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Question
Posted by: Sha | 2012/10/02

Always wrong

My boyfriend of 5 years recently came to live with me. We agreed on a monthly contribution that he would give me towards the rent etc. We have had a lot of problems in the relationship and the other week after a bad fight I felt guillty about the fight and told him if he is struggling financially then he doesnt need to give me any money until he gets a job or his finances get better. Then I said to him that although I had said he doesnt have to contribute, I would really appreciate any contribution he could afford to make (I don''t know his exact financial situation as he keeps that very secret). His response was that of course he will contribute and wouldnt think of taking advantage of me. He gets a uk pension and has some money saved. So to cut a long story short the end of the month is here and he didnt give me anything so I asked if he was able to so I know what im doing for the month. He said he would give me half of our original agreement and when I asked if he could afford the whole amount he exploded saying I was going back on my word and was untrustworthy. He then told me to f-off and now says he will find a place to move out to. He is now also giving me the silent treatment. I feel so guilty for asking him now. What kind of a girlfriend am i? But he just flatly refuses to discuss it with me now. What must I do? I am not perfect and often make mistakes and when I do he just refuses to discuss them with me and rather treats me like s@#$. If what I did was so so wrong to deserve this please can someone tell me. What do I do now? If he can afford to now go find somewhere else why couldnt he afford to help me out?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm puzzled. As the relationship was apparently already clearly troubled, why invite him to live with you ? And then you told him IF he had financial troubles, etc - didn't you know ? IF he was keping all financial and similarly personal issues so secret, that also bodes ill. And of course he could also have offered to contribute in chores and other household work.
His sulking now, and the preceding explosion, suggests there's more going on, even if its perhaps mainly that he feels bad about being short and sponging on you.
If he's really going to move out, and has found somewhere cheaper than half your agreement, or cheaper than nothing, that's quite a discovery.
Don't feel guilty. Don't accept his invitations to blame yourself and feel guilty.
He should have all along made his financial situation clear to you - by moving in with you he made it your business as well as his. Let him move out, and let him take responsibility for his own decisions and behaviours.

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Our users say:
Posted by: jaag hom | 2012/10/04

jaag hom om die blok baie baie ver weg. stuur hom met die eerste boot terug england toe.

Reply to jaag hom
Posted by: Romany | 2012/10/02

Well done Sha. You have answered your own question here.
let him move out and find yourself a person worthy of your love.
Good luck and do it quick.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Maria | 2012/10/02

No, you''re not always wrong. Maybe you''re not even wrong most of the time. Your boyfriend sounds really manipulative and you will be better off without him.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Sha | 2012/10/02

Thanks for the quick replies and advise. I really appreciate it. Thing is when I told him he doesnt have to pay I almost instantly regretted saying it. Then I suppose I tried to back track and then asked him if he could contribute if he could afford to. My mistake. I was feeling guilty after a particularly bad fight in which he again threatened to leave. I suppose my suggestion to not pay was an attempt to get him to stay. So yes I am wrong for firstly saying he doesnt have to pay and then for asking him to. But my point is that surely he should rather be discussing this with me instead of ''punishing'' me or do I deserve the treatment I am now getting? And yes he can obviously afford to pay somewhere else so perhaps I should just let him do just that? Maria and 2c worth - we previously saw a counsellor and her advise to us was to end the relationship because she couldnt see it working. Well here we are almost a year later - still at each others throats. I think I need to grow a pair of nuts and realise it just isnt working and let him walk away. Thing is I have a guilt complex and he plays on it and I always end up feeling guilty and to blame for everything that goes wrong. Am i?

Reply to Sha
Posted by: Maria | 2012/10/02

@2c worth, to be honest I think she Sha should dump the guy, but if they want to make a go of the relationship then they have to somehow break out of a habitual pattern of behaviour. Many, maybe most, people can''t do that without input from a third party or book etc. I actually agree with your opinion on self-help books but it''s better than nothing and there are really good ones. One must take from the books (and replies on the internet) what you think you can use and discard the rest.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Porsche | 2012/10/02

Sha - you are being taken for a ride. If he can afford to move to his own place, then he has the money, therefore he should contribute. Please don''t feel guilty for standing up for yourself, he will use that to manipulate the situation. The silent treatment, the sulking and all is so you can feel crappy as you do now and I bet he''s happy to see you like that. Next, you are going to apologise then he''s got you.

He doesn''t discuss his financial status with you, but you suggested that he is struggling, even though he is being secretive. I know this is not easy but if you can, let him move out and maybe your relationship will improve OR not. To him you are just a meal ticket.

Reply to Porsche
Posted by: My 2c Worth.. | 2012/10/02

If somebody is living in YOUR house with you there is no doubt that they should contribute to expenses, not only rent. This man is taking advantage of you big time, Sha.

A UK pension is nothing to sniff about, it is normally a very generous one especially with the exchange rate the way it is. You are not a bad girlfriend at all just sticking up for yourself. So the next time he wants a nice home cooked meal, say " Sorry, no money, no food tonight!"  The only problem is that you told him if he hasnt the money he doesnt have to pay. Maybe you should have thought about that before putting it into words. Hope you come right with your relationship.

Maria, I normally enjoy your replies but IMO you are too quick to recommend counselling for petty problems (not everybody can afford it) and also self-help books when a little bit of common sense can prevail. Even if self-help books are all about the same thing, the different opinions can confuse the cr@p out of people who are already confused about their way forward. Sorry, just my thoughts.

Reply to My 2c Worth..
Posted by: Maria | 2012/10/02

I wonder why you invited him to come and live with you if the relationship has so many problems? Are you really compatible?

It sounds as if you changed your mind several times about the issue of him paying rent. This must be frustrating for him, especially since he might already be feeling guilty about " sponging"  off you. It also sounds as if both you could work on your conflict handling skills. If you see a future for your relationship, maybe start there? If you can''t afford to see a counseller for a couple of sessions to help you then get a self-help book and work through it together. And if one or both of you refuse to do this then seriously consider where the relationship is heading.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/02

I'm puzzled. As the relationship was apparently already clearly troubled, why invite him to live with you ? And then you told him IF he had financial troubles, etc - didn't you know ? IF he was keping all financial and similarly personal issues so secret, that also bodes ill. And of course he could also have offered to contribute in chores and other household work.
His sulking now, and the preceding explosion, suggests there's more going on, even if its perhaps mainly that he feels bad about being short and sponging on you.
If he's really going to move out, and has found somewhere cheaper than half your agreement, or cheaper than nothing, that's quite a discovery.
Don't feel guilty. Don't accept his invitations to blame yourself and feel guilty.
He should have all along made his financial situation clear to you - by moving in with you he made it your business as well as his. Let him move out, and let him take responsibility for his own decisions and behaviours.

Reply to cybershrink

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