Posted by: Anon | 2011-09-19

Am I an exception to the rule or addict in denial


I am a 24 year old caucasian female who came clean off injecting meth and heroin 101 days ago.
i didn''t experience any feelings from injecting. and any drugs i''ve used have not had the effect on me that others experience.

I used for 3.5 years constantly - started using as i wanted to experiment and observe how it affected people to be able to relate, and then walk away after 2 years [with chemicals which became 2.5 years], to be able to show that one can walk away.

I smoked weed for the year before that - only chronic. consistently.before work, in lunch then go back to work and talk to customers, after work every hour or so
then moved on to smoking meth, trying mdma [never got any feelings from it, except once i took e with it to try kick it up a level and got tingly legs and had a comedown], tried a lot of coke - what a waste of time, tried smoking crack which did absolutely nothing... i pushed using more than any of the people around me because i wasn''t getting the feeling. smoking a gram a day of meth even.

I moved on to smoking meth to stay awake instead of experimenting with everything [hated sleeping , didn''t want to miss a moment in life] and pushed working - worked 3 - 4 jobs. slept an hour and a half a day... for two years. took on a lot in life.

got my first boyfriend who was also an addict , had an opiod blocker at the time to keep him off heroin and so he''d been clean for 5-6months when i started hanging with him and pulled him in to a drughouse [our dealer even moved in with us living on our couch]

he introduced me to the needle - i love needles and so the fix was in the needle itself. and even our dealer tuned us for spiking.

a year before i had had a blackout from exhaustion , and then in november last year i started derailing - my system was so stressed I could not get in to any confrontation without crying. [i was watching my boyfriend kill himself for his job - not sleeping 80 hours in a row, having mini sleeps, talking crazy while sleeping with his eyes open etc. It was traumatic and I just wanted him to sleep] and he ended up fighting with me , I ended up paranoid, hit the wall a couple of times even, hating myself because my personality was falling apart - i ended up getting fired from work for standing up for the staff so they lied to have me dismissed and i was escorted out by security.
i went to a doctor who wrote me off as " incapacitated to work due to stress" 
i was too tired to fight, i could use meth and go to sleep straight after by that point, i felt like a zombie, and showering was even a mission. looking after my appearance was out the window, and i went from a nice person to a hollow stressball.
i gave up all my hopes and dreams and was willing to die with my boyfriend who didn''t see himself getting out of the drugs

everyone started rejecting me - and i ended up after losing my job, having my car broken , no phone, no internet  in my room alone for two months unable to function - i couldn''t put my sentences together, couldn''t do anything i used to love doing [pushing myself to extra spent me  productive went to counter productive],
i would sit and break my hair [pulling off split ends] the whole day unable to stop until by dec i even had a bald patch in my head. what was once my pride now displayed my shame.
i would move my jaw uncontrollably and my tongue, and was insanely fidgety .
i lost over 20kgs and got such bad dry mouth i couldn''t talk. i felt my kidneys thumping in my back once from dehydration...
my housemates thought i should''ve gone to valkenberg

i moved back to my mom to get clean and to give everyone space to stop hurting them
my boyfriend dumped me thinking i was broken and got another girlfriend the next day. he went to rehab as his work gave an ultimatum with his drugs and i moved back to the house and made friends with his new girlfriend and she became my roommate and then my ex booked himself out of harmony and i had to watch them together,

i found God again when our one housemate was in a car accident and went in to a coma.

i got back together with my boyfriend - i had moved out the house to my mom, and he got kicked out - he ended up living in a skwatta camp and he went back on to heroin,
i went and found him and ended up moving in to my car, walking around the skwatta camp in the day and sleeping in my car by the beach at night, and all we did was steal and score.
and injecting the heroin i felt nothing = it only made me nod off a bit.

lets skip to the end

when i stopped i had 2 days of withdrawals from the h, i didn''t finish my detox meds or the valium,
and i''ve been doing the clean thing on my own.

