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Question
Posted by: sarah | 2012/02/25

am I asking for too much?

My bf of 5 years will not give me any further comittment than what we have now. I would like to move in and get married and he says he was married for twenty years and he just cannot do it yet. His compromise is I can move in slowly, come stay and night or two with my children so that he can get used to the idea. I said that wouldn''t be fair to my children as they would then be moved around so often. He told me I must enjoy what we have and believe me I wish I could but I feel its time to move up the levels of comittment...I would like a real partner not this what we have. After five years is it not normal to expect more and also if he doesn''t know now will he ever knw. This is causing so many agruments as I can''t seem to let it go. I feel like I am losing it totally! I know what I should do but I love him a lot but I know my needs are also important here!! I am not sleeping at night and I am crying all the time. Do I accept what he has to offer me and hope he comes around or do I leave?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm surprsed that more women don't recognize, ahead of time, this very common situation. If you get together and live with a guy, its so easy to set up a situation in which he is getting absolutely everything he might want in a relationship, without committment let alone marriage - and then ask him to provide committment. What earthly extra advantage would that be for him ?
Fro the sound of it, he was never likely to be the sort of new partner you were hoping for, and never wanted to provide what you were expecting. Maybe all these expectations were assumed or unexpressed, sdo you were able to misunderstand each other so much.
Depending o his previous bad experiences within marriage, his concerns may or may not be realistic or justified, but as you say after the years you have been together he presumabl knows you better than he did his wife when he married her, and he is unlikely to need to learn more before being able to make a wise decision here.
Have a serious calm discussion with him putting your very resonable qyestion to him, and making it clear you plan to leabe this relationship unless he can give you a reasonable and satisfactory response

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/02/25

He may marry u when your kids grow up but do not bank on it.

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Realist | 2012/02/25

Lets cut to the chase. Currently he is living like some sort of a Lord. You are there for his carnal needs and no doubt you do a whole lot more than that for him. As CS says, why should he want to change his lifestyle? Don''t demean yourself by trying to persuade him to marry you Who needs that ? Rather gather up your pride and just drop him like a hot brickl and when he comes crawling back, and he will, once he realises what he has lost, chase him away ! Be strong, be your own woman. He is not worth it.

Reply to Realist
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/02/25

I'm surprsed that more women don't recognize, ahead of time, this very common situation. If you get together and live with a guy, its so easy to set up a situation in which he is getting absolutely everything he might want in a relationship, without committment let alone marriage - and then ask him to provide committment. What earthly extra advantage would that be for him ?
Fro the sound of it, he was never likely to be the sort of new partner you were hoping for, and never wanted to provide what you were expecting. Maybe all these expectations were assumed or unexpressed, sdo you were able to misunderstand each other so much.
Depending o his previous bad experiences within marriage, his concerns may or may not be realistic or justified, but as you say after the years you have been together he presumabl knows you better than he did his wife when he married her, and he is unlikely to need to learn more before being able to make a wise decision here.
Have a serious calm discussion with him putting your very resonable qyestion to him, and making it clear you plan to leabe this relationship unless he can give you a reasonable and satisfactory response

Reply to cybershrink

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