and make a deposit at Std Bank on his cellphone account. I had the mother of all hissy fits, told my husband that the banks were closed as it was a public holiday on Saturday.What does he do? Jumped into MY car, using MY petrol to rush off to the bank only to get there and discover that it was closed! When I asked him why his brother could not go and pay his own cellphone account, his reply was that his brother''s girlfriend is sick and that he does not want to leave her alone. I have had just about as much as I can take. People take advantage of my husband and he allows it - he is a real sucker and will never learn! Anyway people thanks for your input!

Reply to Brione
Posted by: Queen | 2012/06/19

Actually you need to be selfish to survive. We are not here to save the world! If someone fails to manage their finances in a constructive manner, it is not your duty &  responsibility to pay their bills. If you keep on rescuing them, they will keep on needing your help and they will never learn.

Reply to Queen
Posted by: Visitor | 2012/06/19

Why does your husband think you''s have extra money. Maybe he does not know the value of cost and how much spending on school fees etc. The fact that he wants to go spend money makes him think you are loaded with money, I think you should sit him down, and show him what you paying for. Maybe then he will see where you are coming from.
My hubby also loaned a friend money without me knowing,,,,,,,and his friend promised to give it back to him on the 16th. Now my hubby is short for the month and I WILL NOT help him out, he needs to see how he will make until pay day...

Reply to Visitor
Posted by: Romany | 2012/06/19

I do not think you are wromg in the way you are acting as per your post.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Brione | 2012/06/19

Yes, I work very hard for the money that I earn!!! We both contribute towards the housekeeping. My husband earns less than I do, but his debts are much more than what he brings in and I pay the medical aid, the domestic servant as well as my son''s school fees (private school). The way I see it, I don''t mind helping others as long as they are doing something about helping themselves too. This woman will never learn how to work with money and stop her compulsive spending whilst everyone else is always bailing them out of trouble!

Reply to Brione
Posted by: Romany | 2012/06/19

Are you working and earning your own money?

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/06/19

Such wildly irresponsible behaviour on her side suggests either a sociopathic personality ( and then this would have been typical of her long-term behaviour ), or, if this is a recent change from previously responsible behaviour, it suggests a potential psych illness, such as the manic phase of Bipolar Disorder. She needs more than a counselor.
Can he not persuade her to see a psychiatrist for a proper assessment and advice based on what is found ? Does she recognize ANYTHING wrong in what she has been doing ?
And what has she been wasting the money on ? Usually it turns out to be drugs, alcohol, gambling, or some combination of these. If so, it is possible to have her banned from casinos, and to persuade bars and bottle stores to limit or stop sales to her.
And why has he allowed and enabled her to waste his money and what should be available for the children ? He should immediately cancel any legal access she has to his accounts, credit cards, etc., and if she has taken any bank or other loans with his consent, to withdraw that consent immedately, and make it clear that she alone must be responsible for every expense she has chosen to make.
Though it may seem charitable to help, giving money to the couple is most likely to simply extend the problem, rather than to really help to end it. If the friend is so idiotic when in such a massive financial mess, not only to have failed to get expert financial counselling, but to frankly waste scarce money on books of any kind, then he does not deserve anyone else's money. Those books cost could have provided him with petrol, and who knows what he may do with money given to him for petrol ?
It is NOT anyone's Christian duty to enable others to continue to neglect their children and waste other people's money.
And apparently you are also spending to help family members who made a very foolish investment. People often need to suffer through the predictable consequences of their lousy decisions in order to learn to change their risky behaviors. ASo long as others will naively cushin them from such impacts, they can continue to act foolishly.
If your husband is also a foolish spender, and doesn't appreciateb what food, eg, costs - have him sit with you and draw up a shopping list within your budget, and then to join you in shopping and see what such items actually cost.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement