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Question
Posted by: Cally | 2009-03-19

Am I a bad person?

Hi Doc,
I' m a bit concerned that I' m turning out to be a bad person. Let me try explain.
I have a job which is stressful (like everybody' s, I suppose), but I get death threats weekly (I am in HR, and dismiss people regularly, in the private security sector). I work really hard, but feel underappreciated as my salary is about half the going rate, and my workload is huge. I also have crohns disease, which is made worse by the stress, which flares up unexpectedly. My boyfriend was fired last year june because he was foolish and a little immature (but at the same time his company didn' t act fairly), and I' ve been supporting him since. He stays with his mom, I stay in a flat with my younger brother. My bf' s mom doesn' t buy food or groceries for their place, it' s up to me to make sure there is food in the fridge, so perhaps I' m a little resentful at times, especially when she gets into our special treats (like chocolate and marmalade, etc) which is probably wrong of me. My boyfriend has become very distanced from me physically, and I' m feeling a little sexually frustrated, but he tells me all the time how he loves me, etc, but we rarely make love. He stays at home all day, and I' ll go visit after work and there' ll be a pile of dirty dishes waiting in the sink (his and his mom' s dirty dishes) for me to do, and it just makes me want to sit and cry. He has turned down job after job because they are " beneath him" , and accepted a job the other day (supposed to start in april), but today tells me he' s having second thoughts.
I' m getting a nice raise now at work, but only because I' ve pushed and fought for it, which makes me feel a little awkward, as though I' m not worth it. The only things which make me happy these days are being held by my bf (despite all the crap), my dogs (who stay with my mom), and dancing (which is so expensive). Dancing causes problems of its own however.
I' m just worried that I' m being a bad person by feeling done in, when so many other people have worse problems. Am I bad? A person on another forum told me I have Cinderella complex. Is this possible? Do I really expect to be handed everything on a silver platter?

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Our expert says:
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In my years of experience, bad people never ask anyone if they're a bad person. Sounds like your company is badly organized --- if someone needs to be sacked, this should be done by their boss --- the HR person should be there to help advise the person about how best to cope with that situation, not to serve as the bad guy and to collect all the flak. And make it entirely clear to the angry people that you don't decide on firings, and merely convey the mesage because the person firing them doesn't have the guts to face them. If your salary is half the going rate presumably you're energetically looking for another and safer as well as better paying post. Meanwhile, acpt your raise as very well worth it. 'BF's mom should be grateful for the help you give her, and not fiddle with your things, indeed she shouldn't need to visit your home at all.
Dancing needn't be expensive if you dance in your own place and to your own music !
And whoever said you had a Cinderella COmplex was just showing off, and shouldn't receive any attention at all.
I agree enirely with Maria that you lack any genuine bf --- he is indeed a child with benefits, and probably exploiting you. Time for him to earn his own keep and look after his own mother. Leave him behind in the dust, you desrve so very much more

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Our users say:
Posted by: cally | 2009-03-20

I just love him so much. I' m not even sure why anymore. It' s just that life feels empty whenever I' m not with him.I' m just a sad, pathetic, weak-willed creature...
Thank you all. I' m sure it' ll all get better eventually. Have great weekends...

Reply to cally
Posted by: Zoz | 2009-03-20

Let him go, they are ungrateful the work situation don' t feel bad about it pray for God to intervene and also read motivational stuff especially about work related issues. I only started at a job and my boss treated me like a skivvy, confronted her and our relationship hit rock bottom. I prayed about it and guess what things are better and I am also more tolerable.

Take care of yourself and leave your good for nothing bf

Good luck

Reply to Zoz
Posted by: P | 2009-03-20

Why do you hang onto someone like this, can' t you believe that you are much better off without him and that you deserve someone much better?

Reply to P
Posted by: Me too | 2009-03-19

Good heavens,yes.Just kick them under their asses!You must be a sucker for punishment.They dont deserve you.He`s a lazy mommy`s boy.Theirs no way in the world i would have gone to my BF`s house which by the way is his mothers house,and wash their dishes,AND buy them food.I`m sure your not that desparate for a male friendship.Give him an altimatum,and tell him if he doessnt get a job and move out of his mothers house in6 mnths time,its over and you wont be coming there anymore.
Good riddens anyway!

Reply to Me too
Posted by: Female | 2009-03-19

What!? You' re kidding me...
I think the only reason why you should feel bad is that you are being done in by your boyfriend &  his mother &  yet feeling guilty for feeling resentful about it. It doesn' t make sense to me why you' d have to go &  do dishes in a house that you don' t live in, let alone buy groceries for such a household. Cut your losses, girlfriend, your boyfriend is refusing to do any growing up, just move on &  let him &  mommy be.

Reply to Female
Posted by: Maria | 2009-03-19

You are not bad. You also don' t have a boyfriend, you apparently have a " child with benefits" . Wake up and smell the roses girl. This guy and his mom are sponging off you and honestly you deserve better. Dump him, and enjoy your extra money!

Reply to Maria

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