i had a job for 3 weeks and they let me take off 3 months to sort myself out. i went to a missionary safehouse for 3 months but ran away after 11 days - they put me down in front of everyone saying i was lost, a user, unteachable, that i didn''t know Gods word and didn''t apply his will for my life and that i had no place to speak because my life was in shambles. they got irritated even with my fidgeting and called me out twice for it in the space of 15 minutes. when i got out i decided to use for 2 more days then put down and havent looked back.

i attended na meetings. and i cut myself off from seeing my now -fiance - to look after myself - it was a codependant relationship and i was too tired to deal with his manipulation and handicapped thinking [hes been on h since he was 13 and hes now 20  hes been to 15 rehabs - including harmony twice, noupoort for 13 months etc, prostituted himself, has hepatitus C with cirrhosis [his liver count was over 2000 at one point - I had to go for a test because I was sharing needles with him...] and then he got arrested and is spending 1-2 years in pollsmoor now.
i will wait for him, i''m hoping he finds God again in there and am so grateful he is at least alive due to being in there, even though it is hell. I need this time also to focus on myself. and if when he gets out he just wants to go back to the drugs, then i will break up with him.

so yes, the drugs definitely broke me... or escalately me breaking myself [by not sleeping , eating etc]
but i did not get any of the good effects that people run away too.

i know everyone feels like they are different but i really do feel like i am differently wired.

i havent been able to figure myself out as i dont have money to do that - i am over 100k in debt, facing 8 court appearances [so may end up in prison myself] so its been a little frustrating walking in the dark trying to understand myself. esp when no one in narcotics anonymous relates [and i did 90 meetings in 90 days so i met a lot of people], my cars broken and i dont even have the petrol to get to my job after this week, so its really tight

i''m happy though and handling really well - my sister has hit a burnout of sorts, my mom hit premenopause now [and got her first boyfriend since my dad passed away in 2004 from alcoholism ] - he doesnt have a job and moved in with my mom after 3 dates [they met online]  so my sister is hating him, and taking it out on my mom and him [shes at least forgiven me - she laid a charge of theft against me for my fiance stealing her camera and i had to go to court for that which she later dropped. so she can be pretty hardcore.

I know I have codependency but not in that i would go back to drugs for this guy- ive gained too much getting out and i don''t struggle with cravings much at all  i don''t want to leave him unless he goes straight back to drugs. if he is clean 30 days at any point he gets his job back so he has a future ahead of him, and a grade 8 in music.

before all this i had served my whole life in the church, gave a year of my life as a volunteer to the church after high school, went to bible school for two years studying for a ba in theology and bible communication and was very involved in leadership etc.

Noone saw me going down this road, esp not myself.
i wouldn''t trade my path for anyones because of the experience i have gained, i have learned so much... really glad i''m out of that nightmare now though obviously,
but i just want to sort myself out as quick as possible be the best me so that i can help people someway. i can''t do anything for anyone if i am broken. and i don''t want to operate out of brokeness unaware until i hit a wall and fall on my face and have to pick myself up again. i really want wise counsel. i have so much to learn.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageAddictions expert

I take it you want to clean up so get into a program.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Charlotte | 2011-10-03

Dear Addict in denial, need I say more? No u are not an exception to the rule. You are an addict whether you feel the " good"  feelings or not. My son was addicted to heroin for ten years, been clean now for six, so yes you can also do it, no rehab or anyone else, but you! Good luck and be strong.

Reply to Charlotte
Posted by: Anon | 2011-09-20

[me again]
PS. I used after 99 days clean for two days .
my not mentioning it indicates the shame in it and lying is addictive behaviour. . .
i can control putting down and the thought to use wasnt overwhelming. and i don''t feel anything from using but can stay awake longer .... i''m just really confused haha, it is hard figuring it out alone and not having the funds to have someone figure me out. I always thought I had it all together, now I see how much I don''t , and how much I can obsess - over work, over figuring out emotions etc. so much in my head that i get stuck in it and don''t have fun. if im not learning or thinking deep i feel like i''m wasting time, i love my thoughts and hate my thoughts. i feel separated and too deep. i love being deep but there is also a darkness in the depth and it isolates me and in extremity is not good. i have lost my identity in it and can''t seem to get out.
at least i am aware which is the first step, but where do i go from there... [can you see i''ve gotten myself in to a spin haha]

Reply to Anon

